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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Preteens

12 year old daughter leaving bruises on ten year old son

21 replies

Mumof2girlandboy · 23/02/2017 23:04

Hi just looking for advice, i have a 12 year old daughter who seems to suffer with stress. She has had a behavioural psychologist through primary but this stopped when she went into high school.
Admittedly my 10 year old son is a wind up merchant who doesnt know when to stop. Unfortunately my daughters way of handling this is aggression which so far we have been able to deal with. Today however i noticed my son had two very large deep bruises on his arm obviously to me the shape of a mouth. After repeated questioning he finally admitted it was my daughter. Upon questioning her she admitted it straight away with no obvious shame at what she had done if anything quite proud of herself and said he deserved it for winding her up... i am at a loss nothing seems to work with her and she never seems to think she is in the wrong. It might be useful to mention they also share a room as we have bern on waiting list for a 3 bed for 18month now..

OP posts:

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Wolfiefan · 23/02/2017 23:06

Well they can't share a room can they? One in lounge? You share with girl and husband with boy? Far from ideal I know but you can't have them injuring each other.

ImperialBlether · 23/02/2017 23:07

Does she realise that if she did that to someone outside the family they would call the police?

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 23/02/2017 23:11

I also think they need to be in separate bedrooms now, and policed so as there is no hitting/physical contact whatsoever, or your direst punishment will ensue (internet off, phone taken away).

I would sleep in the lounge and give them separate bedrooms. This will give your 12 year old somewhere to retreat to if her temper is getting the better of her and your son can go to his too.

My children have very rarely but have hurt each other, one kicked the other recently (age about 12 and 10) so I'm not saying it as if these thing haven't happened to me, but my strategy is always to separate and send them to their rooms. It doesn't happen often but I don't think it's hugely unusual in siblings.

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/02/2017 23:13

I am not making excuses for your DD's behaviour as it is wrong.

What are you doing to stop your DS from winding up your DD?

5OBalesofHay · 23/02/2017 23:17

Sounds like he needs to wind his neck in. They are far too old to share a room.

LineysRun · 23/02/2017 23:19

I have slept in a lounge before now to give children their own rooms and space, and would do it again.

You then need to assess all these 'windings up'. Talk to each of them calmly, separately. What are the triggers? Why? What would help?

FrancisCrawford · 23/02/2017 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoMudNoLotus · 23/02/2017 23:24

These children are too old to share a room.

NoMudNoLotus · 23/02/2017 23:27

There has to zero tolerance for physical violence.

You need to put sanctions in place - do not provide "warnings" physical violence should result in an immediate sanction.

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/02/2017 23:30

There has to zero tolerance for physical violence.

this will only work if there is zero tolerance of winding up, otherwise you are giving your ds free reign to make his sisters life a living hell.

Darlink · 23/02/2017 23:36

Too old to share a room ??
Get a grip people.
Families all over the world live in one room.

Darlink · 23/02/2017 23:37

And I don't think your kids behaviour is that unusual. They will grow out of it !!

user1477282676 · 23/02/2017 23:43

Darlink Op's dd is a pubescent girl. They need space. It's innapropriate as both are heading or IN puberty and kids need to have their own space.

We're not in a third world country so saying families all over the world share is by the by.

OP....you need to make steps to ensure both have privacy. What is he doing to "wind her up" anyway?

NoMudNoLotus · 23/02/2017 23:46

Totally agree user.

As pubescent children of the opposite sex they need privacy. And role modelling of healthy boundaries .

pieceofpurplesky · 23/02/2017 23:47

Not everyone is in a situation where kids can have their own rooms

OP is there any way you can separate them? They are obviously bringing out the worst in each other

NoMudNoLotus · 23/02/2017 23:48

And I don't know what type of children some of you other posters have but it it certainly usual for a 12 yr old to leave mouth marks on a sibling.

PurpleTraitor · 23/02/2017 23:50

Christ me and my siblings were breaking bits off each other at that age. I still have the scars.

I realise that's not help to the op but some of the responses have me questioning my recollections.

Mumof2girlandboy · 23/02/2017 23:54

I do the best i can room wise, they only use there room to sleep in or do homework seperately in they get 1hr each a day to do what they need to do. The incident in question happened when they was playing outside then my son hid it as be never likes to get his sister in trouble (although i do think part of this is because he knows he is in part to blame) i do not allow them to play fight...
I do not hit my children but punishment wise i have tried everything... grounding them, banning technology, etc
I never raise my voice and i always give each of them an opportunity to speak freely to get there point across.
And yes my daughter bit him twice with what must have been some force.
The psychologist my daughter saw in primary did diagnose her with stress and anxiety although she said they do it on a point system and there were not enough points to refer her. She did however agree to speak to her weekly until the end of her primary years and gave her coping stratergies which no longer seem to work.

OP posts:

Mumof2girlandboy · 23/02/2017 23:59

He winds her up verbally it could be anything really... about boyfriends, if she wont play with him, asking her to over and over.... the usual really

OP posts:

user1477282676 · 24/02/2017 00:15

Do you have a dining room one of them could use as a bedroom? Or could you put up some kind of screen in their bedroom?

The fighting is normal to a degree although biting aged 12 is rather worrying.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 24/02/2017 08:40

There are plenty of people living in less than ideal circumstances, that's true, but surely if you have a child diagnosed with stress, then making space for that child to have a bedroom/space to decompress is a priority, within what you have.

I used to sleep in the lounge and my dd had the bedroom when she was little, and then she moved. I don't care about having a bedroom whereas to a 12 year old going through puberty and being stressed, it can be a sanctuary. One of mine needs a lot of time alone, the other wouldn't mind sharing.

Clearly something isn't working if there are deep bite mark bruising on the 10 year old and he hid it.

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