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12 year olds - does anyone else feel this?

(57 Posts)
TheOriginalSteamingNit Mon 22-Apr-13 10:23:53

I don't know whether anyone saw this article on Saturday? Mine's a dd not a ds, but despite the slightly mawkish tone of the article (which I generally dislike in the 'a letter to' column), it really struck a chord.

I don't think I found dd1 so difficult, but am finding dd2 so arsey and stroppy and just generally feeling as though.... she doesn't really love me any more. I'm glum and (hate this excuse, but it's true) a tad hormonal today, and I'd love to hear from other parents of 11/12 year olds. I know she'll be arsey when she gets in from school, so I don't hurry to be home first. I know she won't really be grateful for anything I do, but I just pathetically keep on. When I suggest things, she never seems that keen. When I ask her to do stuff, she huffs all over the place. She's cutting and unsympathetic and generally gives the air of despising me - and it is me, it's not dp and not really her sister who get this.

She's doing amazingly at school - clocking up the merits, lots of good feedback, happy in friendship groups which she's broadened since starting year 7. I just don't think she likes me much, and to be honest, some days I struggle to like her. sad

TheWave Mon 22-Apr-13 15:37:22

I thought it was appropriate what Elliott said about them being lovable again when they are ill. They are so nice mean mummy

TheOriginalSteamingNit Mon 22-Apr-13 15:44:56

Isn't that what happens in 'We Need to Talk About Kevin' shock

But yes, they are - we played Pictureka last time, it was nice! Perhaps I could undercook the chicken tonight and she might love me again.... wink

MintyyAeroEgg Mon 22-Apr-13 16:11:38

I take it all back! Dd has come home in the sunniest of moods smile. She made me really laugh with her self deprecating comments about the scones she made in DT and wasn't even grumpy when I couldn't find any jam to go with them.

Love my little girl (even though she is an inch taller than me).

BeGoodElliot Mon 22-Apr-13 20:52:22

The idea of undercooking dinner really made me laugh! grin

Must be something in the air today, DD also came home in a good mood as she was presented with an award in assembly this morning and couldn't wait to show me. Perhaps she still hasn't fully recovered from her illness yet! wink

Startail Mon 22-Apr-13 23:55:16

Actually I'm feeling a bit of a fraud because for all her grumpyness, DD2 is better than when she was 10. At least now she doesn't come out of school in a massive grump or through a fit if the world doesn't revolve around her.

By the time she's done an hour on the bus she's happy to be back.

She will always be harder work than her sister because she fits in with her peer group, has friends and cares what they and the wider world think of her.

My dear quirky dyslexic in your face DD1 has never fitted in, on a good day her peer group ignore her, on a bad day they bullied her (I think her GCSE groups are much better). Home and her special non school friends are her sanctuary, for better or worse her family are her friends a lot of the time.

Strangely despite, or perhaps because of this, it is DD1 who has the deep self-confidence and feels no need for the teen limit testing, do you still love me antics of DD2.

bigTillyMint Tue 23-Apr-13 06:59:59

I know exactly what you are saying - DD is coming up to 14 and you just get used to it grin You learn to give them space and accept that the relationship is changing - she is no longer your little girl and you have to start treating her as becoming more of an equal (at least at timeswink) She was a really easy baby and child and has been a relatively easy teen, I guess. I think the 11/12 - 13+ was the most difficult as she went through the worst bits of puberty. And as Mintyy says, those sunny moments need to be cherished!

Actually, I think DD is generally a bit better at home (and having a lovely bf seems to help - she is always in a better mood when she's been chatting/out with him!)

However, I now have a 12yo DS who is hormone-city and eating for England. His voice is really loud (hard to volume-control on breaking voice, apparently!) and he is being soooo annoying - joking around and showing off..... Not grumpy yet though, thank God, apart from first thing in the morning!

TheOriginalSteamingNit Tue 23-Apr-13 10:45:53

My dd too was perfectly pleasant yesterday and this morning - to be fair, I don't worry she's a horrid girl, I just sometimes feel she doesn't like me very much!

Am very chuffed with her today because she's had the option of doing the Junior Maths Challenge at school, and last year at primary didn't get a bronze whilst some friends got gold - she knows this, and she knows maths isn't really her thing, and she knows she doesn't have to do it, but she's going to, which I think is fab smile.

Startail Tue 23-Apr-13 12:58:58

As for not liking you very much. You and, hopefully,her dad are safe to dislike as you will always love her.

