9 year old friend issues affecting more than just him and the friend!

[stomachinknots1401]

I'm sure that this issue has come up before but I just need some advise on what to do. I have been very close friends with a lady since we were 11 years old, I had my son & 9 months later she had hers.our boys were inseparable due mainly because of our relationship. we then went on to both have girls 2 weeks apart so our children all have or at least had a very strong bond.lately my son is upset at being left out of games or feels ganged up on by this boy & likewise this boy will go to his mum and say the same about my boy.I think the thing is they are both wanting to be "in charge" all the time & obviously both cant be all the time.I'm not saying my son is an angel but I am starting to be a "mother lion" wanting to protect him from the situation any way I can.He is often being moaned about by this one boy in our little group of children for not wanting to join in or for being moody.I have given him strategies which don't seem to be working,such as rather than getting cross because you are being left out or if for instance they are playing a wrestling game & he feels he is being ganged up on by him & doesn't want to play, ive suggested that he simply says he is tired or legs hurting etc & is going to go sit down,this worked in the first few instances as this boy left him to it but now he's begun moaning to everyone that my son is being moody having a strop etc,he even went so far as videoing him on his mums phone the other day & then laughing with the others "look at him on this vid its hilarious, so funny hes having a strop" etc.I saw that as being a bit of a bully, maybe i'm over-reacting.my son has now said he would rather not see him anymore as he's miserable & upset if he does when there is more than just the two of them there.this would be ok except for the fact that we have friends in common with boys roughly the same age & we all tend to meet up together.he'sried that if he decides to not see this boy anymore he wont get to see the others & my daughter & my friends daughter wont see each other either,also what will become of me and my friend of nearly 30 years.my family all think this boy is a horrible kid,not based on what I tell them but how he behaves when they see him, I know to a certain extent he would be better off if he didn't see this boy but I'm not sure how to negiotiate the getting together with the other mums & children without making things un-comfortable.he is going to be going to secondary school in a couple of years so will be able to make choices about who he sees & if I manage to navigate through this period of time successfully hopefuly I will still be seeing her & her daughter for playdates with mine etc & he can then make the choice to come or not come as he will be old enough to be home alone or to see his other friends etc but at the moment if my daughter wants to see her friend and I want to see mine then he has to come with me.my stomach is in knots the whole time leading up to meeting & throughout, so my son is anxious and so am I! any advise on what I should do?

[CotswoldStrife]

Why do you have to take your son with you when you see your friend? I can see that your daughter will want to see her friend but it does sound slightly more that you want to see your friend. You can still do that without your son being there!

[stomachinknots1401]

I can, but as we all tend to meet up as a big group after school at least once a week I either say no to meeting up and yes of course I can meet up with her on our own etc or we go so my daughter can see her friends. he's very close to the other two boys so each time I try to give him the option he wants to go to see those two and we both hope that the one he seems to be having a problem with and himself don't come to blows but they seem to. I just worry it will make things uncomfortable. he joined cubs as we as a family along with extended family thought it would do him some good and he thrived, made new friends etc but then this other boy asked to go to the same group with him, and has even asked if he can go to the same secondary school as mine(my family were very disappointed about the cubs thing as my sister pays for it and was hopeful that he would make some new friends so when this boy joined she was quite annoyed) so at the heart of it they both seem to want to remain friends and this boy obviously does like my son to ask to spend more time with him, but then it all goes wrong when they do see each other.

[nilly1306]

I think it might be good idea for all four of you to get together and discuss your concerns without making any accusations and also give the other boy a chance to voice his opinion. Ask (rather than tell him) how you can all make it better for everyone. Be very clear with what you want changed and say it clearly but diplomatically. It may be that neither the mum nor the boy have any idea what effect his actions has on your son and you. If your friendship is strong with his mum she will be happy that you talked about it rather than let it affect your friendship.