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Is this normal behaviour for an 11yr old?

(36 Posts)

So ds came back from spending the weekend at his dad's. He got home at 8pm.
Normally on a week day evening he plays ps3 for half an hour once all homework is done, school bag sorted & hes showered. Goes to bed at 9pm. He is allowed a lot more on weekends he is home.
He's come home and asked to play ps3. My dp has a rare evening off tonight and had just settled down to watch a film. Ds asked to play the ps3. Dp said not tonight as he wants to relax a bit and watch this film. He invited ds to watch it with him.
Then all hell let loose confused He shouted, stropped, stomped around, went outside and started banging around. I told him to get in. He stomped in, shouted more, etc.
Saying he'd been bored all weekend and now he's bored again because of us. Dp said ds needs to take it up with his dad if he's bored. Que more shouting. He didn't like dp. Called dp lazy and stupid. Says he's just slobbing around watching tv. Etc.
He's currently laying on his bed. He thrown his pillow and duvet on the floor and is kicking the end of his bed.
WTAF just happened? confused

Yes his dad has been with his partner for just over a year IRRC

grants1000 Wed 23-Oct-13 22:07:53

How about just a huge dose of love, sympathy and understanding instead of punishment city? I have an 11 yo prone to outbursts of late, he's started secondary school so a huge change.

Does he need you on his case too? It must be hard for him shuffling back and forth. Give him a break and a hug. Emotions need to be expressed not repressed. He's allowed to be fucked off.

I say this with love not criticism.

JeanSeberg Wed 23-Oct-13 22:24:28

Yes his dad has been with his partner for just over a year IRRC

I feel sorry for him then, does he ever get to see either parent alone?

mummytime Wed 23-Oct-13 22:54:12

It sounds like Hormones (and maybe a bad time at his Dads).

With my teens, I try to get them to apologise. They now usually apologise quite quickly after their outbursts, and even without prompting. And I try to be sympathetic, and may reduce punishments if they make up for their bad behaviour.

I would try to give him a chance to talk to you (and your DP), bed time is often a good time, or long car journeys, or whilst doing something together. Is there any kind of counsellor at his school, because if so you could mention he could make an appointment to see them for a chat. Even a form teacher could be a good neutral person for him to talk to.

Secondary school can seem a bit daunting too, with harder targets, and more discipline. He could also just be really tired and needing a lie in.

Try to keep his diet healthy, and maybe consider a teenager's multi-vitamin.

You are not alone!

grants I can assure you DS is not living in punishment city. Far from it. Neither am I ^on his case. I'm not sure which part of this thread has given you that impression? He is allowed to be fucked off yes. However he is not allowed to speak to me & DP in the way he did. Give him a hug & a break? Plenty of that in this house thank you.

I feel sorry for him then hmm He gets to spend time with both me and DP individually. As do all our DC. We parent him together and DP has been part of his life for 7 years now.

mummytime YY to his tiredness. I do wonder actually,as you mention his diet. He's quite enjoying the freedom of secondary lunches. You know, the whole choice he gets. Has been making a few bad choices, I don't mind sometimes because he will eat loads of fruit. Will keep an eye on though.

Rosencrantz Fri 25-Oct-13 01:13:04

Boredom tantrums, I've always found, are quickly quashed at that age with 'you can't be bored, you're 11. Try being 45 (my age), that's boring' and then just ignoring the behaviour. They quickly understood that tantrums are useless.

... however, this sounds like a bigger issue. Had he had a shite time at his Dad's?

Weegiemum Fri 25-Oct-13 01:19:08

We have an 11yo ds.

This is an occasional feature of our lives, but once he found out that screaming and banging about just loses him the next days "screen time" it's pretty much stopped.

But I'm hard, me!

Yes Rosencrantz I think he does have a bad time there. Not sure what I can do about that though.

Weegiemm grin

Mojavewonderer Sun 27-Oct-13 22:01:13

Hormones!! My daughter 11 and my son 9 are exactly the same. My daughter has got slightly better but my son is a nightmare. Can't wait until he calms down a bit though. Then my daughter will start again!

1BadDadApparenty Thu 31-Oct-13 18:47:01

All this sounds familiar to my 11 yo DS. Except he seems permanently grumpy and down right horrible. Wants for nothing (but not spoiled) and expects everything. Forgets his school bag/ keys/ football kit and then says "I can't believe you would walk past it and not pick it up for me" like its my fault!
We explain to him that he can't behave like this and there are consequences to bad behaviour (loss of iPod,Xbox, clubs he goes to) but he lashes out at us that WE are unreasonable, and "treat him like dirt" . He is smart and has a counter argument when we try to explain why he is receiving a punishment.
We have both kids do chores for pocket money, but quite often he refuses saying "it's not MY job". Pocket money is then withheld and again, WE are the unreasonable ones.

Love him so much but really struggling to be in his company sometimes. I just want him to realise how he is around us.


ancientbuchanan Thu 31-Oct-13 21:30:54

There is a brilliant letter I've read from a teacher to a recently widowed mother of a teen just gone to secondary school.

It basically says he will be pretty uncertain, trying out all the boundaries, and a complete change from the lovely child you had. Just treat him with firm kindness and ignore the rest if you can or don't appear to pay attention to it. You'll see, he will be s lovely young man by the time he is 19 but in the meantime we are in for a thin time.

I comfort myself with that.

I also know, as we had/ have an incredibly argumentative child who tells us we are hypocrites etc, that

After a certain point reason doesn't work. I used the

That behaviour is unacceptable in any one. I love you but I do not like how you are behaving. When you have thought about it, we can discuss the issue.
I am not prepared to discuss the issue now.

I am your mother. I have a responsibility to bring you up. You may not like what I am doing but that is tough.

Followed up by the what's up doc approach, finding pit.what the trigger is, usually doing the washing.g up or something with no eye contact.

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