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Help messy 11 year old dd!

(26 Posts)
ExasperatedAlmostAlways Wed 17-Feb-16 09:10:25

My eleven year old is driving me up the wall. I have a three year old and a six year old and she's much, much messier and never tidies up after herself it's actually making me demented.

It doesn't matter how many times I tell her she says 'righttttttttt,I get it stop moaning' then proceeds to make a mess everywhere. I can't stand it.

So this morning for instance iv just went in the bathroom. That was clean and tidy. She's had a shower and there's shampoo squirted down the side of the bath and it's not been rinsed despite being asked ten thousand times. So there's hair all over it too. She's pulled hair out a brush and left it sitting in two big clumps on the windowsill...the bins below it. She's squirted toothpaste over the side of the sink and not rinsed it away and obviously what she spat out hasn't been rinsed. She's left the brush and bobbles on top of the toilet cistern.. The basket for brushes and hair accessories is right behind it on a shelf. Dirty clothes, knickers and wet towel thrown on bathroom floor. She went back to her room after and has a laundry basket there. Deodorant with lid off sitting on toilet cistern when the vanity unit is 60cm above it and where it goes.

Breakfast, she's left the sugar sitting out the cupboard, lid off, sugar all over the worktops and chopping board, bowl just sat on the work surface next to the bin but not emptied, clear mascara with lid off sat on kitchen worktop so it's all gloopy, slippers in middle of kitchen floor. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I'v not been to her bedroom yet to look as I can't handle it.

Does anyone have any tips how to make her be tidier because just asking her repeatedly to do the things needed or showing her isn't working. I'm going to need to go round all morning with her getting her ready to remind her to tidy up!

TheSecondOfHerName Wed 17-Feb-16 09:31:18

I have two eleven year olds. They are not as messy as your daughter, but still slightly messier than my older two children. In my case, it's because I tidy up after them too much.

Would consequences work?

Give her a list with your expectations. Give her a set time in which to complete the tasks. If they are not completed, then you won't be prepared to give her a lift to her friend's house / take her shopping because you will be spending the time clearing up her mess instead.

Girlfriend36 Wed 17-Feb-16 09:36:13

The mess needs a consequence, the bathroom sounds gross! Does she get pocket money/ allowance? That would be stopping pronto if she were my dd!

PrincessHairyMclary Wed 17-Feb-16 09:42:06

In each room stick a visual reminder of what needs to be done with a very simple instruction / checklist. Maybe with the top 5 things that annoy you the most and make sure the whole family follows it don't just single her out.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Wed 17-Feb-16 10:20:18

I don't give her a set allowance. Perhaps some of you could advise what would be a good amount. I thibk it's a good idea now as I feel as if I'm dishing out money left, right and centre. She is disciplined, but that's a total drama too. If I try to take her phone away as punishment she throws the biggest tantrum, my neighbours must think im trying to kill her. If I tell her to go to her room she just refuses and if I try make her by taking her by the arm she just pulls against me.

She's really hard work and I am quite strict about her behaviour but it doesn't make a difference. She's just driving me up the wall at the moment. I ran her and her friend to the cinema yesterday and we stopped at morrisons so they could run in and get sweets. Twenty minutes they took to come out. I had my youngest two in the car and didn't wnat to leave to go find them incase they came out and we missed each other. I'd told them how much the tickets were and her friend came out and had spent more than she should of and didnt have enough for her ticket. So I had to root around in the car to find money to make it up.

Sunday I dropped them in town to go get their friend a birthday present my daughter had twenty pounds to buy it and get lunch, she messaged asking if she could go into the Chinese as it was one pound for chicken noodle soup, a pound for chips and a pound for a drink. When I picked them up she'd no money left and couldnt explain why when the present was only ten pounds. Her friend told me she had six pounds. Yet managed to buy sweet and sour chicken, a desert and drink. Her mum a cheap mothers day present and a Costa. My daughter told me she was embarassed as her friend was shouting stuff like Hong choi yo etc in a Chinese accent so I said she wouldn't be going into town again alone. I think she's a bad influence as she's quite cheeky to her mum and gets to do whatever she wants so would easily get ten pounds a day to do something in the holidays.

Iv been too easy on her, I need to give her an allowance and she then decides what she does and once it's gone it's gone. She's had forty five pounds since Thursday and I am not willing to give her so much when she can't even help or tidy up after herself.

