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11 yo DS telling his brother (9) he wants to murder me slowly and painfully

(15 Posts)
santassacked Wed 28-Dec-16 00:23:24

Tonight at bedtime after I had been in to their room for the 4th or 5th time to tell them to stop bickering and go to sleep.

I lost it with him.

It's not the first time. There is something about his behaviour and attitude towards me and DH (at his worst he seems to have no boundaries or respect) that makes us lose all reason. 2 weeks ago after a similar incident when he leaned over and hit me (I had called him a brat – not proud), I dragged him out of bed, pushing him in to a corner, screaming and shouting. A red mist descended and I know it’s wrong and not the way I want to parent. It never happens with his younger brother, who is a much more compliant and ‘easy’ child.

He has always been challenging, very bright, quite precocious, but sociable with lots of friends and can hold his own in adult conversation. Never any problems at school until the last year or two (he is in final year of Primary school in Scotland) when he has had some detentions, one for ‘strangling’ one of his best friends in an argument. He can be obsessive (certain topics /subjects hold his undivided attention for months at a time and then he quite suddenly moves on to the next thing).

He has always responded well to routine and structure but it is an almighty battle to impose routine on him in the first place and if we deviate from the rules or let him off he is straight on to it and uses it against us. He is incredibly argumentative and his default position is to disagree with us on anything and everything.

He is very tall for his age and I know it won’t be long before we can’t ‘contain’ him safely in the house. He has tried to run away a few times – jumping out of a window or walking through front door but always comes back quite quickly. I don’t want to go in to his teens like this. We need to find better ways to handle his behaviour and diffuse situations before we reach crisis point, otherwise I am terrified we will lose him. He is bright, funny, loving, headstrong and makes us so proud but I feel we’re failing him badly.

We have tried to get help in the past. The GP was hopeless and said we weren’t disciplining him enough. DH is very against getting any psychological / psychiatric support and generally not open to self help or asking for help. So we stumble on from one flash point to another, doing a little bit more damage every time.

sotiredbutworthit Wed 28-Dec-16 00:26:19

Does he has SN? He sounds almost Aspegers? You need to seek help now before this escalates. The school can help or see a different GP?

CavershamTights Wed 28-Dec-16 00:33:49

Why is your DP anti psychological help? It sounds like that is the only option here.
Personally I would seek a CAMHS referral with or without his blessing.
I am not judging but I would recommend having a really honest look at your own behaviour (both you and DP) and see if you may be contributing at all. Also perhaps seek some psychological help for yourself to help you cope.

Amandahugandkisses Wed 28-Dec-16 00:36:02

shock he used those words?!

santassacked Wed 28-Dec-16 00:47:04

I did not hear him use those words but his brother repeated them and I know he would not (could not) make that up.

Butterymuffin Wed 28-Dec-16 08:56:57

I really think you need to get help from outside. I don't know why your DH is so against it, but if what you've been doing so far isn't working, then as Caversham says, what other option is there?

JerryFerry Wed 28-Dec-16 09:03:37

Your husband needs to face the reality. If he was physically ill, he'd let him see a dr right? So why not an expert for behavioural problems? If you keep leaving it, you do risk immense damage to your son and all family relationships.
My son is v argumentative, it's part of his disorder. Once you know what's what, it's much easier to accept and manage.

santassacked Wed 28-Dec-16 09:48:01

What disorder does he have Jerryferry? We have battled with this on and off for years - last time we saw the GP was when he was in P3 and it was such a bad experience I think it put us all off. The GP just made us feel like we were terrible parents. We are not perfect by any means but we love our son and want the best for him and if it means us getting help to learn how to manage his behaviour then I want to do that. I think DH still feels there is stigma attached which is absurd, particularly as we have both benefited from counselling support in the past.

MavisTheTwinklyToreador Wed 28-Dec-16 09:50:47

You need to think about the lessons your own behaviour is teaching him.

MavisTheTwinklyToreador Wed 28-Dec-16 09:53:15

Camhs referral would be useful to you, go back to gp and mither until they help.

santassacked Wed 28-Dec-16 09:56:28

I think about this constantly Mavis and it's why I feel we are failing him. He presses buttons with me that I didn't know I have sad

MavisTheTwinklyToreador Wed 28-Dec-16 10:06:44

I totally get it but you need to try so hard to remember that what you do, he'll think is allowed. Camhs do a parenting course called incredible years.i found this a big help in improving how I coped with my son who has ADHD. Changing how I reacted reduced the anger and stress in the house. It takes a while but it's good. Camhs also got my son some help managing anxiety and anger. I had to pester the gp like mad and there was a long wait but we got there eventually.

MavisTheTwinklyToreador Wed 28-Dec-16 10:11:52

I can be a bit abrupt so I just wanted to let you know in case it's not coming across that I think you're wonderful for spotting there's a problem and trying to do something about it.

JerryFerry Wed 28-Dec-16 10:24:39

OP I have sent you a PM

santassacked Wed 28-Dec-16 10:40:16

Thank you Mavis I really appreciate that. And JerryFerry thanks for your message - I've replied.

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