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Adult threatened my child

(27 Posts)
Applesnoranges15 Sun 02-Aug-15 18:51:30

Hi, really not sure what to do. My dd had an argument with one of her friends from school today. She was out with friends so I wasn't there to witness it and I've only got her side of it. Basically, this girls mum has prodded my dd and shouted at her in therror street. My dd apologised for what she had said and really wants to be friends with the girl she argued with.
Later the girl's mum sent a nasty message to my dds phone. I replied in a perfectly civil way about how my dd had not behaved in a way I would like but pointed out that it's not right for an adult to bully a child. I didn't use any bad language or badmouth her child. She sent an even nastier message back and said I was rediculous and that my dd is disgusting. My dd and I are both really upset about the whole thing and we are really worried this woman will carry things on. She's well known at school and part of the Pta with lots of friends there and knows all the mums and my concern is that she will bad mouth me and my dd to everyone. One of my dds other friends has already cancelled coming over to our house tomorrow.
I just don't know what to do.

bestguess23 Sun 02-Aug-15 18:55:05

Is your DD being honest with you about what happened? It sounds like a very extreme overreaction to a disagreement. Could you call the mother and ask what happened and check you both are on the same page? If she is just being ridiculous then there is not much you can do and your dd will move on. If there is more to this you need to get to the bottom of it if it is to be resolved. It's not ok what the mother did but it sounds like she thought she was protecting her daughter.

Wolfiefan Sun 02-Aug-15 18:59:03

None of what you say mentions a threat. If someone threatened physical violence I would be contacting the police.
How old are the girls?

bestguess23 Sun 02-Aug-15 19:02:56

Did the friend who had cancelled for tomorrow witness what happened today? If so, that might be a clue that your dd has behaved very poorly. Can you tell us anymore about what actually happened and what the mother said? It's hard to offer advice as we can't be sure of the degree of the altercation or the threat made by the mother?

Applesnoranges15 Sun 02-Aug-15 19:08:50

I'm trying to get as much info from her as I can but she's so scared of this woman and is convinced she's going to get all the other parents to stop letting their children be her friend. I don't for one second think my dd is blameless but she's not disgusting.

I tried to get back in touch with the woman but she seems to have blocked us.

DixieNormas Sun 02-Aug-15 19:10:22

If an adult prodded my child I woukd either go to their gouse and ask what they thought they were playing at or id phone the police.

I would expect an adult to come to me if there was an issue with my childs behaviour

cuntycowfacemonkey Sun 02-Aug-15 19:12:56

It really is impossible to know how to approach this without any details about what actually happened, you seem reluctant to expand on that side of things so I'm inclined to believe your dd has behaved quite badly.

bestguess23 Sun 02-Aug-15 19:13:03

Oh dear, it's a horrible situation. Maybe try explaining to dd that it is really important that you understand exactly what happened so you can help her tackle it. If she can't articulate it could she try writing down as much as she can remember? This woman is not going to be able to turn people against her, membership of the PTA doesn't give her magical powers to affect people's opinions. If dd has behaved really badly and doesn't deal with it she will lose her friends. What the mother did is not ok but it sounds like dd is more concerned about getting her friends back and maintaining her positive image, try to get her to focus on fixing that. The mother can be dealt with when you know more.

Applesnoranges15 Sun 02-Aug-15 19:24:14

Sorry. The mum prodded her repeatedly and threatened to wring my daughter's neck if she spoke to her daughter 'like that again'.

The girl who cancelled didn't witness the incident.

They are 11.

Apparently, a goup of kids from their primary school met up to have a chat and a game of football. Some of them didn't have pockets for their phones so they gave them to this girl who had a bag. The girl later went to the shops with a friend without telling any of the other kids and took their phones with them. My dd still had her phone and all the other kids were asking her to message this girl to get their phones back. As the texts were going backwards and forwards the kids were getting more and more frustrated and angry about where this girl had gone with their phones. Apparently there were some phone calls between them too.
I have read the texts and whilst she does keep asking where she is and saying they need there phones back there isn't much else to it. I obviously don't know what was said over the phone but I have had 'stern words' shall we say, with my dd about how she conducts herself. She's a hormonal pre-teen and she sometimes let's her emotions get the better of her.

AngieBolen Sun 02-Aug-15 19:25:50

It sounds like your DD has been really out of order, and this other mum has got really cross.

There are mums all over MN who will tell you exactly what they would do if their DC was treated badly, and it sounds like this mum is one of them.

