'dd's friends.....arghh...!

[springchickennolonger]

I have a dd, 12. She's an only child and has no other family who are in touch on a regular basis. I've always encouraged her to value her friends, but increasingly they seem to be shutting her out. She's not "cool" but is a nice kid (I think) and is finding it hard to eal with the rejection. This has happened a few times on instagram etc: kids ignoring her or going out in the "gang" without her.

She's sporty so has other things to do. Sje's also quite full on and energetic. She's constantly looking for things to do, and will spend time with someone she doesn't particularly like rather than be on her own.

She doesn't read, draw or play with loom bands etc, despite my best efforts to enjoy her own company. She's independent butvdoesn't want to go places on her own.

She doesn't particularly enjoy being with me either.

How can I get her to value her own company more? Her friends are nice enough girls in the main: a mixed bag, a bit flighty, more confident in the main than dd, some a bit mean.

I'm afraid that she's making herself look a bit needy and desperate if she continues to crave the company of girls who do not crave her company in return!

I don't understand how to deal with this as I was (and still am) very different myself, enjoying my own company and able to occupy myself happily.

[Theas18]

If she isn't solitary I don't think you can change that.

You can however modify gently the company she keeps...

" doesn't particularly enjoy being with me" .... I think maybe you have to work on this - you need to do stuff she wants to do and act like you love it I reckon!

She's sporty- big up the sport. How many team/training sessions does she do? Can she fit another in - preferably away from the kids at school to gain her a different friendship group? Be there cheering her on.

years 8 and 9 at school are the bitchiest ever and if you are a kid who's self worth relies on being " in with the queen bee" I think you'll have a tough time as the queen bee will pick and drop minons all the time. Try to develop other things that make her feel like a valuable person- doing well at sport is a bril one.

[springchickennolonger]

Thanks Theas. Yes, I've bigged up the sport. She has tennis lessons and she's doing a tennis camp next week. She's also doing a tennis tournament. She will meet other girls from different backgrounds.

I'm not sure I know how to make her like being with me though! I've always been there for her and her friends during the holidays but to be frank I found making the effort all the time exhausting and I was hoping that, at this age, I would be able to take a back seat and let her get on with it. Apparently not! I grew up when children were more or less left alone and if they weren't enjoying themselves particularly, so what?

I also take a friend on holiday for her and do my best to be good company. We have a laugh, but I can't replace the company of friends.

She's not the sort to seek out the company of a Queen Bee either. Dd is actually quite cynical about these types of girls: it's coming to terms with those who she's always seen as reliable that's the problem.

I've always been very sceptical of other people-both as a child and as an adult-and it's resulted in a few, but very reliable and loyal friends, whom I really value.

I think that it takes courage and strength to be discerning and maybe dd needs to learn how do be like this, or not to care when kids treat her contemptuously.

[Medibeagle]

Could she join the Scouts or something similar so she has a group of friends separate from her school friends?

[springchickennolonger]

medibeagle she's joining Air Cadets when she's 13. I think she'll really enjoy that, and,as you say, it'll be a chance for her to meet new people. And boys! She doesn't really have boy friends any more. Pity. I suppose that's an age thing too....

[Medibeagle]

Fab :)

[Susiesue61]

That sounds so like Dd! She is 12, going into year 8. She doesn't seem to be invited to much out of school although she seems to have friends there. She does football and cricket out of school and has just been ona 3 day cricket festival which I think she enjoyed.

It is hard. When she was left out of a sleepover recently, I suggested she make new friends but she told me to butt out!

I have just gone with having her friends here and not holding out much hope for return invites. It breaks my heart though

[RandomMess]

Hopefully during year 8 friendships will settle down a bit more and she'll find the group that she is a better fit with?