Reached an all time low with DS1.(15 Posts)
How on earth do you cope when they seemingly hate you?
It's DS's birthday on Thursday but at the moment we're not talking, he's 12 and last night we had the biggest tantrum of all ending in him screaming that he needed to call his father because we (me and DP) had punched him and broken his arm, we'd not left the room.... this is the sort of thing he does when he's not hearing what he wants.
I've reached the end of my tether with him, none one seems to know where to turn to next so for now I've stepped back and disengaged, he's broached me once this morning to demand money for lunch at school. The stress is making me unwell and I have 3 other children to look after.
Has he always been like this or is this a recent thing?
At this age they seem to become irrationally angry/upset for no good reason and it's bloody impossible to get through to them. I find though that walking out of the room for a period of time and then going back in say fifteen/twenty minutes allows time for diversion of attention elsewhere and then subsequent reasonable discussion. The more you stay to have the discussion at the time, the more fixated you both become on not backing down (or maybe that's just me and mine, ) whereas walking away for a time will likely make him just pick up something else to do, and you calm down for a bit and be able to go back in with a clear head.
What's your relationship like with your ex? And more to the point, what's his relationship like with him? it can be bloody hard at this age, but do as you did when they're toddlers, grit your teeth and utter the imortal words "it's a phase. This too will pass."
The lying about things has always been a problem, DS can stand in front of someone, kick them in the shin and then deny it.
Nothing is his fault, ever and he's never done anything wrong, he will always try and pass the blame.
I don't have a bad relationship with exp, we talk about the kids (DS1&2) but we aren't exactly friends, he is having DS for dinner tonight to try and talk to him.
At the moment I'm sick to death of my days spent making life easier for him when he seems to hate me and everything I do.
I left the house for 20 mins last night to get some headspace and returned to a full hour of DS1 in my face crying/screaming abuse.
Is he very bright? Often at this age they are so sure of what they want, and so imaginative, that they will invent scenario's in their head and absolutely convince themselves that black is white even though the evidence is right there in front of them.
Plus they seem to have lost all empathy and logic at this stage. Lie to get themselves out of trouble even though the trouble they're in for lying is ten times worse than the trouble they would have been in for the thing they lied about.
What are his good points? Sometimes the attitude and the moods and the lying can be so overwhelming that it's easy to lose sight of the good things and to focus on those.
Is there something the two of you can do together without the other kids? Something he enjoys which will take your focus off the moodiness and strops?
How does he get on with your DP?
Does he have anything you can "take away" for unacceptable behaviour? DS (11) has occasionally spoken to us in a manner we deem unacceptable, got himself in state so he's not listening to the arguments / logic / another person's view point. We have found that remaining calm (not always possible) and the threat of missing football training / match (he plays for a club team and its his absolute passion) - and following through if necessary so he does miss it (and the implications of being dropped / letting his team mates down) is usually enough to stop it in his tracks.
Is there any hobby that he can "lose" for bad behaviour / xbox / phone etc?
How is his sleeping and eating?
Have you spoken to his school?
How are his friends?
How is the rest of the house? Are you a shouty house?
Yes, he's lost his mobile phone, I've locked it down so he can call me or Dp or his dad in an emergency but nothing else.
He had lots of good points, he's funny, clever and kind to his baby siblings.
He is bright, and started a new highschool so he has a lot going on and I appreciate that, I've bent over backwards to help him every step of the way.
He doesn't get on well with DP, they have their moments of fun but the rest of the time they lock horns and it's a nightmare, it's like he will go out of his way to step out in front of dp while he's walking so he can start crying he's been hurt, DP is so upset that DS is trying so hard to get him in trouble, he does the same to exp and he's been known to do it to other adults in charge. I don't know what he has to gain from it.
Sadly I'm used to this now but I need to find a way of moving forward. I am meeting him after school this afternoon so it's a chance without the others to talk.
He sleeps well, eats a lot, he's had loads of friends round after school.
We can be a bit shouty but nothing terrible.
He cannot accept something not going his way and if he's told no to something he has to keep explaining and reasoning to try and get us to change our mind and gets more and more worked up because he says we're not listening to him which we are we just aren't agreeing with him.
He is my soft teen and I have no clue what I'm doing.
We had a lovely week last week, everyone was up at their leisure, no one shouted, everything was great and then this week it's like a war zone.
Have you Sat him down and told him what can happen when he tells lies about being hurt by an adult? Is he aware him and hour younger children could be taken away if he says you broke his arm or hurt him?
Imo his too old to be making lies like that up, my 4yr old knows not to lie about being hurt so a 12yr old should understand.
Really hope he settles down soon though, sounds bloody hard work!
We've told him, admittedly always when he's already in full tantrum mode so maybe if I tell him when he's calm it might sink in more.
Sorry to hear this op hopefully this horrid phase will soon pass!
I am not enough in the know as I struggle with my ds who is 11 and a half. He argues for the sake of it and always thinks he knows best. Flippin' hard work....
Thanks for the messages so far, another awful day with him.
I picked him up from school and had a chance to chat just me and him, usually something that is effective. I got met with grunts, Shrugs and a lot of "dunno" when asked what was going on with his world.
The only thing I discovered was he's not been taking the medication he's supposed to before eating since he started school, so his chance to show us he's responsible had been blown and now I'll have to sort a while heap of stuff out.
I have told him that why he wants I have a chat about things then I'm here but until then I'm done. Not ideal i know but my MH is really suffering at present.
My son was just like yours between 11 and 12. Have you read The Explosive Child?
I didn't know you could put phones on lock down so they can only call certain numbers!
Is that iPhones?
No I haven't, I'll read it tonight,
It's the parental software we use, it's called Qustodio its ace, we can tailor every single app, number, text message etc to come on at certain times and turn off at certain times, and alert us to key words being used etc.
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