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Preteens

How mature/immature is your 12 year old DD?

29 replies

thalia2018 · 19/03/2018 15:17

I have a lovely 12 year old DD. She is kind and fun, she is doing really well at school, gets on with her siblings (apart from the usual small squabbles). She's quite a homebody, very happy to hang around with the family. My worry is that all her school friends seem more 'mature' and independent and that maybe I mollycoddle her. Now she's at secondary school she has stopped hanging around with a lot of old friends - she says that all they talk about is make-up and boyfriends, and she isn't interested in that. She used to meet up with friends to travel to school together but they stopped including her so she goes on her own now. She says she has new friends, but she never sees them outside of school. I worry other girls might see her as immature or a bit weird.

I'm aware I probably do too much for her so have been trying to encourage her to be more independent - doing chores around the house, tidying her room. She has her own doorkey and happy to be at home by herself sometimes. I've tried to teach her to cook and bake and she likes doing it occasionally, but then just forgets how to do it and I have to teach her all over again! I still find myself nagging her to do her homework, and brush her teeth, wash her hair etc, and it drives me mad!

In the school holidays I've suggested she messages friends and arrange to meet up at the pools or shops but she never does, and she's too old now for me to organise that kind of thing for her.

She has some hobbies - plays in a few music groups, loves reading, playing computer games. She's a bit of a daydreamer, and at the weekend she'd be very happy to sit in her room all day reading books! But then when I talk to other mums their daughters the same age seem to be off at shopping centres, or meeting in cafes, or hanging around at each other's houses.

When I talk to her she seems happy, she says everything is fine. I just don't know what is normal this age, and if I am doing the right things!

OP posts:
AnneOfCleavage · 19/03/2018 15:23

Sounds like my DD who is 13. Rather hang out at home than make a phone call to hang out with new secondary friends. She waits for them to contact her to suggest meeting up and so it doesn't happen that often. Whenever I ask if she wants to see a friend it's her primary school friends who are at other schools that she wants to see but again won't make the initial contact only if I suggest it.

Think she's a little socially immature but I was too and am so sociable now and was from about 17 when I left school. Just needed to discover myself in my own time and I think DD is the same.

Let's see what a couple of years on does and I bet we are moaning they are never at home Grin

HeedMove · 19/03/2018 15:23

I don't think she sounds immature but maybe she is an introvert and happy with her own company? I'm like that.

My dd turned 13 a couple of months ago and she is really sociable shes got alot of friends and is out all the time. I don't need to encourage showers, hair etc and shes into make up. She has no interest in boys yet.

I think your dd sounds fine and as long as she genuinely is happy and does have friends but would rather just stay in..I wouldnt worry at all. At least you know where she is and what she's up to. She has interests and that is great.

In a few years she might be a social butterfly or she might just be someone who always prefers to be a home body and thats okay.

PercyPigAddict · 19/03/2018 15:27

She sounds like me at the same age! I loved just ebing by myself with a pile of books. Not everyone's cut out to be super-sociable. I remember in half term once being really annoyed that i hadn't had one day "to myself" eg with nobody phoning me!

Does she have friends she hangs out with at schol or is she a bit of a loner there too? Oh sorry I've just seen that she said she does. I wouldn't worry too much about it if she seems happy. She might get interested in makeup and gossiping about boys in the next year or so.. or she might not. Everyone's different.

I would encourage her to do more stuff herself though! If you don't nag her to do homework, it will be her who gets into trouble and hopefully that will motivate her to do it herself, If she gets used to you keeping tabs on her school work now you'll have made a rod for your own back when it comes to GCSEs!

ParadiseCity · 19/03/2018 15:32

I think now that there is social media there is more pressure to act a certain way. My DD is a lot like yours and is HAPPY not to be into appearances or Snapchat or musically. I would encourage some kind of sport/exercise as it's so good for mental health but other than that try not to worry.... helpful I know, we all worry. Also remember it's cold and wintery and very normal to want to hibernate right Now!

LinoleumBlownapart · 19/03/2018 15:37

She sounds like my DD. She's at a small school with only 16 in her class, she has only one good female friend because she finds the other girls too grown up already. They like girly stuff, music etc she likes cartoons although she likes music she's not interested in talking about it or doesn't fancy any celebs. I was the same at her age.
My dd wouldn't wash if I didn't pester. She's started to sweat as well and it's difficult. She's still a child in most ways, a bit awkward in herself because she's started to develop. I think she's happy at home, playing with her brother's, reading, watching TV etc. She does go to her friend's house but her friend is like her. The other girls say they are boring. But they seem happy with that.

