How do I tell DD 10 off without it escalating?

(62 Posts)
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks Mon 18-Jun-18 14:51:01

She gets anxious about DO 6 using her stuff, he's not going to break it, but I think she thinks he will, I tell her to talk kindly to him and share, she ends up shouting at him and me, and crying her eyes out.

I just want her to do as she's told. She causes scenes in cafés, which means that DS has to give up something he looks forward to.

Does anyone have any solutions please? 😀

OP’s posts: |
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks Mon 18-Jun-18 14:51:30

*DS 6

OP’s posts: |
Octopeppa Mon 18-Jun-18 14:54:00

Can you say to her that if he does break it, you will replace it? Or if it's something special to her or too pricey, she doesn't have to share it.

FatCow2018 Mon 18-Jun-18 14:56:00

I have a DD a similar age. If she was creating scenes in cafes I simply wouldn't take her until she learnt to behave.

Has she always been this way or is it a recent development?

dementedpixie Mon 18-Jun-18 14:56:24

What sort of stuff is it? If it is precious to your dd then why does he get to touch it? Not everything needs to be shared

TeenTimesTwo Mon 18-Jun-18 14:57:09

DS using her stuff.
Could you draw up some general rules: DS can use this kind of stuff because it isn't fragile, but can't use that kind of stuff because it is.
Mainly without much info I am with your DD on this. She shouldn't have to share her stuff, though she should realise then that DS doesn't have to share his either. If there is stuff of hers that DS wants to use, can you get DS his own?

What sort of 'scenes in cafes'? Can you take DS whilst your DH/DP/family have your DD so he doesn't have to miss out? Or talk explicitly about expected behaviour beforehand? Or choose before you walk in so no arguments inside? Or sit them apart, either side of you? Or take colouring?

upsideup Mon 18-Jun-18 14:57:11

Why does she have to share her stuff with him?
11 year old dd has 3 younger siblings, her room and belongings are out of bounds unless she invites them in or offers them something.

Bringmewineandcake Mon 18-Jun-18 14:57:21

Try not to make her share too often. If you go to a cafe then they each take something, and it can’t be anything too precious. Ask DS to give it back if DD is starting to get stressed. Give DS praise for giving things back to his sister, rather than being cross at DD.

m0therofdragons Mon 18-Jun-18 14:57:45

Does she have items ds6 isn't allowed to touch?

I have dd1 who is 10 and 6yo dtds. Dtds are not to take anything from dd1's room but toys to share are in the toy room. I don encourage them to share everything because I'm not prepared to share all my stuff- my perfume is mine, my jewellery is mine my makeup is mine but if they ask nicely I let them use some but not all.

Fattymcfaterson Mon 18-Jun-18 15:00:46

Well why is your DS always using her stuff. Has he not got his own?

steppemum Mon 18-Jun-18 15:02:53

I think it is quite reasonable to say that she doesn't have to share HER stuff.
But that also means some stuff belongs to both.

If she is getting very distressed, once she is upset, then her ogic brai is not able to override, hence the escalation. You need to catch it before she gets too distressed 9easier said than done I know)

How about getting her to make a plan/ think through scenarios.
We're going to a cafe. Last time you got upset because.... How could you deal with that this time? What other options are there? What could you do? and so on. Give her the tools to work out how to get around the issue. eg set a timer for 10 minutes each. I take my pencils, he takes his, I sit on the opposite side o f the table so he can't snatch my stuff and so on.

steppemum Mon 18-Jun-18 15:05:10

when you are 10. If it is precious, it is precious, even if it looks like cheap tat, or if it is easily replaced. that isn't the point.
It is precious to HER and she should be allowed to put it away.

But she also needs to learn that she may need to make wise choices. Don't take precious stuff out when ds will want to play with it. Take something less precious.

CherieBabySpliffUp Mon 18-Jun-18 15:07:09

Why is he using her stuff?
What exactly is he using?

FinallyHere Mon 18-Jun-18 15:30:10

What is the connection between younger sibling wanting to touch her stuff (and presumably being stopped from doing so) and DD making a scene in a cafe? Why is she making the scene.

Impossible to provide an6 sensible response without knowing this.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks Mon 18-Jun-18 18:19:26

It's more like she doesn't want to share anything. Or if she does there are 20 rules attached.

They share a room. They have a communal bucket of pens, DD has decided that a particular red pen is hers, and she gets hysterical if he uses it. I've told her to keep it somewhere else then.

Every new toy she has is special, even if they're not fragile. He shares everything except his Bear with her.

She's just nasty and spiteful in the café, I've said I can't take her, but then I can't take him either. Last week she blamed her introversion in the café, but that doesn't explain the same behaviour at home last night and this morning.

Thanks, there's been some very helpful advice on here. 😀

OP’s posts: |
ems137 Mon 18-Jun-18 18:24:13

My children (DS11 & DD10) get very possessive about "stuff". I treat them similar to how I treat my 2 smallest, they either share nicely or I take it away.

If either of them made a scene in a cafe they would be warned and then grounded in some way if it carried on.

FinallyHere Mon 18-Jun-18 18:30:52

As a six years younger sibling , it's only as I look back that I see how tedious it must have been for my sister. It's really not fair to compare their propensity to share. The younger doesn't have anything worth sharing, everything the older has is attractive to the younger.

I'm not usually keen on love bombing but this might be the time to try it.

AnnieAnoniMouser Mon 18-Jun-18 18:40:13

I feel sorry for her.

It sounds like she’s being made to share way too much.

She’s 10, he’s 6. She should be able to have her own stuff that she’s not made to share.

Any chance of her getting her own room anytime soon?

llangennith Mon 18-Jun-18 18:43:09

I think you need to stop favouring your DS and tell him firmly to leave his sister’s belongings alone. Of course he’s happy to share his stuff with her, it’s not nearly so interesting as hers.
I’m an older sister and I’d have hated being made to share everything with my younger sister. Luckily our DM taught us to respect each other’s things.

Davespecifico Mon 18-Jun-18 18:49:11

My daughter would have been like this if she’d had a sibling.
She is introverted and compliant at school but can be rigid and difficult at home. I would say she has traits of selective mutism.
She gets upset and angry about being told off so I’m a bit more relaxed than I might be with another type of child, just to keep her anxiety down.
Does your daughter have any issues like ASD? If so, it would’ve helpful to get parenting advice from groups for parents of similar children.

Cauliflowershower Mon 18-Jun-18 18:53:54

Mine aren’t allowed to touch each other’s stuff.
Split the pens into 2 pencil cases.

KnockMeDown Mon 18-Jun-18 18:54:12

I think this is her way of saying she needs her own space. In terms of development they are very far apart, is there any chance you could give her her own room?

upsideup Mon 18-Jun-18 18:56:03

Do you have plans for her to have her own room any time soon?
Shes 10 if she isnt allowed her own space that she doesnt have to share then she needs her own stuff that she doesnt have to.
Your son probably doesnt care because hes 6, when hes 10 I doubt he will be so happy to share.

NapQueen Mon 18-Jun-18 18:59:01

If she is using something communal then he has to wait til she is done. However I think she needs space and stuff that is "hers" that she doesnt have to share.

BertrandRussell Mon 18-Jun-18 19:04:20

Don't have communal stuff. And don't let him touch hers ever.

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