Pre-schooler Development - A Father's Thought

[Vishess]

I'm a father and a scientist by training. The latter point will become more relevant in a moment.

I'm interested in what people do at home with their preschoolers to encourage their development. Here, I'm talking about the usual things you will come across if you do some digging: fine/gross motor control, sensorial, numeracy, literacy, emotional/social development, resilience/grit.

I imagine this sounds like a science experiment to some, it kind of is and isn't I guess. What I know, by reading over years of scientific research by World leading paediatricians and psychologists is that we should care about preschoolers development in these areas and we should do this by focussing on learning through play (I know, some of you are thinking, you had to read science to figure that out!? Haha). However, as part of our social-norm, we outsource these services through nurseries, etc. This isn't the answer to the problem IMO and we can't rely on this. So what do you do?

The thing that gets me is complacency. I get a lot of this form some close friends and family: "they are a three, let them be, it will be fine", "just leave them to it", "aren't they too young?". I'm really not talking about military school here haha.. I'm literally talking about things like: "here's are some blocks, have fun, create something - let you imagination run wild, now - pause for a moment, can you sort them in size order, and if you can't, that's OK, we'll try later". This process has major benefits for children i.e. fine motor control, spatial navigation which has been shown to correlate with future math and problem solving skills, creativity, building resilience (which has been show to be associated with "success" < let's not get in to show you define that, but just go with it for now).

So I'm intrigued, what do you do? What do you really swear by? Or if you don't do anything - that's fine too! In fact, I want to hear from you, why don't you do anything? I know you care about their future, so what is the reason for letting them just be?

Hoping for some really cool discussion here - call it a Father's day present and hope this question doesn't "rub anyone the wrong way" ;)

[MaidenMotherCrone]

How old are your children?

[Vishess]

Hi @MaidenMotherCrone :) . I only have the one at the moment, and he is 3.5years old.

[MaidenMotherCrone]

Ah well, come back when you've raised him to adulthood and then we can chat.

I managed to raise mine to be successful adults without reading scientific papers, sending them to nursery or hot housing them. One of them is a physicist.... fancy that

I gave them my time and raised them instinctively hth.

#mansplaineralert

[Vishess]

Haha - great point and I get where you are coming from - fair enough, you think that because I'm a man, I'm preaching and trying to prove a point. That is far from the truth but fair enough I should have expected that - great #tag.

Also, you clearly did something right then? (Although the definition of a successful human is a tough one - philosophical and subjective) but what's important is that you believe to have accomplished this, so what did you do? I'm interested, there must be some good tips?

BTW - as I put in my post "I know, some of you are thinking, you had to read science to figure that out!? Haha" - which speak to your point I guess.

But, I think you're missing the point here. People do not study children and their development for "lols" and come to conclusions overnight. This work is done to help better understand how parents and children can be helped - there are plenty who need it. Isn't that also the point of this forum?

Also, you raised yours with instinct and that's great. However, some of these studies followed 1,000 children for 40 years and pinpointed some crucial aspects which everyone could take something from.

So what did you do? What worked?

#mansplaineralert

[ForeverBubblegum]

I'd say a lot of the things you list will happen anyway, just through normal play. So with your blocks example "oh your tower fell down, let's put the biggest blocks at the bottom so it's more stable". It doesn't have to be a science backed or planned experience.

In our house we do a lot of baking and colouring in, these are both good developmentally but the reasons we do them is because DS enjoys them. He also likes anamal so has picked up quite a bit of anamal info while playing with his figures eg "let's keep the zebras away from lion, he's a carnivore" or "that egg must belong to lizard, rabbit doesn't lay eggs, they're mammals". Not particularly planned, but learning non the less.

I think the key is having an interested adult to play with / alongside, and the the learning happens instinctively.

[titchy]

Dude - most decent parents do this. Getting educational toys, playing with them them, role play, stories, Tumbletots, etc etc. And reading the small mountain of parenting books out there. You really are telling us stuff we know and think we don't. Which is a common trait in men- hence the mainsplaining hashtag.

Weirdly, there really wasn't much psychoanalysis or child development knowledge 40 odd years ago - at least not iin the majority of parents. But guess what - all the adults who grow up in that environment of ignorance have perfectly good fine motor skills, social skills, awareness (you might want to develop a bit of self reflection though ). We're scientists, educators, physicians, barristers and a whole host of other professions requiring all the skills we should have had actively developed when we were children.

[MaidenMotherCrone]

Op you keep reading those studies if you need help. Sounds very forced to me but hey if your not a natural parent do what works for you.

[Randomnessembraced]

I have 4 kids - youngest is 3. I am probably the most lazy with her. My older 3 all learnt to read with me phonetically before school and we had the number chart 1-100 up from age 2 so they could all count to 100 by 4 latest. Things I did regularly with all: read to them from birth every day, encourage puzzles, drawing etc, fine motor skills (things such as threading, hama beads, making play dough, slime, baking. Ask comprehension style questions on books from an early age and talk about characters from different books and dress up. Scooter/balance bike/gymnastics/singing etc. The younger 2 picked up musicality listening to the older 2 practise their instruments - I am now amazed how much young kids do pick up from hearing music regularly . Social groups for development, things such as swimming/gymnastics etc. Grew lots of fruit and vegetable and gardening - I think this really helps with understanding science and being interested in the world. Sensory play outdoors- sand/chalk/bubbles etc. Start talking about current issues from an early age, weather, on walks/seasons/family and friends - take them to museums etc. Encourage listening to Audio books (eg Julia Donaldson, Paddington bear etc). To be honest most of my friends do most of the above too! I currently only work part time and when my older 2 were in nursery they did all of the above there. Actually I believe the most important thing is to listen carefully to your child and try and answer appropriately.

