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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Preteens

HE SAID WHAT????

49 replies

ktfs · 14/09/2016 13:07

Whilst checking my 11yo DD phone yesterday I discovered through conversations that a boy in her yr had said he was 'going to rape her' because he liked her and she told him she wasn't interested in him!!!!
Now as much as I realize this CHILD probably doesn't understand the seriousness of what he has said, this is NOT an acceptable comment to make jokingly or not!
She wasn't massively bothered by it, more than likely because she doesn't understand the severity either but still , I was horrified!
I rang the school and spoke to her head of year who has now spoken to both parties involved and assures me it is all 'in hand' and being dealt with. She tried to explain it away by saying he is one of the 'slower learners'.... this doesn't excuse it as far as im concerned.
Am I making too much of this?

OP posts:

Report

HallowedMimic · 14/09/2016 13:13

What else do you expect to happen?

Schools are in the business of education. Hopefully they will teach the boy the error of his ways.

He may be horrified by the greater implications of what he might have considered a throwaway remark.

Meeep · 14/09/2016 13:14

Boys are always saying they'll rape girls.
I'm very surprised that you are at all surprised.

happy2bhomely · 14/09/2016 13:15

I have a 12 year old daughter and if I found that in her phone I would report it to the school and then report it to the police.

It would send a very clear message to your daughter that this is not something she should ever have to tolerate and it would hopefully teach the boy that it is completely unacceptable.

If my son had sent that message to someone, I would want to know and I would want as much support as possible with dealing with him from the school and police.

When you say the head has spoken to both parties, do you mean the boy or the boy and his parents? Surely this is a safeguarding issue considering the boy is 11 too.

bearleftmonkeyright · 14/09/2016 13:16

I absolutely think you did the right thing telling the school but I would imagine it's in the hands of the safeguarding lead now. They won't be able to tell you much I guess.

MoreCoffeeNow · 14/09/2016 13:16

Boys are always saying they'll rape girls.

No they aren't. Not in my world.

ishouldntsaybut · 14/09/2016 13:18

I think you have handled this perfectly. The school are aware, have spoken to both parties and I presume advised the boy involved that this is not acceptable which is again what I would expect. If it's a one off I wouldn't be concerned and if the school see a pattern of events emerging with the lad they will deal with it then. Not nice but try not to worry.

SheldonsSpot · 14/09/2016 13:20

Boys are always saying they'll rape girls

Really?

WannaBe · 14/09/2016 13:22

If my DS said that to a girl his feet wouldn't touch the ground.

That being said, I do think that a lot of words are thrown about the playground at that age without even considering the implications of what they're really saying. It's not a justification nor an excuse, but if you e.g. Consider how often kids call each other gay or how many throw the words "retard" around without ever considering what they're actually saying.

This is why they need to be pulled up on it and hard, especially at a young age.

timelytess · 14/09/2016 13:22

Inform the police. Alert them to the potential in this boy.

ktfs · 14/09/2016 13:23

Boys are always saying they'll rape girls.
I'm very surprised that you are at all surprised.

WTF???
is this a serious post???
This boy needs to understand that what hes said is unacceptable and not something that you can 'say all the time'
If my son had said it I would be absolutely murderous!

happy - they have spoken to DD and the boy.
I just need to know that they have gotten across the severity of it....how can people be blasé about this subject?

OP posts:

bearleftmonkeyright · 14/09/2016 13:24

I have two boys, one who's 12 and I don't believe I've ever heard that. I will be asking him about this tonight and my DD who's 14 just to see if I am naive. I wouldn't want either of them to think it's acceptable.

MidnightVelvettheSixth · 14/09/2016 13:25

I have an 11 year son & if he had said this I'd be horrified & bloody furious! My DS doesn't really understand rape but he can ask me about words he's heard on youtube tutorials & words that his friends use that he doesn't understand (one boy had been playing GTA & was talking in the playground about a bit where he found a dildo in a bin, my DS asked me what a dildo is). My point is that your DD should not be subject to such threats but its more than likely the boy heard the phrase somewhere & used it without knowing fully what it meant, I wouldn't have thought your DD is in actual danger. So when the school get involved he will realise what he said & not do it again.

