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Lost again with DD age 11 :-(

(27 Posts)
willowisp Mon 22-Dec-14 18:32:04

My Dd is year 7 at secondary school. She has potential to be a lovely girl & as far as I'm aware, is at school "a pleasure to have in class" etc etc. She is polite, courteous, if a little shy.

At home is Perry from Kevin & Perry. EVERYTHING is too much trouble. She moans, mutters under her breath, winds up her Dsis.
Mealtimes are particularly fractious.
After dinner today she moaned about her pudding -something she was given to make. Announced she's had enough & was about to flounce off when I asked her to fed our dog.
Cue too much huffing & puffing & loudness.

The dishwasher had not been emptied (shock) & as no knifes in drawer, I passed her a fork which was greeted something like this "a forkAFORKIdontwantaforkgivemeaknife".
I said take then fork & cut dog food up with it". So more, ahem, gob from DD so I threw the fork at the floor confused & told her to stop moaning & get on with it. Which she managed perfectly well.

So I'm the lost-control-mother & she's stomped off thinking she's hard done by.

Every days she dominates meal times & the vibe of the house with her fucking behaviour. I'm sick of it.

ClaimedByMe Mon 22-Dec-14 18:36:24

I have taken to ignoring my dd11 most of the time unless she is civil, now she has her periods her psycho mad turns are a bit more regulated and I can use chocolate as bait, most of the time I just smile and nod and hope that this will pass..

caravanista13 Mon 22-Dec-14 18:41:43

You're the adult ffs - it's your responsibility to set her a good example. Poor DD.

amidaiwish Mon 22-Dec-14 18:43:51

so she's about to flounce off and you ask her to feed the dog

i think you're trying to wind her up

throwing the fork at the floor? seriously?

willowisp Mon 22-Dec-14 18:46:53

Claimedbyme, yes we try to do the ignore thing, but she is relentless. I ignore ignore ignore & then sometimes it's a ping & rage. She's like it all day, everyday.

I think I might make her eat in the other room tomorrow as she's been like this for too many days lately.

willowisp Mon 22-Dec-14 18:47:48

Caravanista13 - "you're the adult FFS"
Well that's helpful - are you an adult ?!

willowisp Mon 22-Dec-14 19:09:15

She's 11 - moaned all throughout meal time, decided she's not getting enough attention so gets up & I'm wrong for asking her to feed the dog ? Are you serious ?
She's actually shouting at me for giving her a fork instead of a knife & I'm trying to wind her up ?

Well, I though i might get some support, but clearly, I need to learn some manners. Not only make dinner, lay the table, clear it, feed the dog & reload the dishwashers, I should be kiting myself up in a maids outfit & calling her " her highness", perhaps even sweeping the floor as she walks ?

ClaimedByMe Mon 22-Dec-14 19:15:19

I wouldnt have asked her to feed the dog under them circumstances I would have just told her to go to her room to give everyone a bit of breathing space usually she will appear a while later when she is calmer and we all move on, I have learnt not to hold a grudge with an 11 year old. When she is good she is good but when she is hormonal and in a mood its not worth the effort trying to get her to do anything, as I said above this should pass when her hormones settle down.

JavelinArse Mon 22-Dec-14 19:25:40

I have similar issues with my.eldest son who is a bit younger (10), it's tiring isn't it?

Throwing the fork at the floor wasn't ideal but we all lose it sometimes, anyone who says they haven't is either lying or has not experienced the joys of moody hormonal children!

Have you been having issues with her moods for long? I think it can be easy to get locked into a negative cycle with children, I know I have realised this with my eldest.I sort of psyche myself up to expect negative behaviour and he is cast as the naughty child... He definitely picked up on that and would act accordingly ... It's not easy to take a step back and try and unpick their behaviour, have you tried reading 'how to talk so kids will listen'? I have just ordered it after a few people (on here and irl) recommended it, got to be worth a try eh?!

