Talk

Flip

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Preteens

Is there something wrong with my son?

7 replies

ButtercupDreams · 10/03/2015 23:11

DH got called into the school office this morning to talk about DS3. He's only 8 and the school have accused him of bullying. He and his friends have been laughing at a boy who spilt a drink on himself, saying he'd wet himself. It started as a joke but has continued for nearly a week and they've been calling him all sorts of names. Clearly DH and I have spoken to him and revoked all privileges, he can't go on the Xbox, use the iPad, watch TV etc. He's always been a bit of a troublemaker, but we never expected anything like that. The school have suggested moving him up a year in the past as they think he plays up because he's quite smart. I doubt they're going to suggest that again though now.
Is he normal? It worries me a bit bullying at that age. Makes me concerned about how he's going to turn out. Also, does anyone have any more advice on how we can deal with this? DH and I have another meeting at the school tomorrow to discuss it. I suspect he may well be excluded which is worrying me because both DH and I work full time.

OP posts:

Report

TeenAndTween · 11/03/2015 11:38

DON'T PANIC

Is this the first and only incident?
It would seem to be a massive massive over reaction to exclude so I doubt they'd do that.
It is likely to be thoughtlessness rather than malicious.

Most importantly talk to your son on how the other boy must have been feeling, how he himself would feel if he were on the receiving end. About empathy.

Then talk to him about how he's going to put things right.
At minimum he should write a hand written sorry note to the boy and apologise to him in person.
The other boy may choose not to forgive him, that is his right. Your son must understand that, and if that occurs not then retaliate or be mean.

On the other issue re playing up. The school should be stretching him. Now may not be the time to make demands, but if you think his work is too easy that also needs to be addressed. there should always be extension work available.

8 year old boys make mistakes. There is nothing 'wrong' with him that I can see. But this is a learning opportunity for him to think about others more. (Unless there is more to the 'bit of a troublemaker' than I am thinking).

Report

ButtercupDreams · 12/03/2015 22:47

Thank you very much for your reply, I really appreciate it.
Yes, it is the first instance of anything like this before. DH has spoken to him about it for the last couple of evenings as he was bullied himself and spoke about how hurtful it could be. He told DH he didn't realise that, just thought it would be funny. He's been told absolutely no screens for the rest of the month and no trips out with friends to the cinema etc which is appropriate because he's desperate to see Home.
I had my meeting at the school yesterday morning. As you suggested, they have requested he write an apology note to this boy. They have also suggested that we consider moving his class (moving him into the other group in his year) and maybe taking one friend and leaving the other two in the other group.
Does anyone have any advice on moving groups? Would this work? Benefits/drawbacks?
Thank you again for your response!

OP posts:

Report

TeenAndTween · 13/03/2015 10:39

buttercup I know bullying is serious, but it really sounds to me as if it was thoughtlessness not malicious. I feel as if banning screens and trips out with friends for the rest of the month is very harsh under the circumstances. To me that would be more appropriate for a 12 year old repeat-offender. Maybe one week, but not nearly 3.

Regarding moving groups, I get the feeling the school wants to do this to split up a group of friends that are a bit of a bad influence on each other? If this is the reason (and not punishment) then it sounds like a good idea maybe. Perhaps they also have some kids in the other class they want to move too so a little shuffle at the end of term may work.
No experience myself as my DD2 is at a single form entry school so I've never seen it done.
You and the school would need to be on the same page as to explaining to people why your son has been moved. You don't want him to move to the other class with parents labelling him as naughty purely because he's moved.

Report

ImperialBlether · 13/03/2015 10:42

It's not thoughtlessness if he carried on calling the boy names for a week!

OP, I think you and your husband are dealing with it well. Moving class is a big deal and hopefully he'll realise it's the result of his own actions.

Report

TeenAndTween · 13/03/2015 13:06

Imperial I do think it can be thoughtlessness.
He thought he was just having a laugh, he didn't realise he was going too far, going on too long. He's only 8. (Especially if the other boy internalised his upset rather than saying 'stop you're upsetting me'.)

If the OP thinks it was intentional and malicious it requires firmer consequences than if she thinks it was a child's misjudgement.

Report

Whereisegg · 13/03/2015 15:12

Oddly my ds8 came out of school a couple of weeks ago having spilt drink in his lap.
He was a bit upset as others had been giggling saying he'd wet himself.

I had a little chat saying that it did look as if he had and that if at home he would probably giggle if me or his dad spilt a drink that way (he would).
I wouldn't be thrilled if it had gone on for a week tbf (but ds is very eeyore) but I think you've been a bit heavy handed.
He's been told to stop by you and the school, if he doesn't is the time to bring out the big guns