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Can't handle this behaviour from my tween

(92 Posts)
iHeartTheoJames Sat 22-Jun-13 12:49:17

DD has always been strong minded but as she's got older her behaviour has been harder and harder to handle

I am going to try and bullet point it so it's clearer to read

She is condescending - "what are you getting upset over now?" "What have you lost now?"

Constant put downs, every dinner time she finds something to criticise, little put downs all the time, it's like she tries and make me earn her approval

The meals I cook have got to be her liking

She doesn't approve of my shopping "What did you buy this jam for?"

She steals and lies and then does elaborate theatrics to cover her tracks

Rude "I want you to wear your hair down, you look ugly with your hair up"

Nice as pie when she wants something, couldn't give a F* when she doesn't.

She is vindictive and lies to get me in trouble if I have done something that displeases her. She has almost got me in big trouble in the past with her fairytales

Constantly angry and resentful

An incredibly huge sense of entitlement

Does chores under duress. I ask her to please tidy the lounge for me and she tells me she has to do everything 'round here'. If I ask her to do something she tells me I do nothing and she has to do all the housework, doesn't answer when I pull her up on the inaccuracy of that. Any chores done, or cups of tea made, are remembered so she can then tell me how much she does for me

I find myself feeling so grateful during the short periods when she is sweet and nice. Find myself feeling so grateful when she considers other people apart from herself as it's such a rarity.

Is as sweet as sugar at school and with friends. I constantly get told what an angel she is!

Is this normal tween behaviour and am I just being over sensitive? If not, how on earth do I deal with this? I have tried 213 magic (which has improved things but there's still a long way to go) and also methods I read about in a book about strong willed children, but she's still so rude, lazy and entitled!

clam Sun 23-Jun-13 10:21:07

(are you being sarcastic??)

BrawToken Sun 23-Jun-13 10:23:05

No, not at all smile

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning Sun 23-Jun-13 10:29:18

Op it sounds more like you are describing an EA dp than a dd.

You mentioned you are a single parent. What is the situation with her dad, is he around, does she see him, is she blaming you? Has she learnt this behavior from him?

StitchAteMySleep Sun 23-Jun-13 10:30:18

I would recommend you read Hold Onto Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld. It will help you understand why.

MrsTomHardy Sun 23-Jun-13 10:30:53

So glad I found this thread.

It's geared me up to get tough with my 11 year old DS.
I know what I need to do but sometimes it's just so hard to follow things through sad

iHeartTheoJames Sun 23-Jun-13 10:43:33

Thank you. She has a problem with authority, has done since she started nursery. I followed the wrong advice early on from well meaning friends and 'professionals' who said if she felt listened to she would comply, all it resulted in was her running rings round me and it became much harder to establish better ground rules later on.

I have sat her down and she has written down a comprehensive set of house rules and expectations. She is now writing out a second copy for me to stick on the fridge while her copy goes on her noticeboard in her room. I am hoping that by writing it out a second time it gets committed to memory.

It has taken both her phone and her itouch being confiscated though.

She's got away with far too much for far too long and she knows how to play on my guilt to get away with things and also, I have so much going on all the time, I feel I can't fight the world outside and her inside so I have become passive out of exhaustion. I pull her up on things but not harshly enough. When I first started implementing the 123 magic method it was like I was counting to three every half hour! So it lost it's effectiveness, so I let some things go and as she started getting better I started getting stricter with the 123 and it worked well, but now she is slipping back to her old ways, every interaction is negative and it's constant stress. I am getting so depressed with everything. I need to start taking control, starting today with these rules.

iHeartTheoJames Sun 23-Jun-13 10:45:34

love I often think if she was a DP instead of a DD she would be given her marching orders pretty damn quick!!

Her dad isn't around, not heard hide nor hair of him since she was 3.

stitch I am going to check out that book now, thank you

valiumredhead Sun 23-Jun-13 10:46:19

Ds and I just had a run inhmm

He wanted one of us to run him down to tesco to get cooking ingredients for school tomorrow. He was really bolshy, didn't say please and was generally unpleasant.

He was given a warning by his dad to watch his manners.

He continued --the little git--wink

He was sent up to his room until he could speak in a civilized manner when asking someone to do a favour for him.

He came down nice as pie and his dad's just taken him shopping.