The fact that you have been blocked, and another girl doesn't want to come round, and your DD is scared other parents are going to stop their DC being friends with your DD suggests to me your DD isn't so innocent. Why do you want to get back in touch with the family?

Your DD has not been bullied by an adult. She has been poked, and shouted at. While both are unpleasant, and some will say it's assault, this is not bullying.

Applesnoranges15 Sun 02-Aug-15 19:28:53

I initially didn't want to give too much detail in case this woman identifies me from this post.
When i see her next she is likely to confront me over this as it is. I am actually frightened of seeing her.

bestguess23 Sun 02-Aug-15 19:33:13

If what you have said is the full extent of the bad behaviour then the mother had overreacted. Why would you need to be scared about seeing her? If you are confident that the mother is in the wrong then anyone else will see that she is wigging out over nothing. Are you friends with any of the other mothers? It might be useful to hear from a kid who witnessed what the mother did particularly if you want to take it further. Does your dd have any marks on her?

AngieBolen Sun 02-Aug-15 19:33:37

Are they even going back to the same school in September?

Are you seriously worried this PTA mum will bad mouth your DD in a months time when school starts again?

It seems to me like your DD was VERY TOLD OFF by someone elses mum.

Of course, this is totally unacceptable these days, and the mum should have politely explained to you that your DDs choice of words wasn't particularly nice. If you wish to explain this to the other mum, go around to her house, if she's blocked you.

Or just accept that your DD was nasty, and felt the wrath of another parent.

There will no be loads of posers saying they would never, ever poke another child, no matter what they had done.

There will be plenty more (maybe not on this thread) that will happily admit to what they would do if another child was unpleasant towards theirs.

Wolfiefan Sun 02-Aug-15 19:35:51

Wring her neck? Horrid way to talk to a child but I'm not sure it was meant as an actual threat.
All sounds a bit hysterical. If your DD gave out her phone is she being blamed for what others said?

Applesnoranges15 Sun 02-Aug-15 19:42:46

I have never said my dd is totally innocent. How would you like it if an adult didn't bother to speak to you about a problem with your child and just started prodding them, shouting at them and threatening them in the street. Then proceeded to send nasty txt messages to your child. Then when you tried to get in contact to find out exactly what's gone on you get blocked.
If she would speak to me we might find out that neither of them are innocent.
All children have arguments and I think it would be better to find out the full story of what's gone on.
I don't think it's right assume that because my dd is the one being berated in the street by an adult that she is totally to blame. If I had been there maybe I would have been having a word with this woman about the way her children spoke to mine.

sleeponeday Sun 02-Aug-15 19:55:00

Can you contact a mum whose daughter was there, and ask what happened? That will help you understand the level of drama, perhaps.

Is there any chance anyone accused the other girl of stealing the phones? Kids can get pretty hysterical (so can some mothers, going on the other's behaviour!). It's probably just a storm in a teacup, but worth resolving asap. And if there's more underlying it, then you need to know asap.

AngieBolen Sun 02-Aug-15 20:08:21

I wouldn't like it if an adult didn't bother to speak to me about a problem with my child and started prodding them and shouting at them.

I would therefore go round to speak to them, or phone them from another phone.

Even if my DC had don't nothing wrong, I would just decide my DC was to have no contact with this mum again, even if that meant minimal contact with her child.

But you seem concerned other people are going to turn against your DD now. If you really are concerned about that, then now is the time to be friendly with the other mums to minimise the situation. Start by talking to the parents of the child who has cancelled coming over tomorrow.

Do you want us to tell you to go to the police about this?

Earlybird Sun 02-Aug-15 20:35:10

Slow down. Calm down. Stop panicking.

Can you meet her for a coffee to discuss this? Maybe say something like ' it seems there was a problem between our dds, and now everyone is very upset. I'm not sure exactly what happened, or how it evolved into such a mess. Can we please sit down and talk about it so I'm clear on exactly what occurred? '

Approach it calmly. Ask her what your dd did that was so upsetting. Listen - calmly - to what she says. Don't get angry. Just listen. Then ask her how things escalated so quickly/badly. Ask her how it was that she got involved. Ask her exactly what she said and did to your dd. Maybe even respond to her the way you would a naughty child: 'oh dear. Well, X is far from perfect and any child can make a mistake or have a lapse in judgement. But it sounds as if you really lost your temper. That wasn't necessary was it? My daughter might have done something she shouldn't, but I'm sure you regret reacting so strongly toward a child. She was very frightened and upset. In future, please come speak to me if my dd does something wrong. I will address it with her.' Or something like that.

