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DS(9) being 'left out' at school

(11 Posts)
MooMinCow Tue 16-Oct-12 16:30:07

hi, could someone offer some advice please? DS is a sensitive soul, not a rough and tough type of boy, not into footie/sports etc like most of the boys in his Yr5 class, so has predominately had female friends up till now. He also has one male friend in his class that he plays with and comes over etc.

He came home today and said some of his female friends are now leaving him out and 'doing their own thing', and that his other male friend sometimes plays with other boys in a game he's not into. I explained that as he gets older it's normal for girls to want to hang around together, and that it's okay for him to not like sports or play the other games with the boys, but he looked so sad about it, and told me that he's spent a lot of playtimes sitting on his own because no one will play with him. I realize it's not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things, but it BREAKS my heart, the thought and mental image of him being sidelined like this. I gave him a massive hug, told him I loved him and that he's unique and life would be v. Boring if we were all the same and liked the same things etc.

Am I worrying unnecessarily? Should I speak to someone at school about it? He does do martial arts outside school, but doesn't really have any friends there either, but it has given him a lot more self confidence.

lljkk Tue 16-Oct-12 16:38:14

Yes do explain to the teacher. 80-90% of success at school is about having a good social life. Teacher can't work miracles but they may spot way to help encourage friendships. Or have suggestions about other boys who are similar temperment whom your DS has overlooked but you could try to encourage a friendship with.

amillionyears Tue 16-Oct-12 16:50:57

Agree with what lljkk said. Also, are you friends with some parents,because it can often follow that their children might get on with yours.
Also, and I know this may sound a bit wierd,but are their some boys who look a little like yours.Sometimes groups of friends can look similar to each other.
How big is the class.Is it a class of 30?

MooMinCow Tue 16-Oct-12 17:17:29

Thanks lljkk. Think I will speak to his teacher. The boy he is friends with seems to be the only one with a similar temperament to him.

Amillionyears - we do know other parents, but unfortunately their DC's are all around my DD's age (4) as we moved here when I was pregnant with her. It's not a big class, about 24 I think, and DS is the only non-white boy in the class, so no, none of the boys look like him! (not that i think that is an issue in this case). It's also a small school with only one class per year. He used to play with the neighbours' kids, but again, the boys just want to play footie outside, and the girls chased him with a dog once (he's terrified of them) so he doesn't like to play out with them now.

lljkk Wed 17-Oct-12 18:52:54

I am bracing myself for very similar conversation with yr4 DS teachers. Problem is I don't expect them to be sympathetic (I don't think they are nurturing types of teachers). So I'm not sure what they can do but maybe they would see an opportunity for friendship encouragement that I don't know about. My older DC were all running their own social lives by now, urk.

MooMinCow Thu 18-Oct-12 17:19:13

well, I met with his teacher earlier and he was absolutely lovely about it smile. he suggested a few children DS might feel comfortable with, and will monitor the situation before we meet again in 3-4 weeks. he will also speak to the lunchtime supervisors and DS's previous teachers (he is new to the school) to get a better idea of DS's class friendship groups. He was thinking of discussing friendships in class anyway as there have been some issues amongst the cliques of girls, but it will definitely be discussed up to Xmas now.

Hope you get something positive from your chat Iljk.

thanks for the advice.

eightytwenty Thu 18-Oct-12 18:58:08

Hi. Identical situation here. Ds1 (8, now in p4) being rejected from his p3 (girl) friends. Only boy he has made friends with in school has similar play but very different behaviour (as confirmed by previous teacher). Been told by ds2 that ds1 has been playing on his own at playtimes.

Causing worry and heartache for us.

Bracing myself for chat wih teacher next term.

Were on half term this week and he has seemed a much happier kid.

MooMinCow Thu 18-Oct-12 21:24:12

eightytwenty - I was dreading talking to his teacher earlier, but he was v. reassuring and I felt so relieved after our chat. I hope your DS's teacher is helpful and reassures you too. good luck and please post an update after your meeting?

visualarts Thu 18-Oct-12 22:02:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lljkk Fri 19-Oct-12 12:50:06

Had my chat with DS2 teacher yesterday: she responded by quipping to DS2 "Aww, don't you look forward to seeing me?!" (I didn't mind). She suggested Aaron as a very nice boy (nice=boring in DS2's eyes!) and Tom (DS2 has assented to me giving Tom an invite). DS2 has jobshare teachers: one "old-school" and the other foreign-culture (I am foreign myself, before you guys bash me): so neither is prone to much English MC angst about other people's feelings, hence I didn't expect a soft-hearted approach. Still, at least I tried to make them aware & they may have some more thoughts about how to help him, upon reflection.

Funny enough I met DS1 (yr8)'s English teacher (young hip guy) last night & ended up telling him a tiny bit about how DS1 lost all self-esteem 3 years ago. It was a good chat & he was obviously very interested in the pastoral side of his job. Nice touch smile.

eightytwenty Sat 10-Nov-12 22:42:43

Had my own chat with teacher last week. She said all was well in the classroom (which is what previous teachers have said) but that she'd get the playground assistants to keep an eye on him. She's also had a chat with him after another occasion of him being excluded from a game.

Hope things going better with you.

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