Iamnotloobrushphobic Wed 17-Feb-16 10:28:31

Omg - your just described by 12 year old DS. He too says riiiiight, I get it! He too is exceptionally messy. Food wrappers, drink bottles and rubbish is constantly accumulated in his room, his clothes are just scattered around his room (clean and ironed ones as well as dirty ones). He leaves empty shampoo and shower gel bottles in the shower. He leaves empty biscuit packets in the cupboard. He leaves wet towels and dirty underwear on the floor. Dvds, books and games are scattered everywhere. It drives me nuts. He can never find anything so drags stuff out and empties baskets onto the floor searching and then leaves everything on the floor.
I made him tidy his room yesterday and it is already a mess today. DH is exasperated and has decided to start fining DS 50p Everytime his room is a tip.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Wed 17-Feb-16 10:33:16

Iamnot, I forgot about the empty wrappers being left in the cupboards and fridge when she takes the last thing and the wrappers down side of bed.

I say to her every time she comes in. Go put your jacket and shoes away. And she says where. On the shoe rack and the coat rack same as every.other.day AHH. She comes in for school and dumps bag, shoes and jacket on stairs. Then runs up the stairs past the shoes rack and coat hangers at the bottom of the second set if stairs up to her room in the loft. Seriously?!

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Wed 17-Feb-16 10:37:28

Just been up to her room and it too is a mess after being tidied yday, dirty knickers and towel lying so close to her laundry basket they are touching it. Why not put them in it. I despair.

Iamnotloobrushphobic Wed 17-Feb-16 11:03:50

Yes, yes, wrappers down the side of the bed - did I mention we found approximately 100 wrappers a few months ago shoved down the side of the bed?
And yes, yes, to dumping things when he gets home from school. Last night it was his blazer dumped on the floor with his dirty shoes on top.
I won't even mention the fact that he isn't supposed to west shoes upstairs due to the muddy mess on the carpets..
Does your dd also lose all of her clothing at school on days where she had changed for PE, because it's apparently impossible to put everything in the bag when taken off?

shebird Wed 17-Feb-16 17:11:06

My DD has morphed into a messy pre teen in the last few months. She used to be reasonably tidy, put dirty clothes in the laundry etc. but this all changed at about age 11.

I agree with what others have said regarding an allowance - this is my bargaining tool along with her phone grinit also stops me shelling out endless cash on her social life. She gets a certain amount each month and its up to her if she blows it all on rubbish or saves it for something she wants. In return we expect her to help out at home when asked and tidy up after herself. If doesn't pick up after herself I just the threaten to stop her allowance and use the money to towards a cleaner- this usually works.grin

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Wed 17-Feb-16 17:59:23

Yes iamnot, an expensive school parka was lost a few weeks ago. My sister in law (who is teeny) said il give her one I don't wear to save buying another. She lost ALL her school skirts! Can't find gym kit etc. Tells me she has no homework then rushes around at quarter past eight in the morning when she "remembers" she has stuff due in. Pain in the bum.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Wed 17-Feb-16 18:00:42

Shebird I'm defo going to go with the allowance, how much do you give if you don't mind me asking. I told her today ten pounds a week and she said 'ten pounds' and rolled her eyes! I said that's over half a thousand pounds a year and she went ohhhhhhh.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Wed 17-Feb-16 18:02:06

She also keeps going on about how ALL her friends are getting 1000 pounds when they turn eighteen but she knows they won't. She doesn't have a clue what she's getting, neither do I at this stage but I'm certainly not telling her she is.

CharleyDavidson Wed 17-Feb-16 18:09:26

Ten pounds a week is generous, imo. My DD gets £20 for the month. Yes, I will buy her clothes and things that she needs, but any luxuries come out of her money.

I recognise the whirlwind of mess that my DD also seems to create. She does dump her school stuff in the same place (not on the rack) and just gets called back to do it. She spits and doesn't rinse. If I hear her in there I remind her, otherwise I call her back to do it. Any mess she creates, she gets called back to sort out. She does huff and puff about it, but I work on the theory that if she's inconvenienced by coming back to sort it out repeatedly, then perhaps it will sink in at some point. Last time she and her sister had a bath I came in and found nine (I counted) towels on the floor. I read the riot act, made them tidy up and the next time they went for a shower/bath I told them upfront how many towels I expected them to use and how I expected to find the room. It was tidy when I went back in!!!

Her room is immaculate mostly since it was redecorated how she liked it as a present last Summer hols. Occasionally she does start to get messy, but then tidies up again.

There's a blanket rule of no food in bedrooms and no drinks except water up there too which helps limit the wrappers/dishes etc.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Wed 17-Feb-16 18:17:58

Charley, I might do twenty a month in term time then and forty in holidays just because they do so much more. But it will be removed if she doesn't behave.

