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Is this normal behaviour for an 11yr old?

(36 Posts)

So ds came back from spending the weekend at his dad's. He got home at 8pm.
Normally on a week day evening he plays ps3 for half an hour once all homework is done, school bag sorted & hes showered. Goes to bed at 9pm. He is allowed a lot more on weekends he is home.
He's come home and asked to play ps3. My dp has a rare evening off tonight and had just settled down to watch a film. Ds asked to play the ps3. Dp said not tonight as he wants to relax a bit and watch this film. He invited ds to watch it with him.
Then all hell let loose confused He shouted, stropped, stomped around, went outside and started banging around. I told him to get in. He stomped in, shouted more, etc.
Saying he'd been bored all weekend and now he's bored again because of us. Dp said ds needs to take it up with his dad if he's bored. Que more shouting. He didn't like dp. Called dp lazy and stupid. Says he's just slobbing around watching tv. Etc.
He's currently laying on his bed. He thrown his pillow and duvet on the floor and is kicking the end of his bed.
WTAF just happened? confused

ancientbuchanan Thu 31-Oct-13 21:30:54

There is a brilliant letter I've read from a teacher to a recently widowed mother of a teen just gone to secondary school.

It basically says he will be pretty uncertain, trying out all the boundaries, and a complete change from the lovely child you had. Just treat him with firm kindness and ignore the rest if you can or don't appear to pay attention to it. You'll see, he will be s lovely young man by the time he is 19 but in the meantime we are in for a thin time.

I comfort myself with that.

I also know, as we had/ have an incredibly argumentative child who tells us we are hypocrites etc, that

After a certain point reason doesn't work. I used the

That behaviour is unacceptable in any one. I love you but I do not like how you are behaving. When you have thought about it, we can discuss the issue.
I am not prepared to discuss the issue now.

I am your mother. I have a responsibility to bring you up. You may not like what I am doing but that is tough.

Followed up by the what's up doc approach, finding pit.what the trigger is, usually doing the washing.g up or something with no eye contact.

1BadDadApparenty Thu 31-Oct-13 18:47:01

All this sounds familiar to my 11 yo DS. Except he seems permanently grumpy and down right horrible. Wants for nothing (but not spoiled) and expects everything. Forgets his school bag/ keys/ football kit and then says "I can't believe you would walk past it and not pick it up for me" like its my fault!
We explain to him that he can't behave like this and there are consequences to bad behaviour (loss of iPod,Xbox, clubs he goes to) but he lashes out at us that WE are unreasonable, and "treat him like dirt" . He is smart and has a counter argument when we try to explain why he is receiving a punishment.
We have both kids do chores for pocket money, but quite often he refuses saying "it's not MY job". Pocket money is then withheld and again, WE are the unreasonable ones.

Love him so much but really struggling to be in his company sometimes. I just want him to realise how he is around us.


Mojavewonderer Sun 27-Oct-13 22:01:13

Hormones!! My daughter 11 and my son 9 are exactly the same. My daughter has got slightly better but my son is a nightmare. Can't wait until he calms down a bit though. Then my daughter will start again!

Yes Rosencrantz I think he does have a bad time there. Not sure what I can do about that though.

Weegiemm grin

Weegiemum Fri 25-Oct-13 01:19:08

We have an 11yo ds.

This is an occasional feature of our lives, but once he found out that screaming and banging about just loses him the next days "screen time" it's pretty much stopped.

But I'm hard, me!

Rosencrantz Fri 25-Oct-13 01:13:04

Boredom tantrums, I've always found, are quickly quashed at that age with 'you can't be bored, you're 11. Try being 45 (my age), that's boring' and then just ignoring the behaviour. They quickly understood that tantrums are useless.

... however, this sounds like a bigger issue. Had he had a shite time at his Dad's?

grants I can assure you DS is not living in punishment city. Far from it. Neither am I ^on his case. I'm not sure which part of this thread has given you that impression? He is allowed to be fucked off yes. However he is not allowed to speak to me & DP in the way he did. Give him a hug & a break? Plenty of that in this house thank you.

I feel sorry for him then hmm He gets to spend time with both me and DP individually. As do all our DC. We parent him together and DP has been part of his life for 7 years now.

mummytime YY to his tiredness. I do wonder actually,as you mention his diet. He's quite enjoying the freedom of secondary lunches. You know, the whole choice he gets. Has been making a few bad choices, I don't mind sometimes because he will eat loads of fruit. Will keep an eye on though.

mummytime Wed 23-Oct-13 22:54:12

It sounds like Hormones (and maybe a bad time at his Dads).

With my teens, I try to get them to apologise. They now usually apologise quite quickly after their outbursts, and even without prompting. And I try to be sympathetic, and may reduce punishments if they make up for their bad behaviour.

