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Problems within friendship group,sorry long.

(6 Posts)
Cocodale Sat 12-Apr-14 00:36:15

My dd will be starting secondary school in Sept. She's a popular girl with a wide circle of friends. One particular friend she's had since pre school has not been at the same primary but will be going to the same secondary as her.
This friend had always found it difficult to accept my dd's other friendships, she is very jealous of any other relationships my dd has and causes lots of trouble by gossiping and being very unkind about my dd's other friends.
It has all come to a bit of a head today when at a party this friend was incredibly unkind and cruel to another girl purely it appears out of jealousy at the time she spent with dd. Unfortunately in her mothers eyes she can do no wrong and she always finds ways of blaming the other girls that have been hurt by her dd.
My dd can chose 2 friends to be considered for going into a tutor group together and out of loyalty wants to put this girl and at the moment another girl who was the child being treated so badly at the party.
We can write our own comments on a separate sheet about her choices, do I say I don't want her with this girl? Knowing how upset they will both be to not be together or suggest others who may diffuse the situation?
I hate to see my dd constantly having to consider this friend in what and who she speaks to or sees and always on the guard.

LastingLight Sat 12-Apr-14 13:01:52

Have you gently discussed with your dd the characteristics of true friends? True friends don't try to manipulate you all the time and are not nasty to your other friends. Have you talked about how the other girl might feel about being put in a group with someone who was very nasty to her?

Notmyidea Sat 12-Apr-14 15:52:48

Sigh! Dd2 had a "best fiend" like this, only they were stuck in the same class of primary from preschool onwards. I think the phrase I used on the secondary form was,
"We feel that a separate tutor group from x would be very healthy."
It was respected, even though I'm pretty sure the other child's parents will have requested the opposite. It's been a long, hard road to rebuild dd's self esteem and teach her to be assertive after prolonged contact with this lass. I regret not being more vigilant and involved sooner.

Cocodale Sat 12-Apr-14 16:33:11

Thank you for your replies, she is the third dd we have and thankfully we have never had this problem before.

She understands very well who her true friends are but this other seems to have such a hold, it's such a shame because she clearly really likes this friend, I think she's been like it so long it's almost an excepted part of her. Sadly as they get older it gets that much more personal and nasty rather than the your not playing with us kind of thing.

I think I will probably have to say can they be separated which she will be really upset about, it's tricky as a parent knowing when to keep out of things but I think I've done that enough and need to be more assertive so her new friendships do not suffer.

The mother of this child has a bit of a track record in not helping her dd to deal in a better way with her friends, her older dd had lots of problems at school which always seemed to be someone else's fault.

Nocomet Sat 12-Apr-14 16:52:05

Is she likely to do many lessons with this 'friend'?

Are things taught in tutor groups? (We were for a bit, DDs are set from the beginning)

Are they of similar academic ability?

DD2 has new female DFs as her top table partner in crime went to a different school. She sees a couple of old friends on the bus and in PE, but not the rest of the time.

The more they are likely to be together the more the school being aware of a problem matters.

Cocodale Tue 15-Apr-14 11:55:25

If they were in the same tutor group noco they would be together in everything other than science, English and Maths. I think I've decided that I am going to ask for them not to be together regardless, she is unlikely to be set with dd3 in the other subjects.

It will cause aggro I know but we have had a long chat about true friendship and I think she understands that this friend would be too difficult in a tutor group.

My other 2 dd's went on to make lots of friends and she's very sociable with other friendships from swimming, riding and netball which really upsets this friend who has a limited friendship group.

I will be bracing myself for when the hormones really kick in mind you, I have always been a mum who would step back and let them fight their own battles but as there is no sensible support coming from the mother I think I really need to look after dd3.

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