Friendship problems in secondary school

[Zippydoodah]

HI, I've written on here before about my 12 year old daughter's problems.

At junior school, she was a happy-go-lucky girl with many friends but struggled academically so always slightly lacked confidence in respect of that. I always consoled her in the fact that she may not be in the top sets but she has lots of friends and that is more important.

Secondary started well, or so I thought. She got into a nice group of friends but, this time, last year, it suddenly went to pot and the reasons aren't all that clear. She started to get excluded from parties and outings and you sort of rationalise it as a numbers thing but, if you are popular, you are the numbers so, deep down, it didn't really compute with me (and probably not her, either). Then it ends with them sending her out of her seat, saving places for one another (but not her) and she ends up being partnered with the least popular girl in the class (with good reason as she has a habit of destroying her work and that of her partners).

Fast forward to year 8 and I end up talking to her teacher as she goes through a phase of starving herself (slightly better and has put on weight but still v, v picky), showing signs of extremely obsessive behaviour and a completely unmanageable temper, where she destroys property and any sanction or talking to her when calm doesn't work. We do also have a CAMHS referral. We had an initial consultation and are waiting for counselling for Anxiety and Depression.

Back to the teacher, he talks to this group of friends, who turn out to be puzzled that she feels this way. Unfortunately, this didn't have the desired effect and they leave her out even more. One even started a rumour she is a lesbian the other day and then another sabotaged a lyric they were writing for music to something really creepy and made out it was her. I've tried encouraging her back to some of her old junior friends but they are mostly in their own groups now and are not as welcoming as they would have been, understandably. She's tentatively trying to seek out like-minded people but it's hit and miss.

She begs me not to talk to the teachers again but I'm on the verge of overruling her. I'm considering perhaps a different school or, at least, different class but she remains unsure so I don't know what to make of it all.

WWYD?

[gandalf456]

Place marking

[FairyAnn]

Couldn't read and run.

I went through something very similar in secondary school. It sucks, so I can sympathise with your daughter.

Two options spring to mind; my teachers moved a girl, who was also having problems making friends, into my form group so we could be friends. My year head noticed we were both struggling and recognised we had a lot in common, so moved us together.

Worked out great, so maybe explore that option with her teachers? There may be other pupils having similar difficulties.

Another option is an outside interest group. I joined a weekend drama group and made loads of new friends who shared my interests. The people at school seemed less important once I had that group to go and do things with.

[Zippydoodah]

Thanks. The friends seem to be picking on someone else now - not that that is OK - because I've made it clear to DD that I don't think she should be friends with them. It does make her realise it's not her but them so a blessing in disguise but I feel so sorry for the girl in question.

She does Guides and goes to a Youth Club which helps.

This holiday, she has been unusual in not wanting her friends round because she can't be bothered with all the drama that goes with it which is not like her.

We have had the neighbours' kids in, though, but they are younger.

She had a spectacular meltdown today over homework. The first in a while but I've been left feeling traumatised all day and very irritable with DS8, who is being an awkward sod in his own way, not wanting to leave the house even to grab a pint of milk.

[FairyAnn]

Hope that she can see past these so-called-friends and realise senior school is not the be-all and end-all of life. I know some people say it's the best years of your life, but not for me, and many others.

She's probably still dealing with it all. That time of life is full of hormones and drama and generally not knowing what the hell is going on. But she'll be okay if she's got someone who understands, like you :)

[Chimchar]

My dd, yr8, age 13 is having similar difficulties. She is also saying she feels depressed and is showing signs of anxiety.

We have accessed counselling quickly through the out of ours school counselling service. She has only had one session so far, but I'm hoping it works.

I really have no advice for you I'm afraid, but wanted you to know that you're not alone.

It breaks my heart on almost a daily basis.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Different school.