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Ds not settled at secondary at all and is getting increasingly upset. Feeling guilty

(9 Posts)
TheOriginalNutcracker Tue 21-Oct-14 13:41:46

I think I mentioned a bit about this briefly on another thread, but it's getting worse and I am at a loss with what to do.

Ds hates school, always has. Nursery was fine, reception was fine but then after that he hated it. All through primary he really struggled socially and academically, although school really played it down (they were crap). He was on an iep at my insistence but they rarely stuck to it.

He saw camhs at around age 9 and they said he had low self esteem and anger issues, but not much else. They said he was def not on the autistic spectrum, but had oppositional defiance disorder confused

Because of all of this I chose not to send him to the local secondary school. Both of his sisters go there, and while it gets good results, I think it applies too much pressure, and ds wouldn't cope with that.
I chose a school about a mile away, that has equally good results, but more of a family feel. I spoke to people who's kids were similar to ds and they had sent their kids there and they loved it.

So, it's now Oct and he hates it. He hasn't really made any friends and is getting picked on. Now when I say picked on, I pretty much mean playground banter, but ds doesn't understand playground banter and takes every comment to heart.
If someone is nice to him once, he thinks they are best buddies and if the person isn't so nice the next day he gets very upset and angry.

He's just been away on a residential trip for the weekend, and the school put some pics on Twitter, Ds was only in two, and on both he is sat on the outside of a group, looking miserable. He said he enjoyed the activities but hated the rest.

This morning he left for school in tears, and then once there he rang me sobbing that he can't do it anymore, he has no friends, hates the school and hates the work. I managed to get him to go in and speak to student support, who said they would speak to his form tutor but thats it.

I've tried over and over to explain banter to him, and suggest that he ignores it as they are only doing it because he gives them such a reaction, but he really doesn't understand.
Academically wise from what I can gather he has been placed in bottom sets. I'm fine with that, as i'd rather him not be placed too high and struggle even more, and tbh he is at bottom level. Homework is an issue, as it always has been and if I dont supervise very closely he produces stuff that you'd think a 6yr old had done.

I feel really guilty and i'm questioning my choice of school, but realistically I think he'd be the same at any school.

What do i do ??

Apologies for the long post.

TeenAndTween Tue 21-Oct-14 19:49:28

I've not been in your shoes, but my DD's do have their own problems. I thought any reply might help.

From what you have said there is no reason to think he'll be any better at any other run-of-the-mill school.

I would request an urgent meeting with one/all of head of year, tutor, pastoral care. Tell them what you've said here. You run the risk of having a school refuser which no one wants to happen.

Discuss some specific actions that could help
- social stories / emotional intelligence support
- somewhere to go at lunch /break
- stuff to help self esteem
- anything else

Be pushy!

Iggly Tue 21-Oct-14 19:53:32

What if it is not banter but low level bullying? If he doesn't like it then that's enough quite frankly and it should be dealt with, not told to just live with it.

Timetoask Tue 21-Oct-14 20:00:50

What was done about the self esteem issues and anger that CAHMS identified?

TheOriginalNutcracker Tue 21-Oct-14 21:35:50

Camhs did nothing about the self esteem and anger issues, they discharged him. I enrolled him in a drama group which he did for roughly 2 years, and it did help for a while, and his primary school gave him a couple of friendship type session things.
His primary school often started something and then stopped it.

I have spoken to his current school twice and to be fair they did speak to the boys involved right away, and since then i think it is just that they are calling him a different version of his name and he doesn't like it. As far as I can tell there is not other bullying going on. He said people just think he is weird. He hates sport, not interested in girls, fashion, minecraft etc.

He is seeing a community paed on Friday to discuss the possibility of Dyspraxia, and I am hoping that after this I might be able to go into school armed with a bit more info and maybe get him some extra help. They have already identified that he needs extra help in maths and so he is having extra sessions per week.

I will ring school tomorrow and see if I can go in and make a plan with them for after half term.

Pitofdespair Thu 23-Oct-14 08:29:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pitofdespair Thu 23-Oct-14 08:30:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOriginalNutcracker Sun 26-Oct-14 11:58:14

Update : Ds saw the community paed and they have said they think he has a learning delay. They are writing to school to get more information from them, and he is also being referred to an OT for a full Dyspraxia assessment.

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 01-Nov-14 16:54:35

Go to our GP and push hard a single CAHMS assessment would not be something I would rely upon. Both they and a paeds say my nephew's similar problems were down to parenting. After the care commission reviewed his case he was seen at the Maudsley and he is high functioning autism. CAHMS and paeds originally said because he could articulate his feelings there was no way he could be on the spectrum.

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