I would try to give him a chance to talk to you (and your DP), bed time is often a good time, or long car journeys, or whilst doing something together. Is there any kind of counsellor at his school, because if so you could mention he could make an appointment to see them for a chat. Even a form teacher could be a good neutral person for him to talk to.

Secondary school can seem a bit daunting too, with harder targets, and more discipline. He could also just be really tired and needing a lie in.

Try to keep his diet healthy, and maybe consider a teenager's multi-vitamin.

You are not alone!

JeanSeberg Wed 23-Oct-13 22:24:28

Yes his dad has been with his partner for just over a year IRRC

I feel sorry for him then, does he ever get to see either parent alone?

grants1000 Wed 23-Oct-13 22:07:53

How about just a huge dose of love, sympathy and understanding instead of punishment city? I have an 11 yo prone to outbursts of late, he's started secondary school so a huge change.

Does he need you on his case too? It must be hard for him shuffling back and forth. Give him a break and a hug. Emotions need to be expressed not repressed. He's allowed to be fucked off.

I say this with love not criticism.

Yes his dad has been with his partner for just over a year IRRC

JeanSeberg Wed 23-Oct-13 21:42:29

Does he dad have a new partner too?

DontspeakIknowwhatursayin Wed 23-Oct-13 20:46:58

Secondary is a bit draining too.. My ds is same age and we tend to pander to him a bit atm in the evenings as he just wants to eat and do homework and even fitting in the shower can be tight for time

Sunday evening is really special to him and he would get a bit sad if for example he couldn't Just watch tv or a film then ...He desperately tries to get all his homework etc done early in the weekend to make time for then

bickie Wed 23-Oct-13 19:40:37

I agree with hormones verdict. I have noticed with my 11 and 12 that they need a bit more 'down time' than before. Time to switch off and do their own thing. And the hormones are horrific. My very placid 11 DS has started getting very tearful and angry about the smallest of things. Fun huh?

Dontspeak YY I think you're right. I don't think he has that much of a nice time at his dad's tbh. It's hard to pry too much without it coming across as me being negative about his dad, so I just dont. He'll tell us lots though, and we always listen to him. Don't know what else to do really

DontspeakIknowwhatursayin Wed 23-Oct-13 19:16:14

Sounds as if he just may have been looking forward to choosing his own thing and playing a game on arriving home and then it was the last straw he couldn't?

JeanSerberg DP said it to DS. He said 'if you are bored there then speak to your dad about it. Tell him you're bored and maybe suggest something else you can do. Don't come home and take it out on me and your mum when you've had a bad weekend away from here. We're happy to speak to you about it, but not whilst you're being this rude to us.'

JeanSeberg Wed 23-Oct-13 18:20:09

My 3 boys spend equal time with me and their dad (divorced 11+ years) and it's always taken a couple of hours after 'change-over' for things to get back in the routine, irrespective of age and hormones.

I'd make concessions for it (not excuse it) at certain times if I were you, talk about it when he's more rational and able to reason.

Dp said ds needs to take it up with his dad if he's bored

Did DP say this to you or your son?

ancientbuchanan Wed 23-Oct-13 18:08:57

Hormone hell+worry about dad's new behaviour+ boredom+relief at being able to shout at someone and know you are still going to be loved,+ worry about secondary school underneath it all.

It's shit until year 8.

Labro Wed 23-Oct-13 18:05:07

Yes its normal.
Ds comes back from his dads at 6pm.
I have to do neutral low key conversation for an hour or I get (sounding exactly like his dad) 'you are a fat cow and sit around on your phone all day'
Normally we get on great most of the time, when hes rude he loses pocket money, soon stops the tirade. Yes also to the tantrum being never ending sometimes, calms down, apologies then starts a tirade because apparently I owe him an apology!
Take a deep breath, agree with dp what your sanctions are and ds will bw fine.

moldingsunbeams Tue 22-Oct-13 10:12:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seems it's normal then. He is lovely most of the time.
Seems to be since he started Secondary. Like a switch confused
So, stock up on wine .

VioletStar Mon 21-Oct-13 21:47:03

Yep, sounds like my DS. Lovely gorgeous being most of the time, but holy hell, hold onto your hats when he gets tired or a strop on. Leave him be, and later explain that he is growing up and tiredness is different because his body and mind are changing.
If he's like most he'll be fine by tomorrow and water under the bridge and all that. Not saying not to withhold screen time etc. Just he might need time out before you explain sanction. BTW he may tantrum again. You just can't predict it. Soz can't be more helpful than saying I feel your pain... wine helps.

lu9months Mon 21-Oct-13 21:46:02

not sure if its normal, but my 11 year old ds is very up and down and emotional at the moment. we get a lot of storming around and grumping!

OldBeanbagz Mon 21-Oct-13 21:44:22

Somehow they neglect to mention it in all the baby books!

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