I think to some extent it's worth trying to ignore the huffy puffiness, pile on the praise when they do things well and especially when they do things without complaining!! I used to feel like I was constantly nagging my eldest, I am now gradually trying to reduce the nagging and focus on praise and positive attention as much as possible. It's not easy though op brew

Letsgoforawalk Mon 22-Dec-14 19:28:36

I can really understand how you feel. My youngest DD has been /can be like this. It is really hard to keep calm under relentless stroppiness.
Things that have helped us:

The advice contained within certain books (how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk is my favourite.. It is like "the original" and a lot of other stuff I've read is explained better and simpler in it)

Reflective listening, descriptive praise and what I can only describe as "cool persistence" by you in not settling for unacceptable behaviour or avoidance of jobs.

A clean slate every day.

Cool off time helps too. i usually state. "Leave the room. Come back when you are ready to apologise/tidy up/ talk to me without shouting"

And lots of love and hugs, lots lots lots.

isitsnowingyet Mon 22-Dec-14 19:29:25

willowisp please don't always expect support on here (ie Mumsnet) as quite often people come on as they are in a bad mood themselves, and like to have a pop at whoever etc.

In answer to the original post though - your DD is pushing the boundaries and she reached a limit and you lost your rag. Real parents do lose their rag which admittedly isn't the best way to go - but it sounded understandable in the circumstances.

I have a 13 year old DSwho has problems following instructions on personal hygiene stuff. I don't shout (now - tried that before - doesn't work) but persist saying the same thing in a calm boring voice until he does what needs to be done.

Best to keep your cool, pick your battles, and be open to communication with the hormonal DD/DS. Try to avoid a negative spiral where you just do telling off and they just do door slamming. It's hard, but they do come through eventually.! I tried to be positive to my DS about something every day - no matter what - but totally understand it's hard work some days

Letsgoforawalk Mon 22-Dec-14 19:29:54

Classic cross post and matching advice to javelin

Besta Mon 22-Dec-14 19:32:30

Sending her to her room to give everyone "breathing space" is counter productive in the long term. She has to learn how to rub along with people, and sending her away when she is in a strop is teaching her that she only has to strop a bit then she will be excused from any household jobs. Been there, still wearing the t shirt!

Feel for you OP! And throwing a fork is probably therapeutic for you. It probably won't be the last fork that ends up on the floor....!

Letsgoforawalk Mon 22-Dec-14 19:38:08

Sending out of room helps me to cool down and avoid fork on floor losing it type tantrums. She doesn't get away with not doing task. Just gets it deferred a bit until the adrenalin is not flowing so hard and fast wink

MmeLindor Mon 22-Dec-14 19:46:01

Gosh, some rather unsupportive posts on here. Have you never had a stroppy child drive you to the edge?

I agree with the advice to have a look at How To Talk So Kids Will Listen - that totally changed my parenting.

One thing that really stuck in my mind was a teacher saying to watch how we talk with the DC. She said to think how we'd feel if we were to e.g. forget to refill the paper in the photocopier at work, and the boss would say, 'OFGS. How many times do I have to ask you to do this, it's always the same with you, you never do what you are told, always this moaning and whinging...'

It made me realise who often I said this kind of thing to the kids, and how it must make them feel. I try not to use 'you always' or 'you never' or 'must you always' now.

willowisp Mon 22-Dec-14 20:24:07

Thank you - I'm feeling better now & so is she, still moaning of course, but less purposeful.

I asked her how cutting up dog food with a fork was for her & she replied terrible, knowing full well it wasn't.

Mealtimes are alway fraught & yes throwing the fork on the floor wasn't the best thing (hence me posting) but I suppose at least I didn't throw it at her.

Dd has a super strong personality & it's very wearing - I literally have to physically wear her out. I would put it down to being tired but she managed a lie in this morning.

I really don't see why she can't feed the dog - why should she suffer & why shouldn't DD not pull her weight ?

Thanks for the book recommendation. I do have it tucked somewhere so will dig it out & have a read.

I feel that DD wants to be top of the pecking order & we appear to have settled into this scenario where she & I are locking horns. I liken her to a naughty pony & I appreciate that spirit but it would be so much more pleasant if she's rein it in ALOT !

