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DD advice needed

(5 Posts)
PurpleGarnet Sun 14-Dec-14 15:43:53

I really need advice. My DD (10) has always only had one friend right from nursery school. I would classify her as a bit of a loner and has a side to her that can be very opinionated and stubborn and obstinate although not a leader (she hates to be told she is wrong and can be very immovable or inflexible but is also quite insecure and a worry pot at times but on the whole is a wonderfully caring, empathetic child (I know that is a contradiction) although she does gets on with other kids a lot but seems to have put all her eggs in one basket with this little girl, so never takes up other friendships or shows interest in pursuing them.

Unfortunately this friendship has come to an end. My DD is devastated and disappointed that friendship isn't what she thinks it should be.. The friend refuses to talk to her now and wont disclose what her side of the breakup is about. So I cant help her fix herself. All that I have heard is that my DD bosses her around (is that perhaps jealousy or stubbornness??) and that she just wants to play. So I can see that the friend might be frustrated with my DD.

I just dont know how to help her or what to say to her. I also don't want to break her spirit but want to let her know that her attitude could be part of the problem...

I am the kind of mom that believes that there are always two sides to every story and that there are some factors that I might not be aware of creating this minefield of hurt and emotion on both sides (although it would seem the other little girl has moved on and quite happy getting on the tormenting nasty bandwagon with her other friends at this stage and seems adamant to hurt her more)

This little girl, has started being friends with three other girls, who I have been told are always in trouble with the teachers (from other parents). My DD found these girls sticking pins into their fingers, drawing blood to write something on stones (I know I was horrified too). When they saw that she had seen it, was scared she would report them to a teacher and told my DD to get lost and that she isnt wanted in their group. (I also dont know if my DD is only telling me the edited version)

I am worried beyond words and feel so sad for them that such a longstanding friendship is gone. I feel like I am missing something thats right in front of my face and just cant see it. Any advice and help would be appreciated. Has any one experienced anything like this...

bobs123 Sun 14-Dec-14 16:03:14

10 is not a very nice age at school unfortunately for girls. Your DD sounds a bit like mine - some lovely parts to her character but wanting just the one friend and then being bossy and controlling (to do with insecurity I think)

My DD fell out with her best friend who then joined another group and they were then quite nasty to her. It was really hurtful but I don't know with hindsight that she did much to help herself.

I have now had experience of this through primary & secondary school and now uni. I think she tries to be too controlling and becomes moody.

I think being part of a group and not necessarily having just one best friend is far more healthy. How to get that to happen is another matter (...if I could turn back time!). Perhaps speak to the teacher and take advice? She might have suggestions on moving forward. It's impossible to know exactly what goes on in the playground.

hth flowers

mummytime Sun 14-Dec-14 17:28:40

You could read "Queen Bees and Wannabees", and even watch the film "Mean Girls". However your DD really needs to make more friends. Has she had any help with her social skills? Have you discussed this with her teacher? Does she do any activities outside of school?
Do you have any other concerns about her?

Do you have many friends?

This is a tough age, but doesn't improve really until 14+, although the break to secondary can help a lot, and give a chance to make a whole new group of friends.

Itsgoingtoreindeer Sun 14-Dec-14 17:32:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleGarnet Mon 15-Dec-14 10:27:30

I have load of friends but not one "best friend" although I have a set of consistent friends. We have socials at home at least twice a month with at least 3-5 families attending. But it does get to the point, where DD has had enough and will quietly take herself away from all the other kiddies and I will find her alone somewhere in the house. I am a very laid back, non judgmental person so cant understand "bitchiness" and "meanness" or "hatred".

The kids at school do tease her for sticky out ears and she suffers from hypermobile joint syndrome in her legs and ankles - she get teased for having to wear Doc martans and innersoles. I have noticed generally that her year group are quite horrible and competitive many seem quite spoiled, compared to when my other DD was in Year 6.

When DD was smaller she used to do everything to the extreme ie if there was water leaking from a gutter after a rain storm, she would be the one running under it, or if she can climb it - it will be done, if it can be taken apart and put back together - she will figure it out, so I have always had to have eyes everywhere all the time.
She has never, as far as I know, been in trouble for hurting or being mean to other kids. She is very organised. I think other kids dont play with her because she is so serious and takes everything so seriously and gets hurt so easily. Even when kids mess up her room, she gets quite upset that they dont respect her things (unlike us, her room is perfect and she does all her own cleaning) OMG could she have OCD tendencies?

She is a silver medal ice skater but even though she talks and plays with the girls there after the lesson, she never asks to see them outside of the rink, they have no chance while she is in her lesson because she is so focused. We are there 4 times a week.
Even when I offered to host a Christmas do for her whole class at home, she didnt want to know anything about it. On the 5th day she is part of the after school athletics club (that is coming to an end for the year now) and plays guitar and sings in the choir at school. One break a week she works in the school office answering the phones. She loves collecting medals, trophies and certificates. She is in the top group for everything - she is a natural high achiever (has never worked hard at it)

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