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Deb1505 Sun 05-Jul-15 22:08:54

Hi. My daughter is 12 and on Instagram. She has been posting inappropriate photos of herself and even though we have punished her and told her of the dangers etc she keeps going behind our backs. We have now deleted her account but this will also stop her socialising with her friends. Does anybody have any advice. It's making our lives a misery.

Handywoman Sun 05-Jul-15 22:28:40

Oh how awful.

But she'll just have to accept the consequences of this, surely?

Won't do her any harm to have her socialising curtailed because of her behaviour, in fact it will make the punishment more effective.

Just done another check of my dd's phone, dodgy Instagram picture are appearing again (from elsewhere) despite the chat we had last week. I might be deleting her account very soon, too.

Nightmare.

LastingLight Mon 06-Jul-15 18:32:05

DD(13) wanted an instagram account and we said no, some IRL behaviour showed us that she is not ready for social media yet. She tried the whole "but all my friends are on it" routine, I consulted another mum, this is simply not true.

Bluebellqueen Mon 06-Jul-15 18:44:13

My DD is 13 (year 8) and has an Instagram account that she started at the beginning of year 7. All her friends are on it too. The deal was that I also have an account so I can follow her and see what she's up to. DD and DD's friends only post a few pictures of drawings they've done, their cats etc etc so I generally trust her with it. My advice is to get yourself an account so you can see all her photos and all the comments she's writing.

shebird Mon 06-Jul-15 21:02:27

OP this sounds like a nightmare. My DD is the only one of her friends not to have Instagram and I guess I will give in at some point but things like this make me dig my heels in. I feel that texting and FaceTime is sufficient contact for DD and her friends. Even with set cut off times for phone use, I feel this constant contact with everyone is very intrusive and allows DD little break or escape from peer pressure. I know Instagram is fun but it's yet another thing for them to keep up with and foe parents to monitor.

Layde Mon 06-Jul-15 21:36:14

When my DD first got instagram, the condition was that I had it installed into my phone. That way, she knew everything she did could be checked at any moment, and all the DMs would pop on my phone. If I saw anything untoward, I would just go and have a look. We spent a lot of time talking about how to phrase things, what I thought was and was not acceptable for her to do etc. Now, she has been on there over a year, and for the past few months I have taken it off my phone as she has proved herself reliable. However, now she keeps logging in to it, so she can check her DMs. Its very annoying! However, my DD is younger than yours (she's only year 6 now) so perhaps a little more pliable?

Heartofgold25 Thu 09-Jul-15 08:28:22

Deb how awful ~ I can imagine how upset you must be. I think you did absolutely the right thing deleting the account. It has become really hard keeping our children safe online. Instagram is a complete nightmare, lots of our friends are having serious problems with it too, similar to what you have described or having men approaching them via a friend of a friend of a friend.

We don't allow it at home either, due to their awful experiences mainly. Some of my dd friends are still on there, but we have put our foot down at home, they are simply not old enough yet to fully understand what they are doing.

My dd messages her friends via a secure email account on her ipod ~ possibly that could work for you? It is a safe(ish) connection, we have a deal that we do spot checks (In reality we read every message) and it seems to be working at the moment.

cariadlet Mon 13-Jul-15 23:38:51

One tactic I've heard of (an internet safety advisor who came to the primary school where I teach said that he had used this when talking to some secondary school girls) would be to ask your daughter to think of some boys at school that she would really really hate to see the inappropriate photos that she's uploaded.

Then explain that if somebody else had printed off one of the photos, photocopied them and stuck them up all over the school corridors then those boys might see them - but at least she'd be able to run around school taking them down. She'd still have a bit of control.

If she's uploaded photographs into cyberspace then she has absolutely no control. She can delete them from her account, but she can't delete them from the internet (apparently even older children, who act all tech-savvy, don't always really understand this). She can't control who shares the photos and once they've been shared they could end up anywhere.

I think you're right to punish her, but you also need to try and find a way to make her really understand the consequences of what she is doing.

btw I really feel for you. My dd is 12 and I agonised for ages before letting her have Instagram. This is just the kind of thing that I worry myself sick over.

TheRachel Sun 19-Jul-15 08:53:00

My dd is 11 (nearly 12) and got her first phone on Friday. I have said no to Instagram as she is too young for social media I feel. I have been looking at parental monitoring apps like 'my mobile watchdog' - does anyone use anything like that?

proudmummy2004 Thu 23-Jul-15 20:54:02

How awful for you (hugs).

My DD has had Instagram since she was 10. Her account is private and I have my own one too and of course I follow her. I set it up, know her password and always double check who she allows to follow her (they have to ask before being accepted). Anything I am not happy with I delete or if if she doesn't know them (not matter what she says), I don't accept them.

I have seen some questionable things on some other children's Instagram, although to be fair it is more quotes than inappropriate pictures. That said one of her classmates occasionally posts pics of him chest upwards and I don't think this is acceptable for an 11 yr old boy; thankfully my DD just laughs and says well it is obvious his mum isn't checking his account. She is more interested in arts and crafts, searching for nail art accounts and Minions than posting selfies. She does not post that many pics of herself like her friends but I am lucky in that she knows all the dangers and is always careful. I am well aware it might not always be that way and at some point I know she won't want me to have access. I like to think that she will always be happy for me to see her social media accounts but who knows in a few years? Our children can start off sensible then go down the secretive route!

There was a child in a school that was in Year 4 and because her mother is, how shall I say, a tad flighty with the young me and had many boyfriends and was always posing saucy selfies, this girl thought I think it was normal. I have no idea if her mum knew or cared but I know other parents removed her from their child's social media. It was quite sad really as I think this girl just was copying her Mum and thinking it was okay. Quite sad really. Such a young age to be doing that.

I think you did the right thing removing it. I also agree with cariadlet about saying she would have no control over pics that could get plastered everywhere and embarrass her. That is a good start on telling her the reasons why it isn't right.

As a teenager that would prove utmost embarrassment and distress so perhaps this is the way to dissuade her. She could have just been testing the waters especially if her friends are doing same. It is disturbing to think our children at some point will be posting the kind of pics we would usually reserve for the over 18s.

I hope you can get this sorted x

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