BambooBra · 19/03/2018 15:46

Watching with interest, dd is 10 and quite introvert, happy with her books and toys including lego and Sylvanians. She plays two instruments and plays a sport to a highish level though and socialises in this way.

Your dd sounds lovely op but I have no experience with this age group yet.

BambooBra · 19/03/2018 15:47

on this note but not to threadjack, do any other 10 year old girls still play with lego and Sylvanians? Out of interest.

Tralalee · 19/03/2018 15:52

Mine is almost 12 and very into friends, snapchat, YouTube and is obsessed with pop music. She also has a 'boyfriend' apparently! She's not into her appearance particularly (never wears make up) and plays a lot of sport. She the youngest of four though. Not sure whether that makes her mature or not! She's very level headed.

Tralalee · 19/03/2018 15:54

bamboobra dd2 is now almost 16 and still won't let me pack away her playmobil Hmm

She was definitely still playing with it at 10

BambooBra · 19/03/2018 15:59

Tralalee Smile Good to know that we may have a few more years ahead! Saying that I had an amazing playmobil train set when I was a child, which I sold as a teenager and so which i still had it now . I loved playing with my PM train Grin.

rocketgirl22 · 19/03/2018 16:00

My dd is like this (same age) she is funny, witty and very happy but does not want to see many friends out of school, she says she is sick of the sight of them! I can relate to that as I am not sure I would want to either if I had spent day in and day out with them (and their ongoing dramas every single day)

She is on SM and chats to friends on line, listens to music, into animal s and nature, practices yoga and plays tennis and hockey. She doesn't like make up and couldn't care less about boys or shopping etc, but she is very careful to ensure her long hair is brushed, tied back and pristine and looks after her skin.

I don't think her friends are doing things very differently, but she is definitely less sociable than others I feel. Her friends do more sleepovers and shopping days. I wouldn't change one thing about her.

I am happy for her to choose what she wants to do in her free time, and I am glad she is not following others around like a sheep and is happy to make her own choices in her own time. I like her independence.

Tralalee · 19/03/2018 16:01

She has loads but still has the victorian house up.in her room. I always buy her a lego kit at Christmas she still loves it!

rocketgirl22 · 19/03/2018 16:03

Not to say sociable children are sheep of course, my youngest is always wanting to see her friends. Just that my eldest dd clearly doesn't want to, and doesn't force herself into things under the influence of others.

Rainboho · 19/03/2018 16:03

My 12yo DD is into make up, clothes, social media and music but she is introverted. So she will go out with friends or have them round, but she prefers being at home kicking about. She doesn’t mind going for a ‘coffee’ (loves Starbucks) with one of her friends, but shies away from groups as she finds them too full on shopping into town etc.

She is independent though, loves the house to herself and happy to get on with her homework or cook tea (she loves cooking, and who am I to complain?).

I would think there are just a few variations to 12 year olds!

RazzleDazzle3 · 19/03/2018 16:05

My almost 14 year old is the same. Madly into sport which usually takes up most of the weekend, but we get to the school holidays and she doesn’t see school friends at all. She doesn’t seem to have the maturity/confidence to arrange meet ups. She is otherwise quite outgoing.

Not particularly into her phone and social media. I’ve stopped sorting her bedroom/hygiene/homework and she’s fine - maybe homework not done in the most timely fashion, but it’s done (last minute).

I’ve stopped suggesting things as I think she needs to make the effort....

Hellsbellscockleshells · 19/03/2018 16:06

My DD is quite immature also. She is year 8 and she has just turned 13 and like yours she has been dropped by friends and walks to and from school on her own mostly unless I give her a lift. She goes to guides and plays a sport but very rarely meets anyone outside of school and we have tried to also encourage going uptown, going swimming, bowling or trampoline etc.
She says most of the other girls at her school are slutty and are only interested in make up, boys, dressing slutty, being nasty, unkind and trying to be popular.
My DD likes animals especially dogs, having fun and comfortable clothing. Also have to still remind her to shower, clean her teeth. She has started brushing her hair without being told most of the time.
If your DD is happy I would try not to worry. I know it’s easier said than done but I am hoping mine will find her ‘tribe’ soon and I am sure yours will too. 💐

Tralalee · 19/03/2018 16:07

Meant to add mine is obsessed with hanging out with her mates.

