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bolshy 12yr old not disciplined by dad

(2 Posts)
Anonymum1 Fri 12-May-17 12:46:27

Thursday evening after a fairly aggressive tea where the food is moaned about and his siblings are picked on, then a barged-in-on football game with Son2 and his mate. At around seven-thirty Son 1 decides to do a bit of French revision. He gets into a tiff with sister, I tell them both to leave it and he swears. Then turns to me and asks me to help him with his French revision. I tell him I don't want to until he's calmed down as he's been bolshy all evening. He disputes this and I leave the room as he's getting fired up and I'm not helping him revise if he's being rude. He calls after me accusing me of all sorts of rubbish and I suggest he calms down if he wants to keep his phone, at which point he tells me to Eff Off. I send him upstairs and tell him his phone's confiscated; he refuses to go and tells me to Eff right off again, and says he's going nowhere until he talks to Dad, who's outside the front where furniture has arrived. At this point I think, I can't have him defaulting to Husband or I'll have zero control when Husband is away. So I say no he won't talk to Dad and he better get upstairs coz it's not only his phone, there's also Sunday's ticket to Wembley on the line. He storms upstairs Effing and Blinding at me about his French revision and what an evil witch I am, and how can he do his French upstairs. I leave him to it, chat to Husband and after a few minutes ask Husband to go up and say what a shame and that I'm upset because of how well he's done this year in keeping his temper … in the hope of retrieving the situation … however, too late, he's already downstairs printing some French sheets out and muttering about me still. Husband takes Son 1 off for a chat.
Three Friends arrive to help us move some furniture - Son 1 comes to help too and appears to have sorted himself out. When it's in place the kids jump on. Son 1 appears to have forgotten about the importance of his French test. Husband is out front - I'm at the computer. I hear heated debate from the sofa turning into more swearing from Son 1, go and tell them all to get upstairs separately into their rooms. Son 1 again says he won't until he sees Dad who is the only one who will help him revise (he can't do it on own?). I tell him Dad's busy and again use Wembley as a threat and again get told to Eff Off. He goes upstairs.
Husband & Friend come inside polishing off a second bottle of red. Chat for a while, me having told Husband what has happened. In a bit I go up and ask the twins and Eldest Daughter separately what happened, though not Son 1 as he's still swearing at me. Settle the twins, come back down. Friend leaves at around quarter to ten. Husband goes up and has long chat with Son 1, as far as I know no consequences are issued and no apology asked for. However, Husband decides to postpone his early morning meeting so he can get Son 1 up early and help him to revise. This seems odd to me and also very unfair as I am again cast in the role of Bad Cop.
In the morning when I come down the revision is underway. I wait patiently for an apology from Son 1, assuming that he has been encouraged to do so, has calmed down and has decided to sort himself out, and I am quite happy to resume normal relations once this is forthcoming. But apparently the revision takes precedence and nothing is said by either party. By this time I'm feeling pretty tearful as I've been treated like dirt by Son 1 and let down by Husband who appears to have done nothing to make Son 1 sorry for his treatment of me, but rather has gone out of his way to help Son 1 do his revision. Thus sending him the message that his test is far more important than his behaviour. It occurs to me that an apology may not be forthcoming unless I instigate it.
Husband leaves for work and I leave Son 1 to it, but five minutes before he is due to leave, I ask him whether he has thought of apologising. He bursts into tears and asks me why I had to mention that, and how I don't care about his French, then runs to the loo. Doesn't come out until after the bus has gone so I give him a lift into school. He still doesn't feel that he's done anything wrong and just keeps going on about how I don't care about his test. I point out that of course I'd have helped him at any time this morning or last night had he been at all sorry for telling me to Eff Off several times; and also that he's being pretty selfish feeling sorry for himself after how he acted last night. He still doesn't get it but keeps right on feeling sorry for himself in a fairly unpleasant way and says he doesn't want to do the test and can't anyway and I've ruined everything. Also that he knew I didn't care about his tests. I tell him I care far more that he behaves like a decent human being and once he behaves as such I will happily help him. I also remind him he's not doing French next year anyway, and tell him to sort himself out and get on with it, as I will be doing as that's life. Still no apology, we arrive although he has the cheek to moan about me wanting him to get out at the roundabout, then refuses to get out and causes a traffic jam so I have to keep going and stop at the school gates behind a bus then wait for ages in the traffic along that road.
Feeling pretty shitty and unsupported today.

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic Sat 13-May-17 19:44:34

Can understand you feeling a bit unsupported. Did you tell your husband you wanted an apology from DS1?

Did you know when DS1 came home that he had to do revision and had you scheduled a time with him to do that?

Have you taken his phone away?

I'd also ask MNHQ to amend the title of your threadto mention it's a long post. It's puts some MNers off.

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