BastardDog Tue 23-Apr-13 13:11:39

My dd is 12. She is a hormonal mess and so am I as I am going through the menopause. We really do rub each other up the wrong way a lot of the time.

I find myself avoiding spending time with her as she swings between being moody, moany and downright nasty, followed by needy and clingy.

Last night was a needy night. During the course of the evening she decided she was verging on anorexia and had gone off food; was self harming because she purposefully hurt herself in science to get out of the lesson and has OCD because she keeps checking the bathroom door is locked when she's in there. hmm it could be a long, next few years.

ChloeR32 Tue 23-Apr-13 17:45:19

Hi, well my 13yr old son has been/is a real challenge and sometimes frightening. it's only since posting here and reading threads like this that I realise how blooming difficult all this parenting stuff is. Its not like they sell it is it.
My son really doesn't like me at the moment and I have (lots) of moments when I really don't like him, but I'm beginning to wonder if we're feeding off each other and both thinking the same thing.
Its funny isn't it that all our DD and son's (I can't bring myself to write DS after the flaming row this afternoon) do so well at school and with other people and then morph into aliens when they get home. Who knew Harry Enfield was so wise?
Onwards and upwards I suppose.
Chin up and head into the wind...
and thank goodness I was encouraged to join this website!

t875 Tue 23-Apr-13 18:23:20

yeah walking on egg shells here too! Have to say though there have been some times where she has been too much and its tipped over the edge of the normal bit of banter and ended up losing her laptop so im hoping this is going to calm her down for now which it looks to have done.

If we say we are going out though all hell breaks loose that girl don't want to leave that room, she is turning into a mini hermit! grin Although i try and get her to get involved with family games, board or the wii, me and her go up the shops or the cinema if something good is on we have also been watching the great sewing B! And get her out to the park or down the beach, bowling from time to time too!

The hormones are a night mare though aren't they, its like they change complete person! haha! But then again she has some great times too like someone said i hang onto them grin


Jellykat Tue 23-Apr-13 18:52:04

I can tell you it is a phase..i have a DS2 who is 15 now and i can see light at the end of the tunnel, yay!... However i had the advantage of knowing what to expect as had already had the enjoyable experience with DS1.

I would say there's bugger all you can do, so try not to waste time changing tactics as there isn't a right one, just ride the storm, and be patient hmm as they definitely become nice again smile

ArthurCucumber Tue 23-Apr-13 19:02:09

Christ, yes. I have 11 yr old dd2 puff puff puffing around the house tonight, all because she HAASS to pack her bag, and then she HAASS to have a shower, instead of sitting with her nose in her phone. Because tomorrow she HAASS to go - down a coalmine? Nope. On a school trip which she always enjoys, to a place she loved when we were there before, with all her friends and a big bag of sweets.

She can see the dark side in everything. That "generally resentful and dissatisfied person" phrase, OP - that's my dd2. (And yes, she also has an older sister about to start GCSEs.) She refuses to try anything, and then gets all bitter and twisted that she didn't get to do it. And makes pointed remarks about it for the whole rest of the day, so that whatever we were doing becomes all about dd2 and massaging her ego. Gah.

Only thing keeping me going is that dd1 acted like a complete arse at her age as well, and is now quite pleasant.

Mintyy Tue 23-Apr-13 19:17:44

Oh I know I shouldn't but I am smiling at some of these.

My own darling 12 year old said something about her steel pan lessons at school today. I said "I didn't know you were learning steel pans how exciting!" (I do genuinely love and adore steel bands and she knows this) and she goes all eye rolly and "yes you do Mum, I told you ages ago, have you forgotten?"

So I asked dh if he knew (of course I knew he didn't because we'd have discussed it between ourselves) and he said no and she now blames both of us for independently forgetting that she was having steel pan lessons at school.

Does she think she's actually correct, or what? Anyway, I am letting it pass ...

bigTillyMint Tue 23-Apr-13 19:40:10

Hoh yes, Mintyy, never argue that they haven't told you something. It's ALWAYS your fault for not listening/rememberingsmile

DD and my goddaughter (who lives 200miles away) are dancing to Beyonce. On skypesmile

FernieB Wed 24-Apr-13 08:02:58

This thread could be written about my twin DD's (12). They are both (fortunately at different times) moody, sulky and cross with me. My Nan always used to say 'A mother's place is in the wrong' and I accept that now and automatically assume I'm going to be wrong and it'll be my fault. That way it's a pleasant surprise when I'm not grin

I should say they can both be wonderfully delightful and a lot of fun but only when they want to be.

