Fallout with dear friend over kids

[Mam2son]

This is my first time posting in a forum so please bare with me.

A very close friend and I have fallen out over our Ds. They are close friends but quite different in personality, my son is very outgoing and forward and hers is more reserved and sensitive. The boys have a close friendship group and do alot of things together, ice skating, swimming etc my son gets invited to alot of birthday parties but hers doesn't always get invited. He has always been invited to my ds parties however. Well a few days ago my ds was invited to the party of a close friend. Her ds was on in Portugal when the party was arranged and it seems he was not invited. I feel terrible for her son, I can imagine it being awful feeling left out so I do empathise with their situation. The problem, however, is that my friend is blaming my son for foe hers not being able to go, suggesting that he should have made an effort to ask the other kid to invited her ds. Now while my son is forward and would generally have no issue with this, he is only 11 and I don't think it's fair to put that kind of pressure responsibility on him. She called him selfish and disloyal and said she doesn't want her son to see him again. This is also not the first time it has happened we had a similar argument when one day the kids had planned in school to meet at the weekend. Her child went to her saying he waasnt specifically asked (not was mine but he is forward enough to invite himself - and it's not like it was an invite only occasion anyway just kids meeting up) we resolved that situation and since my son has to be very careful to ensure he asks her son individually rather than in a group to not upset him. This time however given what feels to be a direct attack on his character I not know what to do. I am very close to her and she is actually a really lively person but very neurotic with this son (she has 4 kids one being a baby and the other 2 teenagers) it also seems to be that the situation gets escalated when its her time of the month. I don't want to lose her friendship and feel totally chewed up inside about it all. I feel torn as a mother and a friend. As a friend I feel like I should be trying to help her see that she is being unreasonable and that she may need some help with controlling her anger at times. On the other hand I wonder if I'm wrong should my son be the one to fight his friends corner? He does have alot of close friends which I can imagine could make some friends feel a bit left out at times. He is a good kid and would ever intentionally leave someone out especially someone he considers a eat friend. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

[BenLui]

She's wrong.

It might have been nice to say what about X, but it's certainly not his responsibility particularly at 11yo.

I wouldn't be allowing her to bully or slander my son and I'd pull back the friendship for a while at least.

I'm not keen on people who create unnecessary drama and hate being manipulated.

I'd be politely defending my son but wouldn't be making any moves to reconcile.

[Mom2son]

Thank you benlui, I think deep down I know thats what I need to do but it really saddens me. She is a lovely person as I've previously said she just seems to be neurotic with this particular child.

I do really think it's an unfair expectation on my child.

[BenLui]

We have a few lovely friends with whom I categorically do not see eye to eye on parenting.

After a few years of stress, my DH and I made a clear decision: we don't interfere with or criticise their parenting but at the same time we do not allow their parenting to negatively impact our children, our home or our family time.

So for example while you may think it's fine for your child to throw food, but it's not allowed in my house and I'll say so and stop it.

You may think it's fine for your 10 year old child to throw tantrums in public but we won't condone it or stand and watch.

In the end it's usually easier to limit those friendships to adult only meet ups.

She's being mean to your son because she thinks you'll take it. I bet she hasn't contacted the party boy's parents to throw accusations at them... hmm?

[Mom2son]

In general the kids play well together and our parenting styles have never been an issue when we're together. I love the kids and not seeimg them will be hard but I'm upset as I thought she loved mine too. If it were me in her situation I would have tried to help my child to be more proactive himself rather than finding people to put the blame on and trying to teach him that life is hard sometimes and we won't always get invited but that's not a reason to lose friendships.

She did say something to the other parent too but I'm unaware of the outcome.

[mangomama91]

Did your son think maybe the friend would still be on holiday then so not even think about the invite for him?
Even so he is not his responsibility.
She's obviously looking out for her son but definitely overreacting here and is very wrong to blame your son, a child!!

[Mom2son]

I'm not sure but yes it is entirely possible as he hadn't heard from him all week. With alot of his other friends, even when they're on holiday they ring or text him regularly and so he is generally aware of what they are doing but as he didn't I hear maybe it's just not crossed his mind that he could be back, he did know just before the party because I mentioned that he was on his was back but I suppose by that time he may have thought it was too late to ask or even maybe that it would be a bit cheeky after it was already planned, he could have even thoughtvthey maybe he had to go home given that he was just back? I don't know

[NewDaddie]

Be civil and friendly but distance yourself from the mum. Let the boys relationship be, but you and the mum need some distance. Disagreements over children can get nasty.

[Mom2son]

Thanks for all the advice everybody
I will update as we progress.