Dd and friendship problems

[Dancergirl]

I have posted before about dd and friends but the situation is no better and wondering if anyone can give some advice how to deal with things.

She is 12, Year 7 at an all girls school. She is very good friends with 'A' in her class who is a very nice popular girl and the friendship seems to be mutual. A is also good friends with 'B' who seems to be not so nice. A and B are together in class a lot so dd feels a bit pushed out. Whenever they have to get into pairs or groups, B always makes a beeline for A. Dd tells me that sometimes B pre-arranges with A before the lesson to go together if that lesson requires it. It all sounds a bit childish to me.

On one occasion, A said to save a seat for dd who was running late and B was overheard to have said 'don't bother'.

B also seems to put down dd with hurtful, snippy comments. Dd choreographed a group dance for a music project recently, B said it was very basic and implied anyone could have done it. When dd was in a quiz recently, B said that anyone could have answered the questions. She just doesn't have anything nice to say about dd and dd said she feels she puts her down and makes her feel bad about herself.

I have encouraged dd to make friends with the other girls in the class which she tries to do but they all seem to be in groups and dd thinks they're not bothered about her.

This has been going on for much of the year and it's now coming to the end of Year 7 and dd still feels unhappy. She would love to spend more time with A at school but it's very difficult if A and B are joined at the hip. Dd and A do sometimes manage to get together out of school but it's the day to day school stuff that's really the issue.

Has anyone got any ideas?

[holeinmyheart]

This happens with girls more than boys. I had this situation on and off with my girls.

However looking back I was off loaded on and was left feeling anxious and they certainly suffered less than me.
I don't think you can do anything about it except listen and support them positively.
If you moved her from this school, she could be faced with the same situation again.

They are going to be faced all their lives with conflict. Next year someone could come into the class and be really friendly with your DD and put 'A' s nose out of joint. She could then be complaining about 'A' being clingy.( I have had that)

You just have to step away and try not to get too involved. Awful as it, unfortunately you can't protect them from the pain of living.

you could try going into school and having a word with her FT, she couldn't do a great deal except take 'B' aside and have a talk about saying 'mean things' as it is bullying.

Sorry, as I wish I had an easy answer as my DCs have sometimes been excluded and sometimes been the excluder.
Life is tough.

[Heartofgold25]

I don't think this is something you should involve yourself in any way ~ In my experience you will only make things worse.
Listen to your dd, be caring, help your dd develop resilience but ultimately you can not pilot your dd friendships. It is part of life to learn how to deal with these situations. Groups of three in friendship circles have never worked, and never will, there will always be one on the outside. To even things out dd could invite another girl to make a group of four which would help, and that would balance things somewhat. In the end this is a power struggle over friend A between your dd and friend B, it would be inappropriate for you to be involved, they have to work it out. I would not say there was bullying just average girl stuff ~ be prepared to distance yourself a little and cultivate lots of friendships for dd outside of school to protect your dd self confidence and a larger circle of friends should always be encouraged and 'best' friends discouraged at all times. In the end your dd will find a more comfortable situation and this will have taught her many things about human dynamics. I have dealt with this many times over the years, it will blow over, and they will be fine.

[Dancergirl]

Thank you, very good advice, I definitely agree it's good not to get too involved. And tbh, sometimes dd does just want to get it off her chest so being a good listener without giving specific answers is good.

I don't think she'd want to in a 3 with these girls anyway because of the mean things B has said.

I just feel for dd because she wasn't very happy at primary school and thought she would have an instant set of good friends at secondary. I know she thinks that everyone else is settled in a group and doesn't have any problems, but I know that's not the case and have seen friendship ups and downs with my older dd too.

It's a learning experience I suppose.