11 year old hates secondary school already

[Kelwar]

Hi, my son is 11 and has just started secondary school, after the initial excitement the reality has set in that he is going to be at this new school for years to come.
He’s made a couple of friends in his class but has been lunching alone and calling me saying he wants to come home. He seems too shy to take the new friendships out of the classroom and is therefor feeling lonely and not enjoying it. His other class mates from primary school were allocated other classes and all see each other and have made new friends to lunch with and haven’t really taken care of my son. One of his old friends just left him in the canteen alone today to join his other pals. I know it’s very early days but his upset is sending my anxiety through the roof!
I have chatted to him and written to his teacher so trying to cover all bases. I’ve given advice on conversational skills but he doesn’t seem to be taking it on board.. any advise to help him settle would be gratefully received.. similar experiences that worked out in the end??

[iggleypiggly]

Encourage him to join some lunchtime and after school clubs. I would think that his teacher could buddy him up with someone. It will get better I promise, it’s often harder for us than it is for them. They are all finding their feet, it just takes time

[Fanjango]

Yes. Encourage joining clubs as meeting people with similar likes really does help. Seniors is very different from primary and can cause a whole host of issues. See if the teachers can point him in the direction of clubs or if there's a buddy system they can use temporarily while he settles. Don't just hope this will get better on its own, it might and likely will..but it doesn't for everyone. Make sure the school are aware. Ask for a meeting with head of year/house if it continues as it will impact learning if he's not happy.

[Cantthinkofabloodyname]

My DS2 struggled with this in year 7. His school have really good pastoral care and they spoke with him arrange some mentoring from older pupils. It is very common for this to happen in secondary school. See if you can possibly email your DC's form tutor or head of year, as they are really used to this and want to help the kids settle in.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Do they have any kind of Pastoral Care? It’s called student services at our high school and the children are encouraged to pop in and talk to them if there’s a problem. He could also talk to him Form tutor or head of college.

I’d try to gently try to steer him away from phoning you and instead encourage him to talk to someone at school who can help him.

As the other posters have said, joining lunchtime and after school clubs will help too

[Scoobydoobydoo]

We are in a similar position.
After the initial excitement comes the reality hit
My dd calls me at lunch time and heart breaks when she says she is having lunch alone.
Hoping this is a phase that will soon pass.
As much as common sense says it will, it feels awful when we are helpless

[Kelwar]

Oh scoobydoo, it’s the worst isn’t it!? I’m sure it will get better and maybe when they are year 8 this will all be a distant memory, for now though it hurts a lot!! I must be strong though.. we must be..
I will try and discourage him from calling me but It gives him comfort to know I’m there if he is sitting alone.. I’ve written to his teacher and some other leaders to see if they can buddy a few of them up for lunch at least.. that’s the worst time of the day.. lessons are alright he said.. once he’d figured out where he was supposed to go!! Good luck to all of your children too.. and thanks for the advice, I do appreciate it X

[Scoobydoobydoo]

Had the usual.lunch time call :-)
Looks like there are 2 others with her today.
Think we need to take it one day at a time and as you rightly say be brave and strong for them.
I totally second the lunch time and after school clubs.

[Kelwar]

Bit of an update, I’ve had a response from a member of staff who runs a club every single break and lunchtime for children who are a bit lost or lonely, she’s invited my son to join them tomorrow, this hopefully will be where he makes some lovely friends that have lunch with and feel a part of the system. Thanks all X

[Scoobydoobydoo]

That's so great to hear op!
Fingers crossed :-)