What motivates your Tweens?

[MrsShoutyPants]

Hi everyone, we've got into a terrible shouty vicious circle with our DD who is 12.5.

She has always been very confrontational and challenging - but this last few months the behaviour has been truly appalling.

I guess the last year has been stressful for all of us - we moved areas and she started y7 at a completely new (lovely) school, and DH had a major operation followed by radiotherapy (yes the big C).

She loves the new area, likes the school and has made some friends (not a natural strength for her) and DH is now back to work and building up strength.

She has so much and has a lovely life - but she seems to resent everything and craves negative attention. She says the nastiest things to us both just to get a rise - and when we manage to remain calm she will dance around us taunting us until she does get the big reaction she wants. We have made a big effort to notice her doing good stuff and make a big fuss about that instead - but it is honestly hard to find something good to notice!

The fact is she doesn't seem to care about anything, she never has really. We regularly confiscate iPad, phone etc - make her earn them back and then as soon as she gets them back she kicks off again. We've done sticker charts for at least 9 years on and off - no interest at all. She's now meant to be earning her pocket money by good behaviour - but for 3 days she hasn't earned a single token towards it. I've explained that I've cancelled her standing order and her attitude is "I don't need it - I've got £50 already" - which is true, saved from past months!

We've grounded her, cancelled trips and treats, confiscated things and still nothing bothers her - so my question is - what on earth can I use to get through to her?

[sensesworkingovertime]

Hi Shouty, sypathies to you, sounds like you've had a very bad time of it. Can I ask, when you DH was going through the midst of the illness/op how was she then, what did she know about it, did she visit in hosp? Has she changed much since, do you know the type of people she is hanging out with (just wondering if there are any influences there?
Sorry for all the questions!

[Sonnet]

Don't laugh, promise... But give her some time and lots of positive praise, laugh as a family, ignore her when she starts and gradually the child you knew will re emerge. I too have a challenging dd aged 12 .

[stargirl1701]

Is there anyone else who could have a word? Young aunt, older cousin, Guider, etc?

Have you read Raising Girls by Steve Biddulph?