Constant Clashes

(13 Posts)
proudmummy2004 Wed 22-Jul-15 15:40:53

Hi I am new here, hello smile

At the moment, I seem to be constantly clashing with my 11yr old DD and it is upsetting me. No matter what I say or do it is wrong. If I ask a simple question I get barked at and my head bitten off. She takes everything the wrong way, doesn't listen properly, twists what I say into something completely different so I end up annoyed and is generally over sensitive about everything. I really feel we have lost our connection at the moment.

Please tell me it is just hormones and normal for this age! I just find it very stressful and am bored of telling her off for her attitude because despite apologising and promising to work on it, she clearly doesn't! Punishing her doesn't seem to work, it never has with my daughter.

I love her dearly but at the moment grrrrrr !

teaandcake2016 Wed 22-Jul-15 21:01:55

Hi proundmummy - don't really have any advice, but I was a bit similar at your DDs age - I have no idea why (I'm assuming hormones!) but I do remember hating feeling like that, and I just kept working myself up into a state over something small - it felt like I had no control over being angry/upset!

If it's any consolation - I was an angel at school and for my friends parents- and for everyone else in my family. I took it out on my mum because she was the person I was closest too!

I'm not suggesting you reward her behaviour at all - but could you have a nice day out, like shopping and lunch (if she is into that kind of thing)- just so you have some quality time together, to cheer you up too?

wine biscuit

hillyhilly Wed 22-Jul-15 22:58:59

My 10.5 yr old is behaving in exactly the same way, she is mostly disdainful, scornful and snappy but is also rather needy, attention seeking, affectionate.
I'm trying just to ride it out an not get drawn into arguments but I find it extremely hard.

Heartofgold25 Wed 22-Jul-15 22:59:01

Hormones, it is a nightmare. We are all feeling the same on here. One thing that worked so well for me was something called 'love bombing' look it up. The title made me cringe, but I tried it, and it worked!! Completely focus on them for a day or two and she was completely back to herself. I try to do it as often as time allows. Also having time just for you and no friends for a while improved things no end.
Love her through her traumas and hormones, learn to distance emotionally and do not take any of it personally, she does not mean to be this way, I think they have huge pressures at this age, and all the way through I fear, and actually most of the time a big hug and a kind word can dismantle a great deal of the armour they seem to carry. Hug it out!!! Take the anger with a pinch of sort, and rest assured we are all dealing with something similar with our 'angels' at home!! smile

proudmummy2004 Thu 23-Jul-15 11:29:06

Hi Teacake, thanks for your reply. My email did not notify me of a response otherwise I would have done so sooner

Because she is like this, it makes me not want to treat her or have a mum/daughter day out or time. I have booked a London trip for next week but as I told her, I am currently not looking forward to it because I don't want to waste time and money arguing. Every time we go out for day, beforehand getting ready, there is always a row that she causes. She cannot just get ready normally. She has to fuss over clothes, how they feel, gets frustrated if something doesn't feel right etc and invariably, the day starts off with an argument. I have told her after a few years it would be nice just to get out the door. I know she does a lot for attention/reaction and I just simply find it so hard to bite my tongue!

I do feel a bit distant because she is not into boys, makeup or girly clothes really. But at same time I am glad she is not if that makes sense. I worry that she is setting herself apart and will be left on own at secondary because she is not into these things, even though she seems pretty happy with herself in that she isn't bothered that her friends like makeup and clothes. Perhaps it is more my issue than hers?? I suppose I automatically assume she should be interested in these things which might give us something to bond over but because she isn't, I don't know what to do! She is very artistic and creative, all she does at home is draw, colour, make things out of anything and do arts/crafts. No idea where she gets it from because I am not artistic or creative in anyway lol

She is having a few body issues at the moment too. I would not mind but she is as slim as you like - just had a bit of a belly which I had at that age, which went when I went to secondary. She won't hear that it is "puppy fat". She is the same size as most of her friends but says she feels fat and ugly beside them.She is very stubborn and argumentative, and just won't hear what you say. She has a habit of twisting everything you say into something completely different or taking something the wrong way. A few years back this pattern of behaviour was so bad I was on the floor crying in the corner because I could not cope. I nearly took her to a psychiatrist because I thought this can't be normal. It was driving us as her parents to distress and causing it with the grandparents too. She thankfully grew out of it near the end of last year but since Easter it has come back again. It gets me very depressed and down, and it is like she simply does not care. I do feel at breaking point if I am honest. Her Dad and grandparents have all talked to her but to no avail, it carries on.

She is choosing not to spend time with me these days - she plays out, or goes out with her friends or is in her room. I know she is older now so she wants to spend less time with me but then she twists it and says I am obviously not wanting to spend time with her! It is clearly just to get a reaction because she knows that is not true. She also has a tendency to play up in front her Dad when I drop her off and she goes into high whiny squeaky mode like a baby. I just don't know how many times I can keep either telling her off, punishing her or ignoring. Feel at end of tether.

On the whole she is generally a good girl - she has never been badly behaved, always polite when asking about something, says her pleases and thank yous etc - I just cannot cope with the rudeness when I ask something or suggest something.

