How do I actually deal with this? Lost plot

(46 Posts)
Prawncy Mon 11-Dec-17 09:23:41

DD (12) is a filthy creature. She buys sweets and fizzy drinks, basically stuff I wouldn't give her and leaves the bottles and wrappers in her room. I have this morning announced that she is going onto packed lunches so that she can't buy this stuff. It is a small secondary and all but 3 or 4 of the pupils have school meals so she isn't happy about that but she has proved she can't make good choices.

Her room is absolutely disgusting. I do laundry for everyone but I expect everyone to put their clean laundry away. She is doing things like shoving the clean washing under her bed or mattress, into corners, under furniture. When I discover this I am making her re-wash the clothes as they get filthy. I DO NOT want to go down the MN route of everybody doing their own laundry as I have a large capacity machine that takes hours to do one load. I am a single parent on a low budget and I can't afford that. I am also trying to get DD to understand that all these plastic bottles have an impact on the environment so doing several loads of washing where one would do isn't a route I want to go down.

She is very unappreciative of anything she owns, whether that be basic necessities or more optional items. I got her some diary doll pants because she is struggling with her periods. I could only afford one pair so they have to be brought downstairs each day for washing. I noticed they were not being washed and have sent her to look for them loads of times. I have just found them under her brothers bed, along with numerous other "lost" possessions.

What triggered this this morning was that I went into her room and noticed my cleanser sitting on her desk. She had been into my room and helped herself to it out of my drawer. I have told her that she is not to enter my room at all as she has done this a few times. I don't think she sees it as theft but I DO.

She seems really spoilt and entitled but I don't think I am actually spoiling her. She is teased for her clothes and stuff. I did once buy her some expensive-ish trainers but she just broke the backs down by walking on them so they are now unwearable. She just expects them to be magically replaced and I have made it clear there will be no replacement as she didn't look after the ones she had.

I really need to sort this out. I have tried loads of different things. I am quite unwell and get tired very easily at the moment and am finding it so hard.

In a nutshell we have lying, disrespect, leaving rubbish lying around. She doesn't seem unhappy. We live in an area where people are quite high income but even if I had the money I wouldn't buy her all this stuff as she can't be bothered to look after what she has. I have her Christmas present and this morning I really thought about just not giving it to her!

I know a lot of the attitude stuff is typical of her age but it has gone beyond that. There is a school exchange coming up and I've told her she can't go because the person would have to share her room and it is squalid. My mum used to do everything for me and I have possibly swung too far in the opposite direction and expected her to do too much in the house but it is not too much to expect her not to stuff litter in her drawers.

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Prawncy Mon 11-Dec-17 10:41:08

I am really upset again now because I was just in her room again and I found the battery bit for my fairy lights. She has cut the cable off at the first light. Another of my possessions wilfully destroyed. I know it is only a little thing but the lights were new in a box, she has helped herself ie STOLEN them from my room and cut them.

OP’s posts: |
Prawncy Mon 11-Dec-17 10:46:23

Oh and she has finished all the bread so I now have no lunch. I need to make my packed lunch now. I told her this morning not to finish the bread. We had the same last week when she made herself toasties, using up all the bread. The filling? Half a tub of sea salt ( discovered later). It's as though I have to follow her around watching her every move.

OP’s posts: |
lostink Mon 11-Dec-17 11:01:26

First of all she's 12! Girls by nature are messy believe me I have two of them.. but it really sounds to me that you don't like her very much at all.. now maybe it's just be behavior at the moment but if she feels this way too your going to really damage the relationship imo.. you talk of her steeling things from you.. I have two girls and they both on occasion have taken things belonging to me to use and I have never told them they are steeling from me.. you are the adult she is a child and to be honest I really think that you are being very hard on her.. of course there needs to be rules and boundaries but maybe your expecting too much from her.. it's all centered on her behavior but maybe you need to look at yours too..

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower Mon 11-Dec-17 11:03:01

How do you discipline her when she does these things?

I have a preteen as well, also struggling. I try to pick my battles but it's constant lying and stealing at the moment. Just complete lack of respect.

BreatheMeIn Mon 11-Dec-17 11:05:31

Hard on her? She took a new box of lights she chopped the battery off!

MsGameandWatching Mon 11-Dec-17 11:12:59

I think you’re on a fast track to your relationship breaking down entirely. I agree you’re being too hard on her and really sound like you dislike her. My parents were like this, at the same age too. They couldn’t cope with the teenage years and seemed to hate me from the age of 13 onward, they were constantly harsh and critical and nit picking - always trying to show me what Real Life was all about hmm. They have said that they didn’t actually realise how good they had it with me, compared to my younger sister. Our relationship has never recovered and I barely see them now, haven’t for over a year in fact.

Prawncy Mon 11-Dec-17 11:20:50

I really don't think it is expecting too much to expect someone not to take my possessions and deliberately destroy them! To me, taking something that doesn't belong to you is stealing.

I am starting to wonder if I am not nearly har enough on her.

