Struggling to cope with 11 year old DD's behaviour

[Loveherbutnotherbehaviour]

DD's behaviour is really starting to affect our family and I don't know how to sort it.
It's constantly like treading on eggshells around her. If we say something she doesn't want to hear then she'll scream and shout at us.
When we send her to her room she will refuse to go and the only way to get her there is to physically drag her up the stairs which isn't the right way to go about it.
We've started taking her phone and iPod off her but then she tries to grab them back all the while shouting that we can't take them as they are hers.
She doesn't do as she is told and will argue with us until the cows come home. She'll just keep pushing and pushing. She can be quite aggressive with the shouting as well.
She winds the others up as well. She'll walk into the room where we are all sat and will start on them and then when we tell her off she will shout and scream that she didn't do anything.
When she's being good there can still sometimes be an undercurrent as her behaviour can switch just like that.
Her behaviour has been brilliant the past 2 nights and she was lovely to be around and then tonight she just changes. I just wish she was like that more often as I hate telling her off so often and even she says she prefers it when she's not being told off. She can have such enthusiasm for life and can be funny and smiley at times but I wish she was more often.
I love her dearly but she's wearing us down.
There aren't any problems at school and she has a group of friends who are really nice.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Sounds hormonal and normal but not acceptable behaviour and she needs pulling up on it.

Ds is the same

Basically we have to present everything as a 'choice' for example 'its your choice whether to behave like this ds but if you continue to shout and scream you will lose your phone for x number of days. If you don't hand it over I will cancel the contract, totally up to you though...' Then turn your back calmly and carry on with what you are doing.

Ignore and eye rolling and tutting, you have to pickyour battles a bit.

Be consistent, be calm and be very clear that you won't tolerate this kind of behaviour.

If she storms off to get bedroom and then comes down again tell her that you expect an apology. Once she apologises immediately accept it and move on.

Bloody teens are hard work

[pandora987]

I agree, pick your battles! Otherwise its just constant rowing. I let the little things go and have never had any luck sending DD 10 to her room. I just tell her I'm not going to talk to her until she's calmed down, she usually takes herself to her room with lots of door slamming! Sometimes its hard not to get into an argument because there's no logic to her arguments! But its best to say its unacceptable, and wait until she's calmed down. She then says sorry and
we can usually have a chat about it later and a few cuddles. And if she's lovely I tell her how proud I am of her.
I'm fairly laid back and we don't have too many rules. I think DD gets away with some things she shouldn't but we're all happier than trying to get perfection 100% of the time. She knows where the lines are.
I'm sure the hormones have kicked in and will get worse before they get better!

[Loveherbutnotherbehaviour]

Thank you both for your replies.
We have 2 older DDs as well and although they had/have their moments they are nothing like this.
DD3 sees everything in black and white which causes problems in itself.
She has been much better tonight apart from a 15 minute period where she was determined to wind everybody up. Luckily I was able to distract her with her homework.
I'm sure in some ways this parenting business gets worse as they get older!

[CassCade]

Wow, as I read your post OP, I thought it could be me writing it! Interested to hear what other people say as we have exactly the same situation going on! If it helps, you're not alone. It is a nightmare sometimes. Even today my DD (she's 12 and a half) was screaming (literally) at me that she "didn't want to hear it" because she felt she was being blamed for something (quite serious), when what I was trying to do was discuss the something to make sure it didn't happen again. She would not 'discuss' anything, and screamed at me that she didn't want to talk to me and flounced out, stamping all the way up the stairs and slamming doors. Half an hour later, came downstairs, all calm, nice as pie. Hormones are flipping weird.

[Loveherbutnotherbehaviour]

That is exactly what my DD3 does as well CassCade.
Also if I try to talk to her about anything that she's done I always get accused of shouting at her no matter how calmly I'm talking to her.
She'll do something right in front of us and when we tell her off she'll say that she didn't do anything. If we say that we saw her she'll ramp it up and start screaming at us that it wasn't her. When she's in that sort of mood it can last all evening on and off.
It's the walking on eggshells that wears me down the most.
Hormones have so much to answer for!