She's the only.one who is though, my other dcs weren't bothered

Tralalee · 19/03/2018 16:07

She says most of the other girls at her school are slutty and are only interested in make up, boys, dressing slutty, being nasty, unkind and trying to be popular

Hmm

Karid1496 · 19/03/2018 16:10

I don't think that it's because they are less mature than their friends I think it's more about having different interests and things that make them content. My dd11 sounds alot like your daughter and I constantly worry about her socially and emotionally. It's the start of a long path where they will find themselves and their tribe. They will change and so will friends and interests, as long as they happy we need to let them be. A little healthy encouragement is good but we shouldn't push too much.

Its a hard age for parents, sometimes it good to know that other kids are in the same boat and they doing just fine. Helps ease the worry a bit. Hugs to you xxx

thalia2018 · 19/03/2018 16:55

Thank you so much for all the messages! It’s reassuring to hear other girls her age are similar. I love her just how she is, I don’t want her to be into make-up/boys/musicly /selfies yet anyway, but I don’t want her to be socially isolated either. I hope she will find her tribe soon! But some of the other girls seem 12 going on 16 and I guess they see her as immature.

I was quite shy as a teenager and wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but I put that down to my parents who are quite introverted and never had many friends. So I have always made an effort to be sociable with my children, meeting other families regularly etc, plus my DH is quite outgoing. So she’s had lots of opportunities to make friends. But now tg

She was at Guides but the unit closed and she didn’t want to join another. I find in the holidays a lot of organised activities seem geared towards younger children, there doesn’t seem to be as much aimed at the 11+ age group.

I guess I just have to be patient and not worry - the world is full of all types of people 😄

OP posts:
thalia2018 · 19/03/2018 17:02

And I am trying to hold back on the homework nagging - consequently she went to school this morning having forgotten to do a piece of homework and will have to spend her lunch break doing it or get a detention. So maybe it will be a good lesson for her, who knows....

OP posts:
Karid1496 · 19/03/2018 17:36

I find that there's loads of advice on how to parent a baby and toddler but not on how to parent through the teenage years. Sometimes you want that reassurance that everything is normal and they will grow up just fine. It's good to hear from folk that have been there or are feeling like your feeling. Xx

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FleurDelacoeur · 19/03/2018 17:42

I have a 12 year old DD. She is grown up in some ways, and not so much in others.

She has no interest in boys. She is still at the "having a shower is a chore" stage rather than hogging the bathroom for hours a day. She wears eyeshadow when she's out with friends but no other make-up and definitely not to school. Cleaning her room is a constant battle. As is putting clothes in the laundry basket.

She does meet up with her friends probably once a week but again it's very low key - in the local shopping area rather than into the middle of town. Height of sophistication is a hot chocolate in Costa. She still loves nothing more than a pizza, DVD and sleepover with a couple of other girls. Most of her friends are very similar, and have a real hatred of the "cool girls" who spend their time flicking their hair at 12 year old boys who aren't interested in them.

user1498549192 · 19/03/2018 17:44

I was exactly the same at that age. Introverted, and quite happy with my family and a pile of books! I had friends at school, but never had a burning desire to meet up with them at the weekend (although I did start to a bit more as I got older, I think I would have been just as happy not to!) I have turned into a perfectly well adjusted adult, with friends and a family of my own, but I am still an introvert and still a homebody. If your daughter is happy, and it sounds like she is, I would leave her be and enjoy the fact she wants to spend time with you Smile

thalia2018 · 19/03/2018 18:46

Yes she is quite grown up in some ways - for example, she's quite sensible about social media, ignores chain messages, and doesn't get caught up in the all the social media / whatsapp dramas that her schoolfriends seem to get into. Her teachers say she has a good attitude to school and learning.
She's also quite happy sitting playing lego with her siblings!

It's good to know that she sounds OK to you all Smile.
As you say Karid there seems to be endless books and advice about parenting babies and toddlers, but actually parenting pre-teens/teens is more confusing! I want to make sure I tread the right path and be supportive but not overbearing - plus I know parenting teens can be tricky so I want us to keep a good relationship.
Thanks Flowers

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