9 year old clashing with me

[Feellikerubbish]

My 9 year old son moans a lot. Teases his sibling a lot and doesn't listen to me much.

He loves playing computer games which we limit otherwise he wouldn't do his homework etc.

He often gets into these moods when he doesn't get his way and becomes really rude.

Yesterday he was supposed to come off the computer when I got back. Instead he finished off a round and went into another game. I asked him politely to stop, he ignored me. I then asked 2 more times but now raising my voice and he ignored me again. On the 4th time he then shouted at me that he heard me. He got off and became very rude, telling me to shut up and shouting at me. We went on arguing for nearly 2 hours on and off and I got to the point when I was almost in tears and wanted to storm out of the house!

His father was there but apart from telling me to calm down, said and did nothing. I get the blame from him that our son is like this because of me, not him because he's not there much as he works away a lot.

I know I shouldn't raise my voice but even when I try to walk to another room to call down, he would follow me and moan and be rude and not leave me alone.

Anyone been in a similar situation and have any tips/advice please?

[pleasecomesoonspring]

How did you punish him for ignoring you and being rude?

[Feellikerubbish]

I've taken away his computer system for 2 days.

[EnjoyYourVegetables]

I would be banning the gaming for a bit at the very least.

As a punishment but also because it can become all consuming and it sounds like he needs a break so you can start communicating without the gaming being in the way.

[EnjoyYourVegetables]

That makes sense.

[DalaHorse]

I hear you.

You need to toughen up with him.

I would personally take away the computer altogether for a short while (unplug/put password on he doesnt know) to reset his expectations and make him grateful to have it at all.

Then I would instigate a firm rule that you will ask him once to wind it down (5min warning) and then you will tell him it's time to come off. If he doesn't come off of his own accord I'd unplug the game. If he whinges about it more than a few grim kings I'd send him to his room. You don't have to listen to that.

No way would I be arguing for 2 hours over it. He has unfortunately got too much power in your house and it sounds like you're scared of upsetting him. Don't be. Once he's kicked his heels a few times he'll understand the process. Imagine yourself as a rock standing firm whilst he's a stormy sea. The rock doesn't move for the sea. Eventually the sea will calm down

There are two issues with your op. One us the computer but the second is that you asked him 4 times. Clearly he knew there were no consequences so he felt happy to continue the argument for hours. He can't speak to you like that. Imagine what a nightmare he'll be at school or when he's 16 and is much biggest. You need to really get tougher now or you'll have bigger problems than computer game arguments to deL with. Start by removing the computer "until you feel like putting it back on@. You don't have to explain your every move or decision. Tell him "I don't feel like it right now. I'll let you know when I do". Be a bit mysterious and off hand. You're the adult, he's the child.

[DalaHorse]

Grim kings?! Moments!

[Feellikerubbish]

I agree I need to be more consistent and firm. I have tried banning for weeks a few times in the past and it does make things better for a while. Then he gets the games back and slowly it gets bad again :(

[DalaHorse]

X posts. Glad you have removed the computer.

I would make more use of sending him to his room. Tell him you will speak with him when he is ready to speak politely. The first sign of rudeness and send him back.

There is no way he should be allowed to tell you to shut up. I would go strong on this. My 8yo whinges but I tell him to "be quiet" rather than say "shut up" (sometimes I am dying to bellow SHUT UP to him ) but I don't, I am zero tolerance on name calling and shut up etc as it's just so disrespectful and doesn't have any use or serve any positive purpose.

I need to model restraint in dialogue otherwise I can't expect dcs to do the same and they do pick up on what you allow or say to others.

[Feellikerubbish]

Also to mention is that he gets anxious easily and have always been a reserved child. He's a lot better now than he used to be but he tends to chew the skin off his fingers even if it bleeds whenever he gets anxious or unhappy

[DalaHorse]

What does he like to do for play when he's not on the computer? Is it reading, drawing, Lego?

[DalaHorse]

He doesn't sound that reserved to be honest op.

If he's anxious, then firmer boundaries will give him more security.

[Feellikerubbish]

Dalahorse- i agree and understand and it was my own fault for telling to shut up. I did it once when he kept on annoying me for a long time and I couldn't take it anymore. I have also slammed doors a few times. I know he gets it from me and I should show a good example but it's so hard!!

He did used to go to his room and calm down but this occasion didn't.

[ppeatfruit]

There is a good book called How to Talk so your Children will Listen and Vice Versa. (I can't remember the whole title).

I've noticed that the more they're on line , gaming etc. the grottier they get. How much exercise does he do? Do you notice if he's done something positive, anything,

Nagging is counterproductive and sending him to his room is too. It should be a nice place to go not a punishment. Does he get pocket money? Maybe he could do things like getting the meals ready, cooking etc. with you and or his dad.

[llangennith]

Your DH has a point. You argued with your son for two hours?? You're the adult, calm down and take control. Stop engaging with a child at his level. I think punishments should be immediate and shouldn't last till the next day. Your aim is that he modifies his behaviour, taking away his computer privileges till more than the end of the day builds up resentment and is no incentive for him to behave properly.