Sorry for long post - it has been nice to let it out on a forum tbh as feel I am boring my friends a bit sad x

proudmummy2004 Thu 23-Jul-15 11:30:01

Hi Hilly, yes same here. Gosh it is sooo hard not to react isn't it? Especially if you tired or not had the best of days! I grit my teeth and walk away but sometimes you just go and that is it, you don't stop then they have won lol

proudmummy2004 Thu 23-Jul-15 11:37:48

Thanks HeartofGold I know you are right but some days it just feels like she is a stranger. She has always been quite a difficult child, from birth as she was always very independent and knew what she wanted. She was not overly affectionate, she isn't really now although she will give you a cuddle or hug but always on her terms. Sometimes if I go to hug her she pulls away but 5 mins later she will moan and say she wants a hug! Even during dark times and me shouting at her repeatedly, I always tell her I love her. We say it all the time but as I said to her, actions speak louder than words.

She can tell me that she loves me and will try to be better but she needs to show me as words mean nothing! She does go opposite way and be needy, affectionate and loving but not very often. She was a very good girl at school, always helpful polite and willing to learn and join in. She was at a different primary school for Yr5 and Yr6 and it changed her for the better which was the best thing I could have done. At her old school, they said she was disruptive but it was because she was struggling, they were not helping her, she was academically lower but was getting no help yet they expected her to keep up with everyone else. She just shut down in class eventually so she was bored so she just kept talking. Funny how none of that came about when she moved schools!

I know pre teen is a funny time for them - I don't remember being like this at her age but kids are a lot more grown up these days. She has always been more grown up in some ways but at same time, she can still be childish which occasionally can be annoying! I think sometimes I have more issues about her than she does, which makes me feel like a crap parent :/

If we spend a lot of time together we clash even more. She sees her Dad regularly and she stays at my parents once a week; so she gets a break from me too being miserable as she says, not really realising sometimes she makes me miserable!! I guess kids don't see it that way.

I dread the summer hols because I don't want to spend the whole time stressed and telling her off. Gosh this parenting lark is blinking hard work ay x

ATeacherWritesHome Thu 23-Jul-15 17:21:00

Both my DS were like this at the same age, it's horrible, but I think completely normal. I wonder sometimes how awful it must feel for them being trapped inside a storm of emotions that seem to come from nowhere. Must be quite frightening.
Love bombing sounds brilliant. Tried a version of this on my DS with fantastic effects. I get the point that it feels like rewarding the bad behaviour, but it might help if you see the bad behaviour more as a cry for help than her trying to hurt you (which she isn't - kids don't have the ability to mentalise in that way). So really you're just answering her cry for help.
Having said that, you need to get a break from it if it's driving you to distraction, because there only is so much that one human can stand!
Don't exactly have this solved with my DS, as it doesn't really go away till the hormone storm passes, but I guess there are things that make it easier to bear.

proudmummy2004 Thu 23-Jul-15 20:22:56

Thanks ATeacherWrites.

I will try the lovebombing although to be fair she does actually get a lot of time and stuff from me already (not that she always wants it when offered), even when she's a cow! I think that is why she sometimes continues, because she knows she will still have me there doing stuff with her the cheeky mare despite of how bad her attitude is!

Kid eh tsk x

JustDanceAddict Fri 24-Jul-15 13:47:50

Pretty normal! My DD was worse at 10/11 than she has been at 12/13. I am sure it is puberty-related. Their brain goes a bit haywire (like a toddler's) and they can't control themselves as well. I have also learnt to walk away when she starts going off on one otherwise it ends up in a big row (usually I am 'so annoying' and 'the worst mum in the world' who 'doesn't know anything', and when it's over give her cuddles, plus lots of attention otherwise (like love bombing, but I hate these twee phrases). It seems to work, although I am no paragon of parenthood, things are much calmer now than they were. Good luck!!

princesspink7404 Fri 24-Jul-15 13:56:50

Hello again JustDance smile

Definitely sounds familiar grin I'm going with the 'walk away' option at the moment !! X

JustDanceAddict Fri 24-Jul-15 14:00:01

To add to your later comment re boys, etc. My 13 year old isn't into boys (yet), but in the last year she has got a lot more into girly (although still hates pink) clothes and make-up so it does change, and will talk about who fancies who to her friends. She is also very artistic and does exactly what your DD does - spends ages drawing, making stuff, etc. in her room and she is happy to do that when she's around. She doesn't really sit with us in the evenings apart from for dinner, or she will play with her brother if she can be bothered!!

proudmummy2004 Fri 24-Jul-15 18:08:47

Ah that is cool JustDance, yes our DDs do sound similar smile After initially feeling pretty crap after posting and some of the responses, I am feeling a lot better today.

Have spoken to DD about the hair removal and she is looking forward to shopping next week. I said if there was anything else grown up she wanted then I am happy for her to have it (well within reason lol). I won't broach the underwear topic unless she does.

She went into our town for the first time with her BFF and 2 new friends they are going secondary with in September, so she had some nice independence and chill out time.

My DD says she wants to sit with me in evening but usually does something else whilst she is with me lol x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now