If we'd let it slide he takes it as a cue that we're ok with him speaking like that and he can continue and like someone said up thread (sorry, posting from my phone and can't see whole of thread when posting) I have FAR too much self respect to let anyone speak to me like that.

Madamecastafiore Sun 23-Jun-13 10:47:57

OP think of it like controlled crying. A lot of hassle and sleepless nights for a very short period of time brings lasting results.

I know a fab family therapist who never raises his voice, just holds up a hand and says clearly and firmly 'Its non Negotiable'

Try your hardest to speak loudly and clearly in an authoritative tone but not one that makes you sound as though you have lost control or she will sense this and start arguing.

It's really just breaking bad habits for both of you.

Good luck.

iHeartTheoJames Sun 23-Jun-13 10:49:24

Go Mr and Mrs Valium!

What's he making tomorrow?

iHeartTheoJames Sun 23-Jun-13 10:49:54

thank you Madame

valiumredhead Sun 23-Jun-13 10:50:13

I think the rules help, it helps to have something to refer to when they are kicking off.

And yes, of course they are hormonal and their emotions are all over the place but that's not an excuse to be rude. I see far too many friends whose kids are unbelievably rude to them and it's just met with an eye roll and muttering of 'tsk, hormones!'

Madamecastafiore Sun 23-Jun-13 10:50:35

I ignore mine Valium if they forget to say please or speak rudely, they never get further than asking for the third time before twigging!

Have had DS (8) say to friends that she can't hear you if you don't say please! smile

Madamecastafiore Sun 23-Jun-13 10:51:55

Exactly Valium, I am pregnant and super hormonal but doesn't mean I can opt out of being polite and respectful.

valiumredhead Sun 23-Jun-13 10:53:35

Thanks heartgrin

Again, what madam posted, it's short term pain for long term gain.

I do feel sorry for them though,I wouldn't be a teen againsad grin
Ds was worried the other day about his voice breaking and how he quite likes his voice and doesn't want it to change.

valiumredhead Sun 23-Jun-13 10:55:31

I have tried the ignoring but ds just became a master at saying please but on a really sarcastic tone insteadhmm grin

valiumredhead Sun 23-Jun-13 10:55:48

In not on

neolara Sun 23-Jun-13 10:58:18

Like others, I think the "getting a backbone" approach is definitely called for. But I would combine it with Lovebombing. It sounds like you and your dd need to reconnect in a loving way. Lovebombing may help you to do that.

clam Sun 23-Jun-13 10:59:46

"but ds just became a master at saying please but in a really sarcastic tone instead"

So you raise that eyebrow and say "Seriously? You think that tone's going to work?"

Benevolent dictatorship! You're in charge, but with their best interests at heart.

iHeartTheoJames Sun 23-Jun-13 11:01:50

I have another question

When you have confiscated all you can confiscate and they won't go to their room when you tell them to, what do you do then? There's nothing more I can do and she knows it so is just being openly defiant and doing as she pleases, with extra gusto because she's angry that I have confiscated her things

clam Sun 23-Jun-13 11:04:50

You stay calm and look unconcerned and busy with something or other. Do not start yelling - that's how she knows she's got to you. You just casually and pleasantly remark over your shoulder that the longer she stays out of her room not doing as you've told her, the longer it'll be before she gets her things back. "your choice, sweetheart." And continue to pretend to ignore.

valiumredhead Sun 23-Jun-13 11:08:02

Clam-ha, tried that toogrin he will argue with a brick wall that kid! Sending him up to his room works best as out instantly calms the situation down before it can escalate.

clam Sun 23-Jun-13 11:08:38

You see, I never shout. It implies a loss of control. And your number one objective here is to maintain control, even if it doesn't feel like it. You just have to get across that there's a core of steel in you that they're better off not messing with, in which case you'll be as nice as pie.

God, I sound a right old cow. I'm not, honestly, but I've never had any behaviour problems with dozens of upper primary classes over many, many years. And my own teens are sweeties.

clam Sun 23-Jun-13 11:09:48

valium don't argue! You'll never win with an arsey teen. Shrug and say "whatever" but stick to your threat.

valiumredhead Sun 23-Jun-13 11:10:12

I didn't know they're was a pre teens section, it just came up in my 'active'-I can see myself here a lot in the future as ds gets gobbier older.

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