Yeah she got the loft converted last year so she would have a room to herself! So there's two rooms up there one for each of yhe girls and she chose how she wnated it and still doesn't keep it tidy. As of yesterday iv said no food anywhere except the table so hopefully that will help with the wrapper etc.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Wed 17-Feb-16 18:20:35

What about my six year old, should she get pocket money? She's a great help and really tidy too. She's totally opposite from my eldest and saves like mad. My inlaws give them cash for things like certificates at school, good marks on spelling tests etc and my eldest didn't save a penny and the youngest saved every single penny and had seventy pounds to take on holiday. Eldest was raging and said were we going to give her the same amount so she had spending money. Answer, no. She was told repeatedly to save if and shed have nothing when we were going away and didn't care.

MadamDeathstare Wed 17-Feb-16 18:29:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clearsommespace Wed 17-Feb-16 18:32:16

I don't ask repeatedly. I just mention once ' DC I see you left your dirty clothes on the bathroom floor' and I don't clear up after them. If it isn't done next time they need any kind of help from me, I bring it up it then. A breakfast plate left out gets left at their end of the table and if it is still there when someone is laying for next meal, it stays there. So when they come to the table, they have to clear up breakfast and lay their own place for even if it wasn't their turn. If someone pops over I say sorry about the mess, DC hasn't put away their stuff. They hate that!

Iamnotloobrushphobic Wed 17-Feb-16 18:39:38

We do £20 per month pocket money plus I pay the phone contract at £10. The warning about fining him for a messy room was delivered tonight after his blazer and jumper were dumped on the floor and loads of other stuff was left in a mess.
We already have a no food upstairs rule but it makes no difference to the wrappers as the wrappers come mainly from stuff he has eaten at school. He can't be bothered to bin his rubbish at school so just brings it home and leaves it in his bedroom.

FullOfChoc Wed 17-Feb-16 18:41:44

DD (10) is pretty messy. I have resorted to standing over her while she tidies up, this is more time consuming than tidying myself but I am hoping it will get her into the habit (please, please!). Also no computer time until her room is tidy, so she can do it in the morning or after school - during the time she would be allowed on the computer.

CharleyDavidson Wed 17-Feb-16 20:44:16

I do twenty most months, but then give them a holiday bonus to allow fo the extra things they do in the holidays. Perhaps an extra £5 for a half term or £10 for a longer holiday. Mostly they've saved a bit though so it's a bonus instead of being needed.
I used to give DD £10 per month when she was younger because she'd have more things bought for her rather than buying them herself. It was dependent on keeping their room tidy and putting away their laundry (a job I detest).

Lurkedforever1 Wed 17-Feb-16 20:56:56

How about giving her a small allowance made up to the full amount in exchange for some household jobs being hers? Eg extra £5 a week for keeping the bathroom and kitchen tidy (including sibling made mess). Not talking about proper cleaning, just tidying and wiping kitchen surfaces once a day. She'll soon realise how annoying it is when her 'tidy' is trashed by siblings, and that her untidiness doubles her work. Once she's reformed I'd then change it for a task that was less harsh.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Wed 17-Feb-16 21:04:15

I'm going to tell them both they need to keep their rooms tidy, every day. Beds made and blinds opened in morning. I'm going to make my eldest walk the dog round the park after school that's next to our house. Iv shown her how to use the washing machine and told her it's her responsibility to put a wash on when it fills up (it's not particularly big but is shared between her and Dd2) my youngest dd doesn't actually need asked to do anything as she asks what she can do as soon as i start tidying and she also loves washing up and begs to do it and asked me to get her an apron last week to wear when she washes up 😂. Who knows if it will continue when she starts going out socialising more with friends though. She also likes to Polish and clean the mirrors, put laundry away. Will give eldest twenty and youngest ten a month.

How do people deduct money if they aren't doing as they should. I know a pp, mentioned dollars, maybe fifty pence if they do something to make a mess or not do their chore?

I want her to get a good work ethic and to realise she needs to budget and won't be able to get and do everything she wants as she grows up due to possible financial restrictions so it's defo a good thing to start.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Wed 17-Feb-16 21:08:14

Oh she's now kicking off about it being "Only twenty pounds a month" thats hardly nothing when her friends will be going swimming and into town or cinema every weekend. I said well you need to learn a work ethic and realise you need to work for your money and how to budget and decide what you should and shouldn't spend your money on. And her reply was "MUM, budget! Work ethic! I'm eleven," huff, walk out room.

She really is a spoiled brat 😞 problem is my husband's been working away for nearly seven weeks and so iv been a bit too lenient just for an easy life and to keep the peace for myself.

FullOfChoc Wed 17-Feb-16 21:20:31

I am slightly uneasy about linking pocket money to chores. What happens when they say 50 p is not enough to wipe the bathroom over?

They should be contributing to family life without being paid? The pocket money is separate or at least not linked to specific chores.

I'm saying this like I have the answer here, when I only wish I did...

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