DD Being excluded from group

(9 Posts)
ItsAllHarmless Wed 06-Sep-17 10:19:33

My Dd12 yr 8 went back to school yesterday and all but one girl in her group ignored her, this morning the 'my stomach hurts' comments started again.
Starting yr 7 all girls got on well and there werent any problems but towards the end of yr 7 one of the girls seemed to turn against her. Three of them would catch the bus together but this girl started freezing her out or making snippy comments if my dd tried to instigate or join in a conversation and the second girl would follow suit. My daughter would say she was ill to get out of going to school or beg me to take her and pick her up. Many days she came home and said she felt like a ghost as no one could see her.
Over the summer a few girls would meet up with her and they would spend time in town or at the park (not the two girls from the bus) but now she has gone back even those girls aren't speaking to her. It seems to be on the orders? Suggestion? Of these two girls.
I am lost, I don't know how to help my daughter anymore. Last year I suggested that she was polite to these girls when in the group as not to make people feel to take sides but obviously that never helped. I drove her into school this morning and seeing her shrink into herself more as we got closer to the school made me feel awful. I'm contemplating asking her if she would like to change schools or go in and talking to her head of year but could this make things worse in the long run?
Any advice and coping strategies would be more than welcome.

OP’s posts: |
WhichJob Wed 06-Sep-17 10:21:59

That sounds really hard for you both. Personally I would speak to the school first and see what they suggest and I would also consider moving schools and giving her a fresh start but that might be a bit extreme.

2014newme Wed 06-Sep-17 10:23:19

As a starting point I'd speak to school. I'd also invite some friends over, have you tried that? Have a Halloween party or some fireworks or something or a back to school movie and popcorn night. Inky invite nice girls.
Join some extra curriculum activities, drama is great for confidence building so is guides.

ItsAllHarmless Wed 06-Sep-17 10:35:32

One if the girls on the bus used to spend a lot if time in our home for around 4 years and I've done Halloween parties which one has come to and two other girls from the wider group. I think that's why this has hurt her and is hard for her to shrug off.
I will call the school today and ask to speak to her head of year to see if I can get an appointment. I am also trying to get her to join in clubs at school hoping she will make new friends but they haven't sent out the forms yet.
Thank you for your advice it's so hard to think rationally when you see your child hurting.

OP’s posts: |
2014newme Wed 06-Sep-17 10:37:24

Focus on something nice, ask dd to choose 3 nice girls not the meanies to invite over this weekend for a movie night or similar

ItsAllHarmless Wed 06-Sep-17 10:51:31

That's a great idea I will suggest it to her after school. Thanks

OP’s posts: |
mumontherun14 Wed 06-Sep-17 15:03:33

My DD is a little younger but had something similare last year. All I can say is give it some time. The 2 that were mean to her then fell out with each other and one has now come back to try and be my DD's friend. My DD is polite but hasn't forgotten and has made a new group of friends through an out of school activity which she really loves. Is there anything like that she would really like out of school to build her confidence? Also find a few of the nicer girls and invite them over to do some fun stuff. I would speak to her class teacher first to raise what is going on between the girls. They can't make them be friends but most schools will step in with some strategies if they feel it could be bullying. Good luck its horrible when they feel like this and you want to nip it in the bud at the start of the year but things may change and she might be able to make friends with some other girls x

ItsAllHarmless Thu 07-Sep-17 09:28:53

Thank you for the advice. I've an appointment with my dd head of year next Tues so hopefully will get some help and support from them and dd is on-board with inviting a few of the nicer girls round. I am also looking at getting her into a climbing out of school activity as she said she things she will enjoy that.

OP’s posts: |
claraschu Thu 07-Sep-17 09:55:08

There is usually one ringleader, as there seems to be here. In my experience, what helped most was a teacher having a very direct and frank discussion alone with the ringleader(s), explaining how specific behaviour is actually bullying and needs to stop immediately and completely. Then there needs to be a lot of following up on the situation.

I would go to the meeting with as many specific examples of what has happened as possible, and with names of the people involved. If the teacher is sensitive and experienced, he/ she may be able to help. Your daughter may be reluctant to go into this kind of detail, as she might feel that it will make things worse, or it might be humiliating for her. I think as parents it is important to help our children believe that problems can and should be fixed, not suffered through.
It is easy to say this, but terribly hard to act upon it.

Good luck- it is heartbreaking.

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