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DD and questions about bio father...

(3 Posts)
back2bed4me Wed 29-Jun-16 10:53:17

To cut a long story short, I had my daughter at 19. I told the father the day I found out, I was very confused at the time and deeply depressed. He didn't believe me and refused to do a DNA test, I asked him multiple time over the first few years of my daughters life and he still refused.

I eventually gave up and finally met my now husband, my daughter was 4. After a year my daughter accepted him as her father. He's been amazing. Adores her and we now have twin daughters.

Over the last year or so my eldest daughter has been asking a lot of questions. Wanting to know why her bio father didn't want her? Wanting to just know 'stuff' about him. I've always tried to tell her what I can, but it's hard not to be biased and bitter in the information and having not known him particularly well as it was a short lived relationship.The only thing I have refused is to give her is his name, I don't feel she is ready at 12 to make contact and have him yet again refuse he's anything to do with her (I know he still does as I know people who are friends with him).

But recently she's been having dreams about us staying together as a family, she seems frustrated and at a loss. She's not herself, she's stroppy (more than her normal hormonal strops), making silly decisions and it all seems to stem from these unresolved issues. When she asks to know stuff about him, I ask what she wants to know, and she just responds with 'everything', but obviously that's not something I can provide, I've told her everything good that I can remember about him, but I've also told her the truth (as honestly as I can for her age). It's important to note that she has severe speech and language delay, so I've always had to keep things simple for her and these delays have always had an impact of her emotional/social maturity.

I'm getting my sister who grew up without her bio father (my own father also adopted her) to come and have a talk with her, hoping that someone who has gone through almost the same thing may be able to help her in ways that I can't.

Am I doing the right thing? Would you give her a name (I have told her I will tell her at 18)? Any thoughts or extra suggestions. Counselling we just can't afford, otherwise I'd definitely be doing that too.

Tippytoes13 Tue 05-Jul-16 23:33:51

Hi, it sounds like your daughter wants to know who her biological father is, that's perfectly understandable, I wouldn't withhold information from her. My dad adopted my sister, we have the same mum, but different dad's, her father was pretty much the same, got my mum pregnant at a young age and left all the responsibility to my mum. My sister sees her bio father, maybe once a year, but they don't have a proper relationship, I think it's just done out of duty. Can you contact her father and tell him your daughters thoughts? I always think it's important to be honest. I would give your daughter all the information she is asking, if her father refuses contact with her, you can only be honest in an age appropriate way. I think just dismissing her thoughts and wanting to know more, will just get worse, at the end of the day, she has the right to know who her father is. I don't think it's easy either way and it always makes it more difficult when the bio father doesn't cooperate, even if it's for your daughters best interests.

TeenAndTween Sat 09-Jul-16 13:02:01

My concern is that if you give her a name she will be on to google / face-book and try to track him down when she isn't emotionally ready for meeting or for rejection.

So you need to either continue down the not telling route, or sit down and have a mature discussion about what the possibilities are if she contacts him. If she won't / can't have a mature discussion then it shows she is not ready yet imo.

My DDs are adopted from care and my elder one's views on meeting up with members of the BF matured and changed dramatically between ages 12 and 16.

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