[CassCade]

I agree!! I will come back to you but I have got to go to bed now, Love! Like you I have three DD's, and I will follow your thread with interest! Good night for now - by the way, I always think things seem better in the morning when you've had a good night's sleep! Keep calm and carry on, and all that. ;)

[Loveherbutnotherbehaviour]

Thanks CassCade.
We've not had the greatest start to the day.
DD3 decided she was going in the bathroom while her younger brother was in there. That didn't end well! She's had her iPod taken off her for swearing at me when i told her to get out of the bathroom and wait her turn so she'll probably kick off when she gets home from school

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Do you give her a warning before removing her phone/iPod? so she had a chance to redeem herself but of not then she's choosing to behave like this

We have family rules pinned on the kitchen door and when ds kicks off we refer to it. It's good as it's a constant reminder of what is expected.

Teens are really like toddlers

[Loveherbutnotherbehaviour]

No I didn't warn her before removing her iPod as it was for swearing at me which she had already done and all 5 of them know that i have zero tolerance when it comes to swearing and swearing at people iyswim.
Normally she does get warnings about her behaviour but she still carries on and then she ramps up the bad behaviour and screaming and shouting when you carry out the threat.

[exhaustedandfrustrated]

I too can sympathise at the end of my tether and its only the beginning!! No one tells you that parents have the hardest job on the planet, even work is preferable!! Don't get me wrong would never lose her but I miss my child before the arguments, people say it comes back .........counting the days!!!!

[CassCade]

Hello again and morning, fellow sufferers. ;) I love the "teens are like toddlers", DameD!
We had another set-to last night with both my eldest girls fighting before dinner, DD1 (12) winding up DD2, (10), DD2 complaining that 'I had washed her school uniform' (!Yes! 'Because it feels stiff and funny when you wash it') and then DD1 teasing her really meanly about wanting to be dirty and smelly wearing the same unwashed uniform as last week... It goes on... Culminating in both of them refusing to eat the meat in their roast dinner. I think you are right about picking battles, Pandora, it's constant battles otherwise! (emoticon for shaking head in despair...)

Thank God for Benedict Cumberbatch to take my mind off things.

[ShadowOfTheDay]

I have 2 as well - DD13 - real PITA sometimes - our conversations seem to consist of ...

Her: shout shout shout....
Me: I really love you, but this behaviour is unacceptable..
Her: shout, flounce, bang door, cry, 15 min of angst behind a closed door...
Me: Dinner is ready/time to go to X/Y/Z etc
Her: Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Normality ensues til the next time....

DD11 starting to head that way too .... Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

[Drunkendonut]

This is also my 10 year old! But she's always been a bit mardy! I have 2 older dc who are very calm and well behaved but she's a revelation! She thinks the world is out to get her!
She has a kind heart and is very thoughtful and loving - she often comes to me afterwards and says sorry and tells me I'm the best Mum in the world but she says she can't control her outbursts!
I tend to try to ignore her behaviour when she's in the middle of one then speak to her/tell her off once she's calmed down otherwise it descends into a screaming match (on her part) and accomplishes nothing.
She knows it's unacceptable but shes so apologetic and genuinely seems to struggle to control herself.
We're working on techniques. She's fine at school but sometimes kicks off with her friends when they wind her up.

[Loveherbutnotherbehaviour]

DD3 has been I'll the past two days so has been impeccably behaved. Her behaviour in the past 15 minutes would suggest she is better!
Drunkendonut My DD3 sounds just like yours. DD1 and 2 had their moments but not on the scale of DD3 and everything that worked with the older two does not with DD3.
CassCade sounds like you have a small gap like me. DD2 is 13 and there is only 19 months between her and DD3. They are so different and share a room which I know doesn't help but there's not a lot we can do about that as DD1 wouldn't give up her room and DS1 and DS2 share the other room.

[LizLemongrass]

Feel your pain. I have an 11 dd. It's tough. Mine just can not be nice to me.