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parents having sex

(26 Posts)
butterflyfish Tue 18-Mar-14 22:56:34

My 11 yr old daughter can't stand the thought of her father and I having sex.we have very recently had the "sex talk"with her and she understands and accepts sex but can't handle the fact that her parents do it.she tries to use it against us saying that part of her disrespectful behavior towards us is because we have sex.she stays awake at night to try and catch us out and monitors our bedroom door waiting for it to close so she can carry on about us having sex stating that it keeps her awake even though she should be asleep at this hour.I respect my children and always close and lock our bedroom door at appropriate hours,we do not make any noise and basically tip toe around to the point that we are so paranoid that she will knock on our door every 5 minutes because she wants to bust us,half the time its not even worth it and this has affected my partners and i relationship.when she thinks we are having sex she will make up any excuse to get out of bed or knock on our door ,mind you this is after 11 oclock at night.she is now even resorting to accuse us of having sex and keeping her awake even when we are not doing anything.i sit her down to talk sensibly about sex and she can be very mature and accepting but then turns around and uses it against us making us feel bad when she wants to get away with her typical pre teen bad behaviour.i dont know what to do im thinking that counciling may help?

ScarletStar Tue 18-Mar-14 22:59:13

I would put my foot down. She's the child, you're the adult and you shouldn't be tip toeing around incase you annoy her! She needs to accept your behaviour is normal and healthy and that's that. If she's deeply unhappy or upset about it you need to find out the real cause, otherwise it's just madness.

butterflyfish Tue 18-Mar-14 23:03:32

What can I do about this? This topic is causing disharmony in my house.

saintmerryweather Tue 18-Mar-14 23:06:36

I would tell her to get her butt in bed if shes wandering round the house past her bedtime.

ScarletStar Tue 18-Mar-14 23:08:15

It just sounds like she's playing up, has she started her periods yet? Sounds like mad, moody teen behaviour already!

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi Tue 18-Mar-14 23:08:51

It can be normal for children to have an issue with this but it does sound like she is taking it to extremes

If you feel councilling is needed and might help then absolutely look into that, you know her best

If it were me (and we have several children but none with such an extreme reaction so this might not be helpful) I would absolutely refuse to discuss my sex life with her. If she asked or 'accused' me I would tell her that is private between DH and I and not any of her concern. That what adults do together is natural and normal but private and not up for discussion

We have a lock on our bedroom door and we often have times when we are alone in our room with the door locked. To listen to music, to watch a film, to discuss one of the dc etc we didn't want to make the door being locked a sign that we were going to have sex

If she is knocking on the door late at night I would check she was ok and then ignore her, she is not a toddler and I think giving in to her might be reinforcing the idea that your sex life is has something to do with her and is under her control

If she blames any of her bad behaviour on this I would nip that in the bud and tell her not to be so silly, but at other times I would make sure you were both very physically affectionate with her to limit the jealousy

I'm sure my teenagers would prefer it if we were never to have sex again, and my pre-teen dd would love nothing more than to sleep in between us every night but we were not prepared to give up our sex life or let them have control over it. We are as quiet and respectful as we can be but that is where we draw the line

defineme Tue 18-Mar-14 23:16:51

Absolutely never discuss your sex life with your dd-I always discuss sex in general terms-lots of information, but nothing about me specifically. Any questions about me and her Dad are answered with 'that's private' or 'none of your business'.
Getting out of bed after 9 pm on a school night would be met with sanctions.
I'd also say I was concerned about her late nights/ rudeness and would be contacting her school to discuss it-that has an effect!
My dd aged 9 had a bit of an obsession with where we had sex -she kept saying 'but where did you have sex with Daddy?' for about 2 days-I kept saying none of your business and told her off for nagging-I happily discussed where people have sex in general.
I think it's time you took control and got your dd to understand what's private.

Nocomet Tue 18-Mar-14 23:18:29

I'd have very noisy sex right outside her door, but I'm utterly no nonsense about such things.

Sex is part of adult relationships and it's absolutely abd it's nothing to be ashamed of.

No locks here if DDs forget to knock it's hardly the end of the world and anyway we hear their doors.

They have both co-slept and still as teens, come for a cuddle of a weekend morning.