I'm curious about the slower learners bit, do they mean he's immature for his age or that there is SEN that excuses the remark?

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 14/09/2016 13:25

i think you need to know if the parent is aware of what he has messaged. As a parent I would want to know so that I could have a very specific talk with my child about what they have said and how I is inappropriate on every level.

I would be really angry to find out on the grapevine several months after what had happened.

SheldonsSpot · 14/09/2016 13:25

I'd want assurances that they'll be speaking to his parents too.

ktfs · 14/09/2016 13:34

The slower learners are just the band they are in in school. Hate me for saying so but a lot of these lads seem to be 'rougher around the edges' - I know that comment will blow up in my face but that's just the generalization!!!
They do hear things and not really understand what they are saying I get that,( my 6yo tells everyone who will listen that shes a lesbeeen because she loves her friends and they are girls ) he needs to know that this is one of those things you don't say as a joke.
I will check to see if they have spoken to his parents, she had to fill out an 'incident form 'this morning - what happened? how did it make you feel? what do you want to happen next? Ill ask her when she gets home how it went.

OP posts:

AleHouseWench · 14/09/2016 13:40

Meeep are you sniffing glue?

I don't know what world you live in but I'm pretty sure that I share mine with the majority where boys actually aren't always saying that they'll rape girls.

I'm actually blown away by your statement and they way in which you have trivialised the OP's VERY REAL concerns!

HateSummer · 14/09/2016 13:46

Boys are always saying they'll rape girls. I'm very surprised that you are at all surprised.

Wtf?! No they do not! What a fucking stupid thing to say

I'd treat this seriously OP, and call the police. It's a threat and this boy needs to learn exactly how serious a comment it is. A slap on the wrist won't be enough. He's 11 ffs.

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 14/09/2016 13:50

Schools usually have a police liaison officer, so rather than call the police and report it as a crime I would be asking the school to refer to the officer and have him/her have a word with all of the children about how serious this is.

JustDanceAddict · 16/09/2016 13:37

I would've gone straight to school too & it will be followed up by safeguarding lead I am sure, but I would ask to be updated as to the action taken, not sure I would involve the police at this stage.
I have a 12 yr old boy and he would never say that I am sure.,We have had a couple of chats about what rape means (he thought it was a rude word I suppose like f*ck so I set him straight on that), but not sure he really understands what it really means as he can't comprehend the action.

CaptinMuma · 01/10/2016 17:15

If someone said this to my DD I'd go through the roof with anger.

MamaMoose1 · 02/10/2016 23:06

It needs to be dealt with - But does this boy actually know what 'rape' is? Even though he may not understand the concept, he needs to realise the severity of what he has said. My 10 year old son hasn't heard the word, so have not had to explain what it means yet. I'd be pretty horrified if a boy messaged this to my daughter.

AppleJac · 02/10/2016 23:11

Boys are always saying they will rape girls

This was said alot when i was in high school from boys. I dont think they understand exactly what it means and it was always said from boys who imo were being dragged up

SansasEscape · 04/10/2016 13:08

Boys are always saying they will rape girls

Was said a lot in my mixed school growing up too. It definitely came from the more immature ones who didn't understand what that actually meant. they viewed it as the 'I'm going to beat you up' equivalent for girls.

ALemonyPea · 04/10/2016 13:12

I have three boys, and if I'd discovered they'd text someone that they were going to rape then, I'd be horrified. They're not "always talking about rape"

Speak to the school first, they will be able help. Do you know his parents are all? I'd be tempted to show them the texts as well and how they'd deal with it accordingly.

SarcasmMode · 04/10/2016 13:16

I'm thinking he is equating rape with sex?

Not acceptable though of course.

It's worrying why he would think rape was about sex really.

I think I would just watch out for messages and tell DD to let teacher know if he says anything like this/does anything that makes her feel uncomfortable.

I also think someone should tell the boy that this is what rape means so he won't use that term again without knowing the implications.

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