'DD uninvited to a party' have I gaffed?(45 Posts)
Why are girls sooo predictable??? This is my first experience of this, and I think I must have gaffed, so your advice will be warmly appreciated!
DD1 has been 'not invited' to the class Queen Bee/Bully's party (girl has invited all of DD1's "group", and I fear DD1 is a rival Queen Bee). Then the next day the QB/B gave her an invite. So I said she was not going.
That should be the end of the matter, but QB/B tends to target parents so she and her little minions came up to me in the playground (I have a reception age DD2) and said 'Pleeese DD1's mummy, can she come to my party?' So I said, 'You didn't invite her.' She said she had. I said no, 'You did not invite her and then you invited her the next day. So she's not going.'
Mysteriously, QB/B has been nice to DD1 (never a good sign) and then she tried to approach me with her smiling Stepdad in tow - I quickly ducked out of any conversation at all.
OK, I know - parents should never, ever get involved, and DD1 (year 6) needs to make her mistakes. I also added a moralising comment to QB/B about making friends with people who respect you, not those who treat you well... ARGH. Can I do anything to remedy the situation? I do feel strongly that she should NOT befriend someone who plays games - that may be too adult a reading, though.
Step away, do not get involved. The biggest issues I have ever observed between groups if girls are when the parents are involved. Teach your dd about kindness and inclusion to all.
Can't say I blame the op for being protective of her dd! There is a huge difference between taking an interest in the dynamics of our children's relationships and being unhelpfully involved. I can certainly think of one of dd1's peers I'd describe as a queen bee.
I do think you went too far in snubbing her parent, though. If your dd wants to go let her, if she doesn't at least get a little present and a "sorry I can't make the party" sort of card.
It's not really about it being horrendous for the children involved; it's a terrible idea for the OP's own sanity.
What kind of sensible adult wants to be drawn into the group dynamics of 11 year olds? I hated school enough when I had to go; I have no desire to relive my primary school days through my children. They'll just have to sort out relations with their peers themselves.
By the way I have to go out now so will not be able to continue to chat. Good luck. Hope your daughter stays happy.
OP you know your daughter and the other child, and the group dynamics, better than anyone of the people on here who are being hysterical about you making ONE little remark to a
by the sound of it very knowing and trouble making 11 year old.
We know that the whole girls bitching and bullying each other thing is primeval, but why shouldn't a child, who does not know any better, not actually listen to the opinion of an intelligent adult? There is a chance that she might have actually paid attention to what you said to her, and felt chastened. Of course she might not pull this type of stunt on your child again, but she will probably move on to someone else.
Why are people trying to pretend that this sort of thing is not horrendous for the children involved? What would you do if you knew the teachers knew and had made a decision to stay out of it? Sometimes adults have to try to explain things. This is far more complicated than 3 year olds saying they had hold of the toy first.
11 year olds on their way to becoming adults and trying to work things out in the world. Adults have to teach them how to behave. If you were calm and polite I see no reason why you should not have explained to her that her behaviour was manipulative.
You haven't said very clearly what your DD thinks about all this - was she very upset the first day when she was deliberately excluded? Did she feel like she was being messed about when the invite came or happy about it? Did she / does she want to go?
Does this situation have resonance for you OP?
I have a 5 yo in reception, one day girls are best of friends, the next frenemies.
You are there to advocate for your dd, if she,s unhappy, but I think otherwise, step back and let them get on with it.
On the other hand though, yummum maybe the other girl's parents realised what was going on, had a word with her about that behaviour not being acceptable and were trying to get her to put things right?
OP if your dd would like to go, I would let her, unless you think her parents won't keep an eye on things, I suppose.
Initially I was going to say you gaffed but then I read that the other girl specifically said she was not invited. Really nasty and spiteful and it's tempting to say she's not going but I would leave it to your daughter to decide, they are so temperamental at this age it's best not to get involved......and no it doesn't get any better at secondary!!
I think the OP has had a hard time here. She realises now she's gaffed...I'm guessing the Queen Bee comment comes from reading Queen Bees and Wannabes, which is often mentioned on this site as a good read to understand the dynamics of girls' relationships.
I think the OP was defending her daughter and wanted to show the other girl that she knew she'd been nasty by deliberately excluding her the day before.
Take your lead from your daughter, if she wants to go then let her.
I'm having trouble telling apart the adults & the children in this story.
At least OP kind of half realises.
Just stay out.
Queen bee and rival queen bees and storms in teacups...
Yes, you are acting younger than the kids involved. To even think of anyone as a queen bee, or rival bee shows....ehm, confused thinking.
Oh dear OP. Your DD will do much better in life if you step back and let her run her own social/personal life. She will sharpen her own senses to these matters more quickly without you pulling the strings in the background.
Your comment about your DD being a rival to the Queen Bee is interesting.
^Totally agree with Venus Rising ^
I would discourage such close analysis of the friendship groups- it isn't healthy, and can lead to poor social skills as a teen.
Primary issues can overspill into secondary- and this is the last thing you want. Let her sort out herself what she wants to do and support her, it isn't about how you perceive her to have been slighted- you will make it ten times worth for her self esteem and confidence if you encourage her to think that this girl is slighting her through her party invitations.
Crickey, you seem very involved and triggered by this.
Fact is your Dd needs to forge her own life, and your job is to help her become independent of you, and to develop her own style.
Be a good role model for her, and graciously accept the invite. I think you were rude to be homest, to blank queen bees smiling parent.
It's best to leave all ishoos aside when entering the playground.
ohfunnthoneyface, I don't actually use those terms in convo with DD! Though obv bullying is discussed at home, and she never, ever stops analysing group dynamics (school stories are her favourite books right now).
Yes, politeness and manners are important, but ermm, that is why I blew a gasket in the first place, because it was a deliberate 'you are not invited' and I found it difficult to work out what the best policy is in such a situation (Is it polite to accept an invitation that is given by someone you don't like, begrudgingly and with mind-games? I guess we all have to work that one out for ourselves).
But yes, I should not have made the actual decision (throwaway comment over shoulder in the car), or engaged with the 10 year old in question, my mistake.
Yup, you gaffed but I can see how it came about. It would have been better for your. dD to say thankyou for the invite and either gone or not gone depending on her wishes. I would have explained to her that the QB is playing her (or similar) but I would have left it up to her.
I would have also spoken to the school and ask that they remind parents (and children) not to be obnoxious about party invites.
I wouldn't worry about it too much. You could always get your DD to give the QB a token present just to calm the waters.
She is what? Ten? Eleven?
You're doing her no favours to put such emphasis on group dynamics and labelling children bullies/queen bees.
It's not healthy, much better to set a good example to your child that politeness and manners are more important. It's better to be kind than to be right.
Yes, I do think the biggest mistake I make is being physically around (purely because of the younger one) and therefore getting sucked in. Mercifully, the change to secondary school should resolve that one...
I agree. You don't know the reason why she wasn't invited till the day after the other people had been invited. Did they actually say you're not invited or did she merely not get an invitation. You refused the invitation. This all sounds really silly and I don't know why you even got involved.
yes, you've gaffed, but i think deep down you know that , let her go. speak to the party girl, and or their parents and just blame it on crossed wires/thought we had something else on that day but now we don't etc etc.
i have a yr6 dd, and feel you're over thinking all this, not inviting her the same day could have easily been a genuine oversight, invite left at home etc.
Probably easy to resolve, DD1 hasn't brought hte invite home yet, so I haven't replied officially to anyone. No apologies necessary to parents (who are doing their best)... phew...
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