Please help with sanctions for hitting

[Dancergirl]

I have 3 dds aged 13, 11 and 7. Youngest has a bit of a temper and will lash out and hit or kick her older sisters if she hears something she doesn't like. They do tend to wind her up a bit, but probably just normal sibling stuff, but I really feel that by age 7 she should be in better control of her temper and I want a zero tolerance to any physical violence.

I'm feeling a bit of a crap parent at the moment because even though dh and I tell her off each time she does it, it seems to be a bit ineffectual and we want to put a firm boundary in place, i.e. NO hitting ever.

Dh and I think a one day ban of any screen based activity should be put in place for any physical violence (which applies to the older two as well if it should occur). Do you think this sounds ok? I'm a bit rubbish at deciding on sanctions as older two were generally very well behaved when they were younger and we didn't have to put anything in place. Dd3 however is much more challenging.

What about nasty comments? Sanctions for those (with a warning) or just a telling off?

[Smartiepants79]

I think that it sounds like a fair punishment to me.
I think that you do need to clamp down on the verbal stuff as well. There's a big difference between a 13 yr old and a 7 yr old. The older ones need to learn to know when to stop. There should be a zero tolerance on that also.
I would have a set of rules that cover all these things. Hitting, verbal winding up etc and set out specific consequences for them.
I also think that your daughter maybe needs some help to find better ways of expressing and getting rid of frustration and anger. Her older sisters clearly know how to press her buttons. Time out, safe space etc to help her find calming strategies. I've seen those pop up tent things used for this. She can go there when her anger starts to get the better of her and that space is sacrosanct. Any siblings bothering her there suffer similar consequences to the hitting.

[Dancergirl]

Thank you. My 13 year old dd has always been a very sweet girl but lately she has been coming out with some nasty comments which I don't like at all. And I totally agree that there is a big difference between ages.

So verbal stuff....the same consequence, no screen time? Or something else?

[Smartiepants79]

Maybe a shorter screen ban.
I do think it depends a little on circumstance.
If the older ones have knowingly pushed the youngest into losing her temper then they wouldn't get much sympathy from me and probably the same consequences.
Does the hitting happen at school as well or just with her siblings?

[Dancergirl]

No, not at school, only with her siblings. I know it's hard for dd3 as the youngest of 3 girls and she feels she has to fight her corner but I must put a stop to the hitting. When she's calm she actually tells me she knows she's got a temper and she finds it hard to control. She KNOWS hitting is wrong but can't help herself. And she feels left out because older dds are very close.

[Smartiepants79]

All I'll say is if its not happening anywhere else then the trigger appears to be her sisters. They need to take some responsibility for this as well. They need to remember how little she is and to recognise when to back off.
It's great that she knows she struggles as that means she'll be receptive to things you put in place to help her. Being aware is a big step as it should lead to her being better able to control it as she grows.

[MissMalonex2]

My 6 yr old does this - also with her sibling but occasionally in temper with me. We set set up a reward chart - £0.25 per day for each day over a 4 week period that she didn't do this. She stopped very fast - but more than the money the focus on that one particular thing seemed to help her focus. She still gets cross but stops herself from lashing out.