Dd 12 really pushing it. Help!

[mogloveseggs]

Hi. Could really do with some advice. She's going off with friends after school whilst I'm at work till late, lying about trying to ring me, dh (not her dad) and dm. Swearing, can be aggressive, her dad is encouraging her to lie to me. Am at the point of packing her bags. Any advice?

[firsttimemum15]

What makes you think her dad is making her lie? If they get on well although he is the irresponsible one could you ask him to have a word?

[mogloveseggs]

because she and he have admitted it. she's not listening to anyone.

[firsttimemum15]

Im sorry i didnt have anything else to say. I just wondered how you knew that. Why does he encourage her to lie?

If she listens to him is there anyway he could have a word and get her a bit more on side. Sorry it is so tough i didnt want to post and run

[vvviola]

I'm not at that age yet, so my advice isn't based on experience I'm afraid.

Could she be pushing boundaries? Trying to see what she can get away with? Playing you off against her dad for some reason? Does he like being the cool dad while you have to be sensible one?

Is there any way that you/DH/DM can collect her from school for a while "we can't trust you to be where you say you are, so we'll have to collect you for the next while".

I don't know, I think it's a tricky age. I have a very law-abiding streak so didn't cause much trouble, but I know my DB did around that age - partly because he was miserable at school and I think wanted to cause a scene so someone would pay attention.

Sorry, probably not much use, but didn't want to read and run...

[wombattoo]

Hi mog
Sorry you are having such a hard time. I know from experience how hard it can be with teenagers. I didn't have this sort of problem with my DS there were other things but my DGD is a couple of years older than your DD. Her mum was having similar problems with her lying about where she was going when she was out with her friends. She was rude her to mum etc. Mum was at her wits end.
I have always been very close to DGD, so I had a chat with her. She said just said that she felt her mum was too strict (she really isn't)
All I could do was point out the dangers of everyone thinking she was in one place when she was really somewhere else, and that we wouldn't know how to find her or help her if she needed it. Also, that if she couldn't be believed then her mum would be justified in never allowing her any freedom. DGD seemed to take on board what I was saying but her mum also threatened to take away DGD's phone. I think that's more what frightened her!
She had also started her periods and was a mass of raging hormones.
Anyway, it was a short phase and she has come through it.

The bigger issue is her dad encouraging her to lie. He must be an arse.

Are you on good enough terms to speak to him and say that you should both be united whilst parenting her, especially through difficult times?

I hope you manage to work it out. It is a difficult time for both of you

[mogloveseggs]

Thank you all I really appreciate your advice and opinions. Managed to have a calm chat with her today and pointed out that if she carries on I feel I'll have to give up my job as this only happens when I'm at work. Don't think she liked that idea so hopefully this will work. Dm going to have a word too. It's just exhausting. As for her dad, he says one thing to me and another to her.

[Justmadeperfectflapjacks]

Make sure you point of the priveliges she gets by you working which would have to be reduced if you were skint!!
I had to spell it out to dd 10 when I started working more hours. .
Remind her df isn't being a responsible parent by encouraging lying. .
Trying to be her 'mate' like this is damaging. .

[mogloveseggs]

I'll do that justmade thanks.

[MycatsaPirate]

Oh I remember DD1 being 12. She had just started high school and all of a sudden she just thought there were no rules and now she was at high school she knew everything and it was a really tough year!

They want to impress at this age. They want to be seen to be rebelling. I remember having to come down hard on DD1 and basically say that if she continued to behave like a petulant toddler then she'd be treated like one. On the other hand if she could prove she could be trusted then there would be more leniency and more trust shown and I would be more willing to allow her more freedom.

It was a tough year. Lots of her peer group were dying their hair, caked in make up, suddenly wearing clothes that were (imo) far too old for their age group, pushing each other to do stuff that they knew was wrong.

It's a crap age to be, not a child, not a teenager, not an adult. Just hovering in between stages and trying to grow up too quickly.

I hope you find something that works but do talk to her about things like trust and freedom, reputation as being known as a trouble maker or liar which is hard to shake off etc.

[wombattoo]

Good post by Mycat That is what my DGD was going through. It was easy for me to step in and mediate between her and her mum, but it wouldn't have worked if we weren't working together.

[mogloveseggs]

mycat thank you I've tried that approach today so fingers crossed.

[MycatsaPirate]

Good luck. It's a horrible age to be, they really are in a sort of no man's land and hormones are raging!

Hopefully you can reach a middle ground where if she abides by some basic ground rules you can give her certain freedoms in return (which are under your control then).

[Momwhoshadenough]

I've got a 12 year old daughter and she is getting me to the point where I don't want to be around her her attitude is vile the ways she speaks to everyone is disgusting and on her last chance at school she don't care about anyone but her self and makes me feel like a bad mom everyday just don't know what to do for the best