Shame her - in a gentle but pointed way. Be mature and calm, not confrontational but direct. You'll get the message across that what happened wasn't ok, without escalating things even more. And don't be afraid of her. If you shrink away and respond to the situation with fear and anxiety, you are letting her bully you.

Tryharder Sun 02-Aug-15 20:50:34

If my child had behaved badly or fallen out with another child, I would expect them to sort it out themselves.

If on school time, I would ask the school to intervene.

If I thought parental intervention was necessary - absolute last resort - I would contact the parents myself by phone or face to face speak to them in a reasonable manner.

I cannot be hung to understand why a grown woman would contact your child and act this way. Completely weird and totally inappropriate.

Applesnoranges15 Sun 02-Aug-15 21:20:00

I certainly wouldn't want to go to the police but we are forever being told that in the good old days parents used 'tan' the behinds of other people's kids if they were naughty and it was ok to do that. I wasn't sure whether I was overreacting in being so upset about it. It would seem there are mixed views on whether it's OK or not.
I'm not into confrontation and I suppose I come across as a wimp but this the first time anything like this has happened to us.

My husband and I work full time and dont live near the school and we don't often have the luxury of being able to pick our children up from school so I don't know a lot of the mums at school. This woman literally knows everyone and we are essentially outsiders.

My dd gets on with everyone and while she has had disagreements and fallouts in the past as all children do, I

From what i can tell, I now need to comfort my child and get her to see things in a more realistic light. At the same time not let her off the hook for upsetting this other girl. I also need to smooth things over with a woman who shouted at my child in the street and sent my child a horrible txt message.

Applesnoranges15 Sun 02-Aug-15 21:26:12

Oops there's a bit missing in that last post. Basically, I was saying that I've not experienced that sort of agression before. My daughter is now convinced this woman and her child are going to take her friends from her and come and get her. I know it's an overreaction but she's a hormonal 11 year old who deep down inside is still a young child.

Applesnoranges15 Sun 02-Aug-15 21:29:35

Anyway, thanks for all your opinions I'll try to speak to her tomorrow and hope she's calmed down a bit.

Heartofgold25 Mon 03-Aug-15 19:11:21

Some of the posts haven't been too helpful on here. Basically your question is whether you think it is reasonable for another parent to behave this way? No it is not.

Neither of you should live in fear of this parent. It is completely unacceptable to contact your dd with nasty messages. The cancellation of the other playdate may just be a coincidence and you are reading into it because of the timing.

If other parents want to be childish, let them. It is important to give your dd confidence and for her to understand it is the failing of the girl's mother and not her. Girls argue and fall out, it is normal. We, as mothers, should be quietly guiding and not prodding and pushing and getting overly involved. The fact she is so into everything at school indicates an over involved pushy parent.

Time for distance, be civil and try to encourage your dd to hang out with the friends who are not involved.

I would be an expecting an apology as a minimum from the other parent, if one is forthcoming be graceful and accept it. If one is not, be sure to act like you are expecting one, be the bigger person and thank the good lord you are not doing the school run.

Heartofgold25 Mon 03-Aug-15 19:22:03

PS Earlybirds comments are brilliant ~ what great advice. If you can't bring yourself to speak to her directly at this stage, then try calling her from a landline. I agree you do sound as if you are being truly bullied as a parent, and that is completely unacceptable.
Perhaps some comments about police involvement rolling around the playground would be perhaps encourage a better response from her, she may very well change her attitude when faced with the prospect of serious damage to her reputation which is clearly important to her. Even if you have no intention of doing it. The very prospect of the shame of her being involved in such a thing is surely going to make her come to the negotiating
table and broker a peace deal.
Unless you dd was phyiscally abusive towards her child (and even then it is a stretch) there is no reason on earth why any parent should be touching another child, threatening or intimidating her, end of. This woman's behaviour is completely out of order, do not be fearful, she has much more to lose than you do.

Madlizzy Mon 03-Aug-15 19:28:45

This parent has been completely unreasonable and should not put her hands on your daughter, nor send her nasty text messages. She's not 11 years old and should know bloody better. I would actually state to her that if she approaches your daughter again, then there will be police involvement. Speak to the school, when the new term starts so they are aware of the differences between the girls.

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