Friendships and resilience

(13 Posts)
OldGuard Mon 16-May-16 17:23:17

I have a 10 year old

Her best friend is 11 years old - they've been best friends since they were 3 and 4. They have beds at each other's house and clothes and toothbrushes. They go to different schools - always have - they met at a sports activity which they still do together.

The other lass [11 year old girl] has become friends with another girl [12 year old] at the activity and my daughter, despite knowing in her heart that you can have many friends etc etc, is feeling hurt and left out. She did tell the new girl [12 year old] that she was feeling excluded and could they all play together and the other girl told her to "suck it up and deal with it - [11 year old girl] likes me better" (I heard this said as I was in the next room preparing food)

Clearly I can't intervene - but what is best way to help my daughter? We are having new different girls over to play and hang out and trying to expand social circle but it's not stopping the heart ache of what my daughter perceives to be losing her best friend

For those mums who have been through this, what can I do to help her ?

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OldGuard Mon 16-May-16 18:14:04


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ASpiderInThebath Mon 16-May-16 18:25:54

Not been through this but I've always encouraged my dds not to have one best friend. I always thought, what if that person moved schools or found a new best friend? In my opinion it puts yourself in a vulnerable position to have one best friend and I even try myself as an adult to live by this and have maybe three best friends and a wider circle of other friends. I'm not having a dig at you, I'm probably quite a cynical person anyway. But my advice on how to move forward from here would be to encourage your dd's other friendships as you're already doing and try not to make a big thing of the fact the friend seems to be moving on. But it does sound like your dd and her friend are very close, almost like sisters, so it's very likely that their friendship will continue but might take a new shape now and not involve so many sleepovers etc. That's life though, friendship dynamics will change. flowers for you, it's hard to see our children sad isn't it.

OldGuard Mon 16-May-16 18:29:02

Thanks for responding
Yes we have discussed all that - she is aware - just hate to see her hurting so much

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Beatles19 Mon 16-May-16 20:30:33

We are going through something similar, and yes it's really hard to see your children sad,
But I think great advice from Aspider which I will try and take on board myself.
And am watching with interest.
Good luck

Chrysanthemum5 Mon 16-May-16 20:44:16

DD is younger (8) but had this last year. She had a really close friend and they did sleepovers, played at school and just had a close friendship. Then the friend (X) decided she wanted to be friends with the 'cool' group so didn't want DD to go round anymore, wouldn't play with her etc but told DD they were still best friends and asked DD to not play with anyone else. It ended up that DD was spending a lot of time on her own waiting for X to play. I explained to DD that you had to judge people on what they did not what they said - so if X was saying they were friends but then leaving DD to be on her own then that wasn't kind. I also said that X had been a great friend and we still loved her but it would be good to play with other children. Now they are really good friends but DD has a much wider circle of girls she plays with and is much happier

mommybunny Tue 17-May-16 09:28:12

It is heartbreaking to see our children so sad and hurt, and in some ways I think it's harder for the parents to watch it than for the children themselves to go through it. The only things I think you can do are the things that have been said before: encourage other friendships and distracting activities and offer support and a shoulder to cry on whenever it's needed. Good luck.

Beatles19 Sat 21-May-16 07:24:48

Hello Oldguard
Just wondering how your daughter is, and how she is handling this new situation now?
Hope she is oksmile

OldGuard Sun 22-May-16 12:11:03

Beatles thanks for asking - ups and downs - trying to work on expanding friendship circle - she was down because she was excluded from a sleep over so I took her shopping - I realise not great solution but I was trying to distract her smile

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OldGuard Sun 22-May-16 12:12:46

I keep reiterating be kind and be friendly to everyone and don't show them it hurts

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OldGuard Sun 22-May-16 12:13:18

And then setting up loads of hanging out with other people

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OldGuard Sun 22-May-16 12:14:34

And reinforcing all the positives and wonderful qualities she has

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Beatles19 Sun 22-May-16 16:29:55

Well done, you sound like you are doing a great job.

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