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How much do you push your dc to do something?

(7 Posts)
BeerBaby Thu 07-Dec-17 21:13:14

DS is a nervous child. He's sensitive and tends to worry. We've tried to find a balance with what we ask him to do. Such as he has to do the Christmas play but we've arranged for a none speaking part. He's very much a home boy and doesn't like change. He hates wrap around care so much I've had to adjust my working hours. This is about to change in January when I start full time work. DS has no idea this is coming!

He's loves all the activities he's done and involved in but we usually get tears and nerves a few days before.

He's getting worse as he gets older and if he had his way he'd go to school, come home and that's it. He has some lovely friends. He's been invited to a group friend sleepover this weekend. He's been to this house lots. His friends are going. I know the parents well, they are lovely and he always has a good time. He's slept out before etc.

The begging to not go is starting. He's not fallen out with anyone he says he's just very nervous. He has lots of things planned with his friends over the Christmas period and I suspect this is the beginning of him trying to get out of things that make him uncomfortable. We'll get the nervous tears for most of these things.

I'm concerned making him go is damaging but he's growing up and needs to spread his wings a bit. DH thinks he's "soft" and should just go. I'm worried pushing him to do it will make him worse but he has to start growing his independence.

How do I deal with this?

TeenTimesTwo Thu 07-Dec-17 21:21:23

I have no idea, but does he get any outside help?

Do you talk about what is the worst that could happen (so he can realise it is manageable?) and remind him of occasions when he was scared and overcame his worries and was OK?

My DD2 isn't very confident, and we push her to do things out of her comfort zone if we think she'll enjoy them when she gets there.

What year is he in? If y6 it can be massive with worries about SATs and moving schools etc.

BeerBaby Thu 07-Dec-17 21:26:24

He's year 5. He's very tired which doesn't help. He'll love it when he goes! It's the build up to it. The problem is the more times we tell him it's ok he doesn't have to go. The worse he is the next time.

TeenTimesTwo Thu 07-Dec-17 21:36:29

Do you keep reassuring him aka reminding him?

With DD we sometimes said we weren't going to discuss things until the day before and see how she felt then.
Sometimes we said she was to go, and then if she really wasn't enjoying it we could collect her.
Generally everything was fine, as it was fear of the unknown that was the worst for her.

The best thing for DD2 was actually going on their y5 residential. School were fantastic and she felt very proud of herself.

This has been a long term, so I'm not surprised he's tired.

abouttimeforanotherone Thu 07-Dec-17 21:49:02

How about another tack? As soon as he starts saying he doesn't want to go, (even if its weeks before the event), you just say something like:
"OK no problem, you don't have to go if you don't want to - you can decide nearer the time. It's up to you".
You need to show complete indifference.
That will take the pressure off him completely, and he'll get far less worried and panicky. Then, he might even decide for himself that he does want to go after all.

missmapp Thu 07-Dec-17 21:52:31

Ds2 is like this. We do push him to do things, but make sure he knows the 'way out ' if he gets there and still hates it. So far he hasn't used the escape plan and had enjoyed things . I think have a get out helps him get over going and then, once ther, he enjoys himself.

MigGril Thu 07-Dec-17 22:05:09

DS is like this but is still younger at the moment he's 7 year's old. I found he has gained a lot off confidence from going to beavers. It's really help, first sleepover he didn't want to go. Managed to get his big sister to talk him into it was 1 and his leader's did a good job to. He panicked on the way there but loved it. Second time he couldn't wait to go.

I think the key is he needs lots of reassurance when it's something new and outside his comfort zone. But beavers have been helping push him with it really gently. School in someway don't help and haven't challenged him, they don't want the upset I think. But he won't get that choice as he gets older so I'm trying to tackle it now.

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