[Feellikerubbish]

He used to like lego but another anymore. He loves outdoors, going to the park, playing in the garden kicking a ball or trampolining. He likes swimming also. Problem is he likes me doing all of these things with him. I have a 5 year old too and he's not getting on with her. He keeps teasing her and leaving her out or they will play for a bit and end up arguing or 5 year old ends up in tears. I work part time and I have to do the cooking and housework too. Then there's homework from school and music practice and I just don't get the time to play with him. I'd like to sit and play computer with him and then my 5 year old also wants to play with me but with something else and I just feel so torn!

[FauxFox]

Is it PC games or tablet/console? If it's PC download TimesUpKidz and set him daily time allowance on there.

I did it for DD and it solved a lot of problems because after the allowed time they are just locked out. It gives warnings to count down time left etc so they can manage their time but it really cuts out all the arguing and strops! I was amazed

[DalaHorse]

You're only human. I just wouldn't make a habit of it and although I wouldnt advocate apologising for it, I'd say after "it was wrong of me to say shut up as it's a rude thing to say to people".

I'd have made him go to his room. It's great if they go on their own but he can't have the authority over you to continue an argument for 2 hours. If he wouldn't stay then I'd remove his bedroom toys and say he has a choice: to stay in his room and calm down with his toys or stay in his room without his toys and he would then have to wait until you felt like putting them back.

When you know you are in the right (as you were) and reasonable in your request (which you were) then you cannot allow him to have power over you and you have to strip him of his usual rights (toys, computers) until he falls into line again. If you allow him the power when he's being rude and in the wrong you're setting up for him getting a taste of the power over you which he neither needs nor wants, probably.

[DalaHorse]

Could you have more play dates at yours so he's got a friend for company and play more often?

[EnjoyYourVegetables]

As they grow up I think they respond well to more responsibility. But you will need to build some trust and regain authority first off.

It sounds like time is stretched but do you do chores together?

I honestly think it is good for older kids and makes them feel useful despite any moaning / grumbling to the contrary. The bind is of course it is quicker in the early stages to do it yourself.

Can his dad do st together that they both enjoy?

[ppeatfruit]

I worked as a CM\nanny for quite a few families (also have 3 of my own) and the sibling rivalry is what I noticed most. I ALWAYS treated my mindees and dcs fairly. They respected me for it .

So give each child the same time watching TV or screen time. etc. Keep a record and make a point so they BOTH know you are doing it. Explain it to both of them , then there's no reason for fighting between them. It's annoying but it's normal, they calm down when
they see you're treating them the same.

BUT sometimes at weekend bedtimes you can let him go to bed later by 'pretending' he's going at the same as his sister. Then letting him come down for a little while for one to one with either you or dh. Giving his self esteem a boost.

[Feellikerubbish]

He plays on the ps4 so not able to use a timer as with the PC. We used to have more issues with games when I used to restrict him more. He was not allowed during the week before and we found that he kept not wanting to get off at weekends and all week would be going on about when he can play. We don't have rules when he can or cannot play anymore, he can play as long as homework and other important things are done first. When it's time to stop, I usually make it dinner time or swimming time or something else to encourage him to come off and he usually does come off within 15 mins or so.

We had friends over at easter to stay and their kids were allowed to play on a screen all day and of course mine followed as I'm usually more lenient in the holidays but now a week after easter, I'm still trying to get hi back to the usual routine. He is now constantly asking for a screen. If it's not my phone then it's the tablet and if not that then ps4. He talks nothing else but games all day.

[EnjoyYourVegetables]

The talking non stop about particular games has happened here too at 9! It has got better.

[Feellikerubbish]

ppeatfruit- i will work on keeping it fair between them. I can see that will help them fight less and also less jealousy of each other. I did used to let my son have special time on Friday evenings if he behaves all week and we would have one to one time and play board games or comouter games, whatever he chooses but now that my daughter is older and sleeping later, I stopped it as I found it hard that we would end up going to be do late.

Dalahorse- he has a friend round to play every Friday, sometimes Saturdays too.

[Feellikerubbish]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I understand what I should do and I see that I have let slip in some areas.

To start with tonight, I will sit both kids down and explain the rules at home and the consequences. I will give my son special time on Friday evenings again. I will try and get more organised during the day or night and make a habit of playing with my son even if it's comouter games and the also playing with my daughter too before dinner time and then spend time with the both of them after dinner when it's no screen time. Housework can wait until they are in bed and they can each choose one chore to help out each night before bed maybe. I think I will have to make a timetable for myself as a reminder.

[Feellikerubbish]

I know I need to set an example with not raising my voice. I will do this a week at a time to try and get through each week. Next time he shouts at me, go ahead with consequence, take games away for that day as I agree over a day or too often will not make it as effective. Also, to just keep ignoring him until he talks nicely.