MoreBeta Wed 24-Apr-13 08:36:17

Two classic examples from DS1 this week.

Goes back to school on Monday, flat refuses to take PE kit and sports shoes even though he is taking his swimming kit and his huge cricket bag with cricket kit in and hence putting the PE kit will take 20 seconds and weighs nothing. I back off despite advising him to take the PE kit 'just in case he needs them for athletics' and I get the look and huffing despite my good advice. He comes home last night. 'Dad I had to do athletics in my cricket kit today'.

Then this morning at 7.40 am 'Dad can you bake me a cake and bring it into school at lunchtime as we have a cake rota and its my turn today'. I say no but offer to bake one tomorrow (for 24 people) as he is going to dentist today and offer to email his form teacher. Apparently that is not a good enough answer.


SomeBear Wed 24-Apr-13 09:26:00

Ahhhhh. I've got a 12 yr old DD and have been reading these posts with a smile on my face. Unfortunately I've got no friends nearby to compare what is "normal" but it is reassuring to hear that I'm not alone.

She is mostly lovely, to be fair, but huffs and sighs and prevaricates when asked to do anything but text or Skype. Anyone else got a DD who leaves a trail of chaos on her wake? So far this year she's lost a phone, three scarves (including one of mine), a pencil case, homework diary and contents, a couple of jumpers... and she just doesn't care!

BastardDog Wed 24-Apr-13 11:04:13

My 13 yo loses lots of stuff. I started giving him a weekly allowance a few months ago and told him anything he lost needed to be replaced out of his allowance. Suddenly, he is not losing so much stuff. Funny that.

ZZZenagain Wed 24-Apr-13 11:10:45

dd is 12.5 but I don't get this yet. What she does sometimes is march about and slam doors. Dh is getting the backlash, not me so far and it does get him down. She can be so unresponsive to everything he suggests and does for her. She used to run up to him and hug him whenever he came in, they did a lot together at the weekends, even went on holiday alone together and were very close. I feel so sorry for him but I don't know how to help, although I do try and intervene and speak to her about it. She doesn't seem to consider his feelings at all but she does mine. We are together a lot, she and I but dh works very long hours and is away on business frequently so sees her less.

Not sure how it will all pan out.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows Wed 24-Apr-13 11:18:59

DS1 is 12 and a half. Puberty kicked in with a vengeance about three months ago. He is all over the place, tearful, stroppy, sad....Eugh. I am no longer allowed to touch him sad

SomeBear Wed 24-Apr-13 11:19:47

BastardDog - I've started taking contributions for replacement items out of her allowance after I added up what I'd spend on buying things twice and got incandescent annoyed. It hasn't worked yet, but she is having to suffer the indignity of a £4 mobile phone.

madamehooch Wed 24-Apr-13 18:40:26

Reading this thread has made me feel so much better.

My 13 year old DD changed overnight from a stroppy, huffy pre-teen who's stock answer to everything was "in a minute" or "I'm just about to do it" to a girl who would look me in the eye with real defiance and say "no!" It was literally a Kevin the teenager moment. She's glued to the phone, has discovered orange make up and hair extensions and is embarrassed by everything I do.

I think part of it is that they don't know who they are at the moment. Part of them want to be grown up and part of them would still like to be your baby.

All I can do is just take each day as it comes. I ask her if she's had a good day and if she's got any homework and then leave it at that. She then can't claim that I'm hassling her or that I'm not interested in what she does. I accept the fact that she wants to spend time with her friends and now offer to include them on some family outings.

Some days this works, other days I'm still the worst mother in the world.

I did show her on You Tube the moment when Kevin turns into a teenager. Think that hit a bit close to homesmile

Threads like this though are really supportive. The alternative is red wine.

Dancergirl Wed 24-Apr-13 22:32:42

I have a nearly 12 year old dd and I suspect we are on the cusp do this too. I don't know her these days, she's developed a real sarcastic/cynical side and at the moment, EVERYTHING is 'awkward'. What's that about FFS?

cjel Wed 24-Apr-13 22:39:06

its about growing up!!! probably having troublemat school cos theywill be taking it in turns to be hormonal!! try not to 'bite' every time and enjoy the coherent moments!!

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