I have tried various things but it nothing seems to have an effect. Mainly withdrawing privileges. She currently has no phone because she switched her phone off the other day and lied about it before going missing for several hours. She couldn't care less that she doesn't have the phone because it is a cheap one and not an iPhone would withdrawing it is pointless.

OP’s posts: |
Prawncy Mon 11-Dec-17 11:31:08

What should I actually do then? I cannot continue allowing her to destroy our possessions. She smashed up the remote control for a games console that was shared between her and her brother. Just because he was playing with it she snatched it and threw it against the wall. Replacements don't seem to be andvailable.

Incidentally I am NC with my own parents and I would say that I had a good relationship with dd. Maybe I have set the bar too low? We spent yesterday skiing together. It's not like I am on her case 24/7. I discovered all this stuff this morning. I asked her to get her school stuff ready last night and she lied and said she had done it. It was when it was trying to help her get her stuff ready this morning that I found about 20 fizzy drink bottles hidden in her drawers.

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SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower Mon 11-Dec-17 11:34:13

Of course it's stealing!

Why did she cut off the battery bit? Was she being deliberately destructive?

Mine does stuff like this too. He's been find for weeks, but the bad behaviour had started up again. hmm

MrsBartlettforthewin Mon 11-Dec-17 11:39:53

I think you need to set clear house rules for everyone, not justDD, then when she breaks them there is a clear consequence that would be the same for her brother if he broke them.

Could you have a family meeting, discuss how you are feeling in your health NOT about her behaviour specifically then get them to see that you need both of them to help out around the house. I wouldn't give rewards for doing chores etc. because that is just part of living as part of a family but do think she needs to see that her actions have consequences.

MercianQueen Mon 11-Dec-17 12:30:18

The fizzy drinks thing is interesting. I did something very similar at that age with chocolate. I wasn’t allowed it - partly because my parents wouldn’t allow it, and partly because I was on a “special diet” for a chronic illness I had. I would buy chocolate with my pocket money and then hide the wrappers around my room.

For me, it was about asserting a little bit of control. I wasn’t in control of the things that were happening to my body, I wasn’t in control of my diet, and I was marked out as “different” because of my illness and way of eating. The disrespect etc, of course there is behaviour there that needs challenging. But I do wonder if the fizzy drinks could just be her way of getting a tiny bit of control.

I have no idea how you address this, but it really does sound very familiar to me. Good luck smile

Migraleve Mon 11-Dec-17 12:33:55

She seems really spoilt and entitled but I don't think I am actually spoiling her. She is teased for her clothes and stuff.. I think most of your problems with are are summed up rather well here.

Isadora2007 Mon 11-Dec-17 12:41:23

You think you have a good relationship with her but I’m sorry- her disrespecting you is suggesting otherwise.
I’m interested in your decision or situation to be NC with your own parents, as often we revisit our past relationships via our current ones. How were you as a 12 year old? What was your relationship with your mum like? How do you want your relationship to be with your daughter in the future?

I think you need to sit down and get her to come up with suggestions and solutions. Listen to what she wants or needs and in turn she has to hear what you want and need.

Melony6 Mon 11-Dec-17 12:56:46

I would try to see it from the point that something is not right in her life/ making her unhappy and her answer is to spoil things for others so they see what it’s like, or some other unreasonable reasoning. She is deliberately being horrible. But I really don’t think things like withholding her Xmas pressie would help. Then it is two angry people scoring points off each other.
She perhaps feels ‘everyone’ at school has better stuff than her. Which in her eyes is your fault. So she is quite justified in her view to spoil your stuff.
I would try not to show your annoyance and exasperation ( cos no point her being bad if it doesn’t wind people up) and try some time together so you can talk . Try to let her talk and understand her feelings, not necessarily explain to her what she does wrong or needs to change. Just try to be closer.
I am talking with hindsight and what I wish I’d done with my dd when a preteen

Brewbees Mon 11-Dec-17 13:20:17

Do you treat you son differently to your daughter? Is it possible she is perceiving you have favouritism towards him?

If the thought even crossed her mind then she will do things to get your attention, and it seems to be working. She will feel that attention for bad behaviour is still attention.

Icantfindausername Sat 16-Dec-17 23:51:52

I have been going through some similar problems with my 11 year old dd. See my post called "11 year old daughter lying" and "pushing the boundaries" as some ideas on there which might help. Good luck x

Audree Sun 17-Dec-17 01:59:03

She might need more supervision and direction. More structure.
My ds is also 12 and he cleans his room once a week - it takes him maybe 30 min. One basic rule that I have is that he has to vacuum (which means the floor should be cleared) and dust (meaning the furniture must be cleared of things). But he’s been doing it for three years and it took him a long time to learn to clean properly. I think if you take the time to teach your dd, gently remind and supervise, she can learn. If she’s a typical preteen, get ready for eyerolling and foot stomping. My ds does this too, although he doesn’t complain and enjoys having a clean room now.
Food is a different story, in my opinion. I think bread should be plentiful - obviously anyone can run out of staple food, it happened to me as well many times - but I don’t think your dd should be blamed for it.
Also, fizzy drinks and sweets - forbidding some foods is a slippery slope, and can lead to sneaking, hiding and overeating. I would suggest having them in moderation and including them in meals, that way you could control them better.

lizabes Sun 17-Dec-17 02:17:18

The way to stop her sneaking junk food and hiding wrappers in her room is to be more relaxed with her diet and let her have some without feeling the need sneak them behind your back.

