How can I help my 9 year old dd manage her temper?

[Dancergirl]

Dd3 is 9.5, going into Year 5. She's the youngest of 3 girls and seems to be my most challenging child.

She has a terrible temper and will lash out physically at the smallest thing (usually with dd2, they clash quite a bit). Her excuse is that her sister was winding her up but I always tell her that there is never any excuse for violence/hitting/kicking etc and we need to think of ways to control her temper.

She will also lose it with me and get cross, speak to me rudely and just act like a madam. I just don't know where I am going wrong Sometimes she sounds so spoilt and entitled. She's very quick to pick up on my tone of voice, if I sound slightly irritated she asks me why I'm cross. So I speak to her in a pleasant tone, she gets cross that my voice is 'patronising'.

Puberty has definitely started so I know a lot is down to hormones. But she's always been like this. I don't think she ever outgrew toddler tantrums so she's gone straight from those to hormones!

For the record, she's perfectly behaved at school and I get glowing reports. But her behaviour at home really gets me down. I'm worried we should have been a lot firmer with her years ago

[GoldFishFingerz]

Mines like that particularly if he's not had enough sleep. We are calm parents but he very sensitive and can hit siblings (which is unacceptable). Routine helps, being empathic, having quality time together and really connecting helps, having pets help, rewards, holding DS in positive esteem helps, modelling the behaviour you want to see helps, having positive expectations, being kind, being fair and really listening helps. It's bloody hard work though. I see the sensitivity aspect as a gift generally as its linked to insightfulness, awareness and imagination.

[GoldFishFingerz]

The days we are more connected, he seems happier.

[Dancergirl]

Actually when it's just me and her, she's much better. I know it's hard for her being the youngest and not having privileges such as a phone or staying up late. But she should be able to express herself without lashing out by 9 surely?

[tarheelbaby]

Here, here! My oldest DD (age 9 going in to yr5) is like this too. She over reacts, twists everything into a drama and goes stomping around. It's bloody hard work but then, she always has been. I give her cuddles, tell her I love her, let her know she's over the limit and then send her to her room or some other area to cool off/chill out. She is frequently rude and claims not to realise that her tone/vocabulary is offensive. At school, she is a model child and I know that takes a huge amount of energy so I try to provide mountains of food and offer responsible privileges to help her feel valued and build her confidence.