Very interesting point about boss shouting OMG you haven't changed the photocopier !

MmeLindor Mon 22-Dec-14 20:29:23

You sound a lot like me and my DD. She's 12 and generally lovely, but she and I do wind each other up sometimes. I catch myself doing the same as my mum used to do, and have to bite my tongue. (or I don't, and DH gives me a shove to remind me!)

It's easy to get into a cycle of nag-whinge-nag-shout-whine-huff, and you have to find a way to break that cycle. I find humour works best, tbh.

Fairenuff Mon 22-Dec-14 20:36:00

Why are mealtimes fraught?

Fanfeckintastic Mon 22-Dec-14 20:36:44

Wow I'll remember not to post here when DD is a preteen! She threw the fork at the floor for feck sake she didn't try to impale her with it!

D0oinMeCleanin Mon 22-Dec-14 20:45:10

Dd1 is 11. She made herself (probably as a ploy to get more pocket money) a star chart. Each star equals 10p to be tacked onto her pocket money. Any chore beyond caring for her own pets (kitten and rats) and keeping her room clean or doing her set chores earns her a star. Any especially nice or caring behaviour earns her a star. She can also lose stars for being a pain in the arse or breaking the house rules, although tbf we've never done this.

It's really made a difference. There are some rules in place regarding the chart. She can't earn any stars for that day until all of her usual chores and homework are done. She can't buy stars from her sister for 5p hmm she doesn't get a star for caring for her own pets or doing her regular chores, she can't get stars for doing dd2's regular chores before dd2 does (for dd1 this is washing their uniform and folding and putting away their washing, for dd2 it is emptying the packed lunch boxes and feeding the dogs) and their room must be cleaned every Sunday before any pocket money is given. Cleaning their room involves taking everything downstairs that is not meant to be downstairs back to where it should be.

We still have fighting about who has to do x, y and z but now it's because they both want to do it. I can usually find something for the other to do to earn a star. The threat of losing a star is enough to knock any sulking on the head.

We generally praise the good and ignore the bad though.

willowisp Mon 22-Dec-14 21:07:21

Not sure why mealtimes fraught. Maybe the end of the day, hungry? DH is with us so a chance for the Dd's to have his attention. He's pretty quiet though.

We've got a star chart, with all their chores, very similar to yours & get answer is that she 'doesn't want the money'. Neither of them have gadgets, iPads or adhoc internet access. Dd1 can have a max of an hr a day on the laptop (no games) but can lose this for 'strikes' for bad behaviour. Or bad attitude.

One dinner time Dd2 & I made a pact to ignore every negative statement dd1 made. That was interesting because she was bursting to provoke a reaction.

Agree it's tough to be criticised all the time but, it feels like there is no pleasing this child. hmm

I will try very hard tomorrow to ignore,reward & praise.

MrsPnut Mon 22-Dec-14 21:15:08

I feel your pain, but remember that teenagers have to go through these phases so we can let them grow up and leave home.

I found this book really good and especially the bits in it about not getting drawn into an argument when you want them to complete a task. I use the broken record technique when I want dd to do something and she is determined to have an argument to try to get out of doing it.

Heyho111 Tue 23-Dec-14 22:06:34

Read the book - get out my life but first take me and Alex to town. It will help you understand her behaviour and deal with it. It's great I promise.

annabanana19 Tue 23-Dec-14 22:51:01

OP you have my sympathy. I have a nearly 13 and 11 yr old. Life is very difficult.very!!!

Tried ignoring. To no avail. Now I take away the tablet and Wii. Also taken the TV a few times. I know that hurts. Really does.

Nearly 11 yr old Is a right temperamental little cow. Shes like a volcano and opinionated.

SeagullsAreLikeThat Wed 24-Dec-14 07:20:24

I recommend the "How to Talk" books constantly and bought for my friend "How to talk so teens will listen". She has just finished it and said even though it's aimed at parents of teens, in her view it's relevant from when they start secondary school so may be worth a look at both books.

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