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Don't like DDs behaviour towards friends

(6 Posts)
BearsAndAngels Wed 22-Jul-15 07:11:15

I was snooping as I occasionally do on DDs Instagram / email and I was really saddened by her behaviour towards two of her friends.

If wasn't bullying but both started cheery conversations with her and she dragged up some dispute that happened a few weeks ago and accused them both of saying spiteful things. The conversations were full of accusations which as far as I could see had no foundation and spiralled downhill leading her to block both.

Neither friend said anything spiteful to her during the conversations but just told her they were hurt by the accusations.

I'm just really disappointed as these were her friends for ages, now they are changing schools so probably won't get a chance to patch it up, but moreover disappointed that DD could turn these two friends away in the way she did.

I'm stuck as to what to do. I shouldn't have been looking at her messages so I don't want to confront her directly, but I don't want her to carry on in this destructive manner. Any suggestions?

TheMoa Wed 22-Jul-15 07:15:49

How old is she?

If under 13/14, I'd have no problem with letting her know that checking messages was part of the deal in being allowed an account/email etc.

If over 14, I'd leave them to it. She may be finding the transition and parting of ways hard, and is acting out and distancing herself from friends to make it easier on herself.

She'll come round when things are on a more even keel, and less 'unknown' I guess.

defineme Wed 22-Jul-15 07:26:43

I am trying to get my 10 yr old dd to be more empathetic with her friends. I am lucky, in a way, that she gives me blow by blow accounts of their arguments and then i ask her why she thinks they said that and why they might be behaving in that way.
there are books on amazon about girl friendship she might like.
Do you think it might be a self esteem issue with your dd-there are books on thst too.
I think looking at a preteens social media is entirely appropriate - she's far too young to be given free reign.

Heartofgold25 Wed 22-Jul-15 22:47:08

I think your dd might be getting in there first so to speak, walking away before they leave her. It sounds a perfect example of a child trying to deal with separation...
Checking all accounts is a responsible thing to do as a parent when they are still essentially children, although maybe this isn't t he moment to tell her that you have been checking, if you are hoping for a heart to heart with her about what happened, it could possibly end in upset before you have even started. Perhaps you could forewarn her that you will now be checking her accounts in the future, as all parents do, and you have forgotten of late ~ is there anything she would like to discuss before you do...that sort of thing. Hopefully she will open up and talk to you, giving you the perfect the chance to talk through why she feels that way.

Could also possibly talk to your dd about inviting those particular friends over and see if that starts the conversation. Either way talking through her fears of her friends leaving, and ways for her to deal with it is very important, particularly if they are leaving together and she is not, she may feel very left out....

Heartofgold25 Wed 22-Jul-15 22:49:29

Actually rereading your message, if your dd is also leaving this is doubly difficult as she may also be worried about the future. Either way it sounds like she needs your full support. Transition is so difficult and everyone deals with it differently.

BearsAndAngels Fri 24-Jul-15 15:13:27

Thank you all for your really helpful comments - I hadn't linked it to her separating from her friends, but it sounds like that is exactly what is going on.

I agree about checking phones etc. She is aware that I sometimes have a look. I know she is savvy enough to delete most stuff she does not want me to see. I think we have a reasonably good relationship and I don't want her withdraw from me thinking that I'm judging' her by what I have seen on her phone.

I guess as this is a bigger issue, it is probably better to encourage her to talk about that rather than this specific issue.

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