Firstly this is very long - apologies! But how would you deal with the following?
We have two boys aged 11.5 and 9. DS1 started Secondary in September and DS2 is in year 4.
They share the largest bedroom, we could give separate rooms but it would be difficult as the box room is dh's office for work plus one would have a huge room and one a very tiny room (just big enough for a single bed).
We are currently struggling with dealing with a few specific issues and I'm just wondering how others deal with them:
1.Messy bedroom - clothes & belongings everywhere. The room smells of unwashed washing. Rubbish is on the floor rather than in the bin. If I ask for something to be taken upstairs & put away, it gets dumped on the floor. They are expected to tidy their own room, we have tried helping & we've tried going in, sorting it out and then asking for them to keep it tidy from that point - within minutes it's a mess again. I know of one friend who's kids rooms are immaculate but her kids don't have any toys bar a computer and 1-2 items nor do they have many books. Mine don't have tons but they do have a bookshelf of books each plus a few key toys they really like and art stuff. We've provided shelving and storage, we've helped with getting it tidy etc so they are not overwhelmed but na da.. it makes no difference(!)
2.Clothes not put to wash and clean clothes not put away (I fold, sort & ask them to put their own clothes away, we have always asked for clothes to be put in the washing basket when dirty - basket is in bathroom & my bedroom, they did have their own basket for a while but it was always full of toys & books). If it was just DS1, I think I'd say 'you are nearly 12, from now on wash your own clothes' and let him deal with the consequence of no clean clothes but I know he would just wear dirty stuff, he doesn't care if he's dirty or smelly! I don't feel at 9, that I can say that to DS2 just yet.
- Taking of food - we've always had a rule of 'ask if you want something to eat'. Not trying to be controlling but I didn't want them eating if a meal was going to be on the table within say 20 minutes nor do I want them taking food planned for a meal. There is always fruit, bread for toast/sandwiches and homemade biscuits/cake and I would say that most of the time I direct them to these, it's only if a meal is imminent that I say no. They take crisps, chocolate biscuits and sweets. I buy crisps for occasional lunchbox treats or weekend lunches, I have choc biscuits for lunchboxes if I haven't had time to bake but we don't eat either of these regularly. Sweets/chocolates are considered treats. They get treats about once a week sometimes less, sometimes more or they can buy out of their own money. DH and I have the same so I don't treat any of us differently. We've actually locked crisps and biscuits, choc bars away (I buy crisps and biscuits on offer so tend to bulk buy), this morning I found a chocolate bar wrapper in their bedroom - they'd taken it from the baking cupboard. Neither would own up to who took it, why or when. This has always been the case - we find the wrappers in the bedroom or behind the sofa or I notice stock going down. They've even taken drink yoghurts and hidden the bottles (I find them stuffed somewhere) or go in the freezer and take ice-creams (even if I've specifically said no ice-creams as lunch is in 15 mins....) Locking food away has improved the situation as the food isn't there to take but in actual fact really makes no difference if they can find something else (and it's not fruit they take!!) so it's not solved the problem.
- Telling lies / not owning up - example this morning finding the chocolate bar wrapper. Neither will admit to who took it. Even when asking the question 'who was last in the bathroom/sitting room?', neither will say 'that was me' All I might want to say is 'remember to shut the door' or 'please flush/wipe the seat'. I've tried to explain that lying makes me cross, that all I might want to give them is a reminder or ask about something but it never sinks in! I've said that if I am a bit annoyed or cross about something then if they own up, I'm more likely to say 'please don't do that again' or 'we don't do that because...' but that if they lie, I will be very cross - makes no difference! If I just say for example "please wipe the seat if you drip on the seat", it doesn't sink in. I feel like I'm just a recording on repeat somedays!
I'm getting more and more annoyed and fed up about the whole situation. If I give a consequence then I do carry it out and they do know that. DH does back me up so they know they can't play us off against each other. We've tried talking to them, setting a consequence together or separately but nothing works! We've explained about team work, working as a family etc.. we all have jobs to do in the house (they feed dog, sort recycling and hoover if I need help) so it's not a case of we ask them to do more than us! We've discussed looking after our belongings, they know that we both have things that have lasted us many years ie I have the calculator I had when I was 11 or I saved up to buy a particular art tool and I still have it 22 years later. They know we both look after stuff and that we put things away when finished with etc etc. I know that some of this is typical kids stuff and we won't replace stuff if broken, they can ask for birthday/Christmas but otherwise if it's their fault, they have to save up. They know the value of money! Both boys saved up and bought DS's and iPods with birthday/Christmas/job money and that if they get damaged through their own fault, we will not replace.
Any thoughts? How would you deal with these situations? Any advice much appreciated!
