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DD (11) stealing -long back story

(4 Posts)
Lonecatwithkitten Sat 02-Jan-16 14:02:33

I apologise for the long post, but there is huge back story that is very relevant to my current problem.
Four years ago my ExH announced he had been having an affair, he pretended to try to work at our marriage, but never stopped seeing OW so ultimately our marriage ended. I only once shouted in anger and DD was asleep at that time so she never heard the reason for our split whilst we lived together. 5 days after leaving the house he had OW stay with him whilst DD was there - so she knows why we split.
I have never been derogatory towards him or other OW at any point. OW is an alcoholic ( she was a friend of mine before affair) and has no driving licence and will never have one again due her DD conviction.
Initially we had 50/50 partly due to my job which involves on-call working requiring me to leave the house in the night. ExH contact time was a chaotic mix of his house, OW's house and his parents meaning that DD sometimes slept in 4 different beds each week and on his contact she never knew who was going to collect her from school.
In Dec '13 ExH got arrested from drink driving ( twice over limit) with DD in car, lost his licence for 17 months and lost his job as he needed to rive for work. As he lived in middle of nowhere and couldn't get DD to school contact was then switched to EOW and I got an au pair to help. Then in Jan '14 DD revealed to counsellor at school that ExH and/or OW verbally abused her when they were drunk and she did not feel safe with them. So on legal advice all contact was stopped. ExH moved to somewhere an hours drive and a ferry ride away where he had a property and got another job.
Over the last two years contact has rebuilt to EOW and time in holidays controlled by what DD wants. At various times ExH has said that he has split with OW to DD then she has reappeared. At October half term DD was introduced to a new GF and then meet her on another weekend. Just prior to Christmas it all blew up ExH had been seeing both and DD was with him when it all got unpleasant ( he may have also been having a relationship with his lodger).
Before Christmas DD refused to go for contact with ExH, then got upset admitting she had wanted to go, but wanted him to 'fight for her'.
Over the last two years her weight has ballooned and has been stealing food with me, I try not to make too much of an issue offer good meals and limit stealable food in the house, though I need to have done for Au pair.
So some of the adults in her life set terrible examples regarding honesty etc.
At Christmas we visited my parents and a large box of quality street went missing and my mum looked rather foolish when she searched for it front of other guests. My Mum went looking on NYE for some gifts she has for some people in the room DD stayed found the virtually empty box and that one of the gifts she was also looking for missing.
My nieces also stayed some of the time (15 and12) they state DD had the box they had some of the chocolates, they asked if they were Granny's and DD said no. They have lost their phones for a week and this weeks pocket money.
DD is at her Dad's she knows that the theft has been uncovered and we will discuss it tomorrow when she returns. Getting ExH involved is worse than useless.
I am angry and upset and struggling know where to start with punishment.
I know her circumstances explain a lit of this, but are not an excuse. She has stopped seeing the counsellor at school and refuses to go again ( horse to water).
In general both myself and my AP (28 older sensible) are firm, fair and consistent, DD knows where she is with us.
Thank you for reading such an essay.

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 02-Jan-16 14:03:29

Oh yes I have not had any new partner and I do go out once a week to a choir to do something for me.

Caprinihahahaha Sat 02-Jan-16 14:08:58

I think you should talk to her in the context of asking her why she did it and how it made her feel.
I would bet my house that she is feeling terrible shame. Shame and food make dreadful bedfellows, especially for girls.

Honestly, I would find a punishment for the lying but do it in the context of a conversation where you talk about comfort eating/comfort food ultimately making us sad.
If you dollop punishment and shame on her at a time when part of her life must feel quite out of control I think it will make matters worse.

Lonecatwithkitten Fri 12-Feb-16 15:04:23

Bumping this back up as I did what Caprihi suggested we talked about what feelings made her take the stuff and we seemed to be moving forward.
Today I came home at lunch time and my Au Pair was very upset DD has stolen food from her room. I have to have Au Pair as I work weird hours and ExH live 2hours including a ferry ride away.
I think the time for being nice and understanding is over. I have already informed the parents of DD's friend that DD will not be going for a sleepover tomorrow. DD will be taken to the supermarket tomorrow and made to replace the items with her own money.
I just don't know what else to do I am just getting lies on top of lies. Even when I point out she can not be telling the truth she just lies more. At my wits end.

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