I'm afraid OP all your DD would get here is laughed at for being very childish.

butterflyfish Tue 18-Mar-14 23:19:56

She hasn't had her period yet,but by her irratic behavior it won't be long,I'm hoping she may get some relief/release when she dose get them because at the moment its just building up so much pressure.I have tried putting my foot down in all different ways to her behaviour she is just so self absorbed,if tried being authoritive,nice,angrey,cool,heaps of other different the moment my attitude is "I'm an adult ,its none of your business and I'm old and sensible enough to do what I want and you have no right to question or tell me what I can or can't do within sensible reason" but it still doesn't stop her behaviour and she just upsets the whole hold over it,it doesn't matter what reasoning I give her she is just on a war path.

Ledkr Tue 18-Mar-14 23:20:30

If my dd messes about at night I tell her she obviously needs to going to bed earlier to give her time to settle down.
It seems to work.

butterflyfish Tue 18-Mar-14 23:23:21

Lol yes I have thought of doing that,good advice.

Nocomet Tue 18-Mar-14 23:23:30

I could hear my parents and would sometimes catch my dad's eye and ask if he had fun. Ok I was a bjt older than 9, but probably not a lot.

DM would look faintly embarrassed, not because she was, but because she always took it upon herself to keep us all faintly in order.

butterflyfish Tue 18-Mar-14 23:29:12

Ive tried that and she dose go to sleep but its like she tells herself to wake up for it like a built in alarm clock.its only since the "talk" and us confirming that yes we too sex that she's behaved this way.she's known about sex for a fair while and is learning about it in school yr 6,and her father and I are sick of sneeking around so we just though she's old enough and mature enough to be able to deal with it.she cool with other people having sex just not us.

Nocomet Tue 18-Mar-14 23:29:43

As for her general behaviour, she's being 9.

9y want to be grown up one minute and little DCs the next.

They know they aren't old enough to have the grown up freedoms they really want, so they become utter control freaks about things that don't make sense to anyone else.

It gets much better as soon as they are old enough to go to the shop or stay home alone. Go swimming with a friend or mooch in the library while you shop if they are DD1.

Ledkr Tue 18-Mar-14 23:30:58

I must admit I've never discussed me having sex, just sex in general.
I think my kids are in ignorant bliss.

butterflyfish Tue 18-Mar-14 23:32:46

I tell my daughter that my sex life is not her business and don't discuss ours personally.when I tell her its not up for discussion she has that way of manipulation and I find myself defending my actions

butterflyfish Tue 18-Mar-14 23:36:55

Yes yr right,she started that behavior at 9 she's now 11 ,I'm just sick of the arguments and and I try so hard not to succumb to the argument trap but they always lure you in

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi Tue 18-Mar-14 23:38:09

Don't defend yourself

If she brings the subject up tell her once that you are not going to discuss it and then ignore anything else she says. Sing to yourself if you have to but do not argue with her about it

butterflyfish Tue 18-Mar-14 23:42:01

Yes yr right,its great to know that parents out there treat this issue the same i am and have the same though i do on this topic,i guess she just has to build a bridge.

butterflyfish Tue 18-Mar-14 23:43:58

Your right and that's what I'm going to ,if she continues this behaviour then I'm going to take her to counciling so she can be told this from a third party.

FannyFifer Tue 18-Mar-14 23:47:37

Lock your bedroom door.

If she gets out of bed at night, punish her, ground her, take belongings, whatever.

Do not accept this nonsense.

Although I would be tempted to have very loud pretend sex and really give her something to complain about, wouldn't really though.

butterflyfish Tue 18-Mar-14 23:48:51

Got to go now To do some chores but I'm eager for anyone's options Or advice about this and I have found this very helpfull ,thank you to you all and i will Be back shortly to hear anymore advice/opinions

Preciousbane Tue 18-Mar-14 23:56:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MostWicked Tue 18-Mar-14 23:59:54

What sanctions do you give her if she keeps getting up at night? If she is doing it just to catch you out, then there needs to be a consequence.

I don't understand how this can have gone on for this long if you haven't defended yourself or entered into discussions with her. I would ignore every comment she made and simply say one final time that the subject is not open for discussion and that is the end of it.

Poppylovescheese Sun 23-Mar-14 17:43:46

TBH she is ruling the roost and I would punish her for getting up at night and behaving so disrespectfully. Her behaviour is ridiculous and you should not be pandering to it.

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