When she used the last of the bread where there other options there for her to eat?

Destroying people’s things sounds like a symptom rather than the problem. It’s more important and more effective to get to root of why she’s doing it.
Just blindly punishing her when you don’t know why she’s doing it will just cause more resentment and frustration on both sides.

Koala2018 Sun 17-Dec-17 02:17:27

As another commentor mentioned.

It just sounds like you don't like her This is mostly an issue with you, you need to learn to not focus on all the negatives and appreciate having a healthy lovely daughter you are her mother, she doesn't need you looking down on her and critiquing everything she does. Support her and help her flourish.

She's teased for the way she dresses, but she's spoiled? She sounds like she's comfort eating too.

With a mother who doesn't like her, being teased for the way she looks, comfort eating, living on a low income in an affluent area, her privacy being destroyed on a daily basis and a thundering presence of judgement from you. I don't see how she could be happy?!

Give her a break!! Communicate with her rather then dictating at her. Ask her opinion on things and be kind to her. And maybe spend some bonding time with her to get to know her a bit better. You'll be very surprised at the response you get from showing someone unconditional love and affection rather then judgement, irritation and disgust. She will clearly be aware of it

Somethingfantastic89 Sun 17-Dec-17 02:28:51

About damaging/breaking things: I have set a rule that whoever intentionally damages something and/or is old enough to be careful not to break it, will pay for a replacement from their pocket money. If it's expensive then they won't have pocket money until it's paid for.

Personally I don't consider it stealing when my DD comes into my room and borrows my make up/cream/hair products etc. I find it strange that you see it as stealing but to each their own.

The messiness comes with her age, if you get upset over it you'll just get very tired.

One thing I've learned, is no matter what she does that you find wrong or unacceptable, don't make it about her character. Always always discuss the one thing that she's done and why it was wrong and set consequences if you need to, but don't generalise and don't make her feel like she keeps failing you.

blackdoggotmytongue Sun 17-Dec-17 03:25:21

She gets teased for her clothes and now you are further forcing her into the line of fire with her peer group by making her take sandwiches?

I’m going to take a wild guess that she won’t make a packed lunch and will either get hungry and miserable and her behaviour will deteriorate further, or she’ll nick the money to keep buying lunch like everyone else.

This age is tiresome and exhausting, and sometimes they do really fecking stupid things (the battery shit). But really, the food, the mess, the eating the bread? Really quite ordinary and lashing out with punishments will be counter-productive. Don’t sweat the small stuff - focus on the disappearing/ switching her phone off. Everything else is just noise. Be kind to yourself. The next couple of years can be rough for kids who feel different.
(So far i’ve Had one of each - dd1 breezes through with just the messy shit - ds drove me crazy. Dd2 is 14 and is mostly pretty good except for organization and timekeeping...)

junebirthdaygirl Sun 17-Dec-17 05:08:57

I have a dd and all through her teens her room was a bombsite. I just ignored it. The only rule was no food upstairs for the whole family. My dd was a brilliant student and hugely involved in lots of stuff but l would say her teachers would have fainted if they had seen her room.
Every now and then she would go on a cleaning spree as her friends would be coming over. And a very odd time eg exam time l would sort it. Could ye do it together..not in a judging way but just helping her with a plan re storage etc.
She constantly borrowed my stuff...borrow not stole..its a teen thing. Did you not have dsis growing up that you borrowed from..
Your own stress is probably making things worse. And never withhold Christmas presents. They are unconditional.
Give her one chance with the exchange. If over Christmas she deep cleans the room let her go ahead. Just make a rule no food upstairs and bang the door shut and ignore it. If she doesnt have clean clothes thats her problem.
By the way my dd won a prize leaving Secondary as the student who had best represented the school on all occasions for 6 years. I didn't mention about the room!!

Tiddlywinks63 Sun 17-Dec-17 06:05:20

She sounds like a very unhappy child to me and what's the eating half a tub of sea salt about? That's pretty strange imo.
I think she knows you don't like her, possibly preferring your DS and she trying to get your attention but going about it the wrong way.
Try love bombing, make her feel loved and listened to and ffs don't withhold her Christmas present, that's spiteful.

noenergy Sun 17-Dec-17 06:26:05

I have seen the thing with fizzy drinks. If you don't allow something like that it is even more appealing to kids, that's why all things should be given in moderation not banned.

The other things like destroying things seem to be that there are deeper other issues, is she maybe being bullied at school?

All I can suggest is that you spend time with her and work with her to clean her room and bring her laundry down or put it away, have days out just you and her. Or just pampering yourselves at home

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