'DD uninvited to a party' have I gaffed?

[Displacementactivitybelle]

Why are girls sooo predictable??? This is my first experience of this, and I think I must have gaffed, so your advice will be warmly appreciated!
DD1 has been 'not invited' to the class Queen Bee/Bully's party (girl has invited all of DD1's "group", and I fear DD1 is a rival Queen Bee). Then the next day the QB/B gave her an invite. So I said she was not going.

That should be the end of the matter, but QB/B tends to target parents so she and her little minions came up to me in the playground (I have a reception age DD2) and said 'Pleeese DD1's mummy, can she come to my party?' So I said, 'You didn't invite her.' She said she had. I said no, 'You did not invite her and then you invited her the next day. So she's not going.'
Mysteriously, QB/B has been nice to DD1 (never a good sign) and then she tried to approach me with her smiling Stepdad in tow - I quickly ducked out of any conversation at all.

OK, I know - parents should never, ever get involved, and DD1 (year 6) needs to make her mistakes. I also added a moralising comment to QB/B about making friends with people who respect you, not those who treat you well... ARGH. Can I do anything to remedy the situation? I do feel strongly that she should NOT befriend someone who plays games - that may be too adult a reading, though.

[Displacementactivitybelle]

'not those who treat you BADLY' I meant! grr...

[Trills]

She has been invited to a party.

If she wants to go, let her go.

You say she was "not invited" the first day - do you mean the other children danced around saying ner ner you're not invited or do you mean that she just didn't get an invitation that day?

[ArbitraryUsername]

Oh dear. You are way too involved in this. Step back and let your daughter get on with her peer group interactions on her own.

[TeWiSavesTheDay]

You are the one making a massive issue of this. She was invited, she wants to go, let her go.

[ggirl]

you reverted to 6yr old behaviour

grow up and just let her go
learn from this and don't get involved

[Bluebell99]

So by not letting her go, your dd will be excluded and you are ensuring she is excluded on your terms? What does your dd want to do? I also have a dd in year 6 and if she wanted to go I would let her. Your plan may well backfire and your dd will maybe not be invited to future parties.

[EuphemiaLennox]

Blimey er yes you've gaffed.

You sound like a spiteful bitchy manipulative 11yr old yourself, and as yu are a grown women and not an 11 yr old that is v bad.

Moral high ground to them I'm afraid.

You seem too involved in the whole she's queen bee, my daughters a rival, no ones getting one over on us, im tellingmthem what for, type thinking, and it sounds very unhealthy and a bit weird.

[piprabbit]

She got the invite 24 hours after the children, so you are banning her from the party?

Let them sort it out for themselves because I can't for life of me think why you are so bothered.

[ggirl]

the fact you're talking in terms of queenbee and rival queenbee speaks volumes

[JustFabulous]

Oh dear.

I think you sound a bit too involved.

[Displacementactivitybelle]

Hmm, thank you. Will re-discuss with DD1, who doesn't seem that bothered about the party. I knew it was a mistake to even talk to the QB when she approached me - should have told her to discuss it with DD1.

There is a backdrop to this (girl in question is not the nicest, has hit DD1 "by accident" several times - several other parents have been in and out of the school to complain about her).
But thanks for calling me a weirdo! Much appreciated!

[ELR]

You are right you should not get involved but its just so hard.

This has happened to my dd a few times now with the same girl. I have told dd that I would not bother going but it's up to her she has always chosen to go and has had great time saying that she did invite her in the end so that's all that matters.
This year dd got an invite straight away and we couldn't go as we were away so no issue.(i did secrety take pkeasure in telling the Girl dd woulnt be able to come!)

I think it's just something they need to sort out and learn from themselves.

Dd is in a group of girls but doesn't quite fit(tomboy & a bit quirky)so is not always included in all their get togethers and plans.

I just tell dd that there are so many ordinary people(clones)in the world it's good to have a few non conformist, interesting people around which she just happens to be lucky enough to be one of.

[fedupwithdeployment]

Fwiw my DS's 6th Birthday party is next weekend. Being a bit disorganised, some of the invitations weren't delivered on the same day...no offence to anyone intended. I hope no one takes it that way.

[ArbitraryUsername]

The other girl's stepdad probably thinks you're utterly bonkers now. Just leave them to it and don't get involved.

[ELR]

I think you've all been a bit hard on the op she admitted she messed up in her post. It's instinct to protect your kids, it can't be helped even if you are a grown women some of these queen bees as she called them can be little bitches!

[pictish]

Eeeeek! You gaffed!
It's understandable that you should feel the way you do...but these are your dd's relationships to learn from. You taking the huff and forgoing the party on her behalf is inappropriate!

Sort this out.

[Displacementactivitybelle]

Sorry - to clarify: the girl deliberately excluded her from the invites ("YOU don't have one") and she and DD1 are regularly at loggerheads. It wasn't me getting funny about an oversight (I have had to deliver invites in batches sometimes too).

[Badvoc]

You are far too involved in this.
If your dd wats to go, let her go.

[NorthernLurker]

Did it occur to you that maybe the other child excluded your dd on accident or purpose then regretted it and was trying to make it right? By refusing to let her go you've enflamed the situation. i think you should apologise to this child and her parents tbh. i don't know what you were thinking but it certainly wasn't about how to behave like an adult!

[Displacementactivitybelle]

Probably easy to resolve, DD1 hasn't brought hte invite home yet, so I haven't replied officially to anyone. No apologies necessary to parents (who are doing their best)... phew...

[nipersvest]

yes, you've gaffed, but i think deep down you know that , let her go. speak to the party girl, and or their parents and just blame it on crossed wires/thought we had something else on that day but now we don't etc etc.

i have a yr6 dd, and feel you're over thinking all this, not inviting her the same day could have easily been a genuine oversight, invite left at home etc.

[Viviennemary]

I agree. You don't know the reason why she wasn't invited till the day after the other people had been invited. Did they actually say you're not invited or did she merely not get an invitation. You refused the invitation. This all sounds really silly and I don't know why you even got involved.

[Displacementactivitybelle]

Yes, I do think the biggest mistake I make is being physically around (purely because of the younger one) and therefore getting sucked in. Mercifully, the change to secondary school should resolve that one...

[ohfunnyhoneyface]

She is what? Ten? Eleven?

You're doing her no favours to put such emphasis on group dynamics and labelling children bullies/queen bees.

It's not healthy, much better to set a good example to your child that politeness and manners are more important. It's better to be kind than to be right.

[DoodlesNoodles]

Yup, you gaffed but I can see how it came about. It would have been better for your. dD to say thankyou for the invite and either gone or not gone depending on her wishes. I would have explained to her that the QB is playing her (or similar) but I would have left it up to her.
I would have also spoken to the school and ask that they remind parents (and children) not to be obnoxious about party invites.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. You could always get your DD to give the QB a token present just to calm the waters.