Ok, so we've been far too soft on dd in the mornings, how do we change things?

[Dancergirl]

12 year old dd started at secondary school last year, she's now in Year 8. She has to be up quite early in order to get to the stop in time to get the school coach at 7.40am. She's really struggled with this being a night owl.

She does have an alarm but she's terrible at getting up in the morning and dh (who is up then anyway) has to go in about 3 times between 6.40 and 6.50am to make sure she's up.

I think a 12 year old should be responsible for getting herself up in the morning. Yes I know we've got into bad habits but I want to change things now.

Ideally if she's up late she should suffer the consequences: miss the coach, make her own way to school and be late. The problem is, there is no easy way of getting to school by public transport. It's only about a 15 min drive away but I don't want to drive her if she misses it, that defeats the object.

Any ideas?

[QueenBoudicea]

At 12 she really does need to take more responsibility for getting herself to school.
Would she be mortified if she missed school because of her tardiness?

Could she walk to school if she missed the bus?

What time does she go to bed? Is she up all night messaging friends?

[defineme]

I was like that at 12 and I get up fine on my own as an adult. My Mum had to wake me up a couple of times and I fully expect to have to do it with my dd as she is a heavy late sleeper like me, unlike my 2 ds who bounce up early. I'm not sure it is really such a big problem if your dhs up and she does make the bus?
Is she rowing with him and rude when he does it .. that would be a deal breaker for me - if dd was rude when I woke her up she'd be in big trouble.
These dark mornings are the worse .. it's not natural to get up in the dark.

[Dancergirl]

queen no she's not. I'm quite strict about turning off devices in the evening and she's not one of these girls who's glued to her phone.

Her official lights-out time is 9.15pm but she faffs around. She's got boundless energy in the evening and just can't fall asleep too early. She's always been like that. She's usually still awake at 10.30pm. But what can I do? I can't physically force her to sleep.

No, she's not rude to dh, she's quite silent in the morning until she's woken up properly. Dh says it's like having breakfast with a pink, hooded, dressing gown'ed zombie!

[Orangeanddemons]

Most teenagers are owls. You can't stop her sleeping like she is..

[killpeppa]

my dad used to wake me every morning for school until I was 18

[Arcadian]

Personally I don't see anything wrong with waking her up if someone is already awake.

Don't worry, when she's home alone/moves out in the future, she'll manage just fine. You've not ruined her with bad habits.

I think you're making a fuss out of nothing tbh.

[Orangeanddemons]

I used to have to wake bloody ds every morning until he left home. I tried and tried not to do it, but he simply never woke up.

He manages now he's left home, but the hassle from school when he was late all the time was worse than the hassle of waking him up

[gamerchick]

Problem is the school pure whinge at you in they're late. Personally I don't like wiping their arses past a certain age. I wake him up at 7 and again at 20 past as he has to leave at 8 and if he chooses to be late that's his problem.

Then it's a case of ignoring the million phone calls from the robot.

[gamerchick]

*if

[Dancergirl]

Glad I'm not alone!

I know it's not a big thing in the scheme of things, it's just this nagging feeling that she 'should' be responsible for getting herself up.

[onlysettleforbutterflies]

I still have to wake dp up for work, which can take 2 or 3 goes! I think some people are just morning people or they're not. If your dp wakes her up, then from that point on its her responsibility to get out of the door on time.

[OttilieKnackered]

To be fair, Gamerchick, the school 'pure whinges' at you because it's really important for them to be on time. You wouldn't be allowed to be late for work all the time. It's about showing respect for your teachers/employers/classmates/colleagues.

Although by teen years (I'd say 12 was on the boundary of should be responsible) they should be whinging at the pupil, not their parent.

[gamerchick]

Then they need to take it up with him. He's 14 and needs to learn his actions have consequences.

If I were late for work.. They wouldn't whinge at my husband.. I would get it in the neck.

They have to learn.

[redcaryellowcar]

i think teenagers can really struggle with early mornings, there are even schools seriously contemplating a 10am start?
if i were you i would carry on waking her up, perhaps take her a glass of orange juice and not worry!

[Orangeanddemons]

I would just carry on waking her up too. I'm a teacher, and all the emerging evidence says schools should start at 10.00am for teenagers, as their body clocks are set to go to be late and get up late. They start to switch back in early 20s I believe. It is true that some schools are doing later starts in light of this eveidence

[Dancergirl]

Interesting.

That would help with traffic too.

[lljkk]

We still chivvy to get 14yo out the door. I am not keen on "they should be able to do X by themselves" method of parenting, doesn't seem to get anywhere. DS didn't get that memo.

12yo gets self up & out 90% of the time; she even sewed own buttons on blazer this morning. 5yo is similar with some support. No credit to my parenting, just their character.

[Dancergirl]

I am not keen on "they should be able to do X by themselves" method of parenting

That is actually a very good point, thank you. I think I'm swayed too much by MN sometimes, what they 'should' be doing by such and such an age. Think I'll try to ignore that!

[sparklysilversequins]

I'd just keep waking her up as long as she needs it. Doesn't seem like a massive issue to me. My Mum always woke me up till I was about 14, I got a paper round then and got myself up no problem every day.

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

My ds1 is another teenager who did not get the memo about getting up without me hollering up the stairs twice.

I dont think its such a big deal, I am up anyway.

[curlew]

Why wouldn't a person already awake call somebody who needed to be up? If you would do this for your partner or a friend, why wouldn't you do it for a child?

[Theas18]

You have to go in 3 times over a 10 min time period then all is OK and she gets going?

Thats really no biggie is it?

Different if it's 3 calls to get up then constant warnings every 10 mins to get onto the next getting ready task...

[JuliaScurr]

yes, there are secondary schools with 10am start
the teenage brain is by nature owlish
imo it is as cruel to make teenagers get up early as depriving toddlers of mid-day nap
it is a natural, inevitable stage of development and schools should adapt to it

[curlew]

My rule of thumb is if I would do something for a friend, or my dp then I'll do it for my child. I don't buy the "they have to learn" argument. They will. But a more important lesson is that we help each other, look out for each other and do kind things for each other.

[drinkyourmilk]

I still have to nag my oh out of bed. He's 32. Total night owl.