[AnotherEmma]

Your child is 3.5 and you've only just realised that you can help them learn by playing with them?

What have you been doing for the last 3 years?!

I send my 3 year old to nursery so I don't have to overthink it too much, the staff are all trained in early years development so they can ensure the activities are educational and track his learning etc. All DH and I do is the usual parenting stuff and he learns naturally without too much pressure from us.

(I realise my comment is hardly a groundbreaking contribution to the thread; in reality I'm place marking for the inevitable fight )

[Randomnessembraced]

Here is a current website for you OP eyfshome.com with some lovely ideas. For example, go bug/bird hunting in the garden, ask child to close eyes outdoors and describe what they hear. Basically think of a topic and make it a game/fun and playful and your child will soak it up like a sponge.

[ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings]

"Outsourced to nursery" sounds like a not so subtle way of admonishing women for having the nerve to go to work rather than devoting every second of their lives to motherhood. If you want fewer children in nursery, I suggest you head on over to a male dominated forum and encourage the fathers there to retrain in careers with flexible hours, go part time, become SAHPs - basically engage in shared parenting with their wives in any meaningful way. I'm sure they'll appreciate your counsel as a father and a scientist.

[Vishess]

Firstly - thank you all! I knew criticism was coming. And that is fine! I love it. This shows me one thing, you are all passionate parents :)

@AnotherEmma - I've been working with my LO since day one - from sensorial, putting toys out of reached to help with tummy time and encourage mobility, through to doing lots of activities day in day out. However, re do have to realise that not everyone is a passionate parent and a lot of people I know really are not that passionate. I also agree in that nothing what anyone has said in here is new, including what I have mentioned. It's common knowledge - I agree.

However, this is the exact kind of discussion I wanted to get going and generating ideas at the same time. The point is, not everyone will have tried these things in exactly the same way - and that's interesting in its own right, right?

@Randomnessembraced your advice in particular is pretty awesome. Love the learning from one another and the social interaction led ideas. This point in particular hits the nail on the head " Actually I believe the most important thing is to listen carefully to your child and try and answer appropriately."

@MaidenMotherCrone, not a natural parent. That's an interesting one, considering that human's are hardwired to protect their young, teach, support and more. But some do need direction and we can all improve right? Isn't that why we read the books we read? Isn't that why you're on this forum? To share, to help, maybe even to learn something new and improve?

Also, @titchy your point on "environment of ignorance have perfectly good fine motor skills, social skills, awareness (you might want to develop a bit of self reflection though wink)" is a really interesting one. Maybe it is these functions that need less awareness? However, those with delayed motor control experience the World later and this does impact some children right? We get worried when our children start to walk late - although in many cases it's nothing, in others, it is serious. So how do you encourage activities to help those with additional challenges overcome these challenges such that they never feel the impact of any deficit?

Here's another interesting point - in these 11 messages - we've seen either different levels of practices or different levels of detail and our children are coming on OK. However, what would you classify as the top 3 things you would never change and tell your fellow parent you must do? I fail to believe that you should do the bare minimum and even if one classifies themselves as a "lazy parent" - I actually think you are epic and are/have been doing a lot more than you think. Also, if they don't have siblings and they can't learn off of them, should we be doing more for these particular children? (take my case for example, he's an only child ATM).

BTW - I'm going on the nursery run :)

[Vishess]

On know - I've made @ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings angry - chill out :) This isn't about men or women. It's about the children... moving on...

[userabcname]

Yeah I agree with pp - it's instinctive isn't it. If playing with blocks or lego you show them how to build them up and as they get bigger you let them build what they like and tell you about it; you encourage them to sort toys by colour/size; my 3yo loves counting so we do lots of counting games; we do lots of digging in the garden and sand pit; he helps with cooking and DIY jobs round the house and asks how things work so we tell him. It's obviously all playing but he is clearly learning as well. He's less interested in writing / crafts but I've bought a few things to appeal to him to do this (a Paw Patrol stationery set went down a treat!). It's all just general stuff / instinctive/ led by him (mostly). Short of shoving kids in the corner and ignoring them (which sadly does happen in some homes, I know), I don't know how decent parents wouldn't be teaching this stuff naturally.

[Namesgonenow]

What a strange thread. We are all raising kids. The best we can. We are, in many cases, professionals in various fields - covering various aspects of our kids’ lives. Some here are doctors some lawyers some mental health experts some are specialists in nutrition, some psychologists, some teachers, some carers, some linguists - I could go on. but we don’t necessarily post here in those capacities with descriptions of all the very many scientific papers we have read trying to quantify and derive some sort of systematic evidence from the forum. we just get on with things really in our professional and personal capacities and speak to each other online and off-line anecdotally. This is all so forced and weird.

[Atalune]

Nothing you have said is new. It’s all there in the EYFS and enshrined in the pedagogy. It’s also information given to parents via family, friends, the midwife, the health visitor, the GP and so on.

By all means though continue to tell us how to parent.

Parents are infants first teachers and they know that. They know how to play and interact with their babies and children. They watch and listen and interact. As humans we know what to do.

There are of course challenges surrounding that- chaotic families, vulnerable children, SEN issues perhaps and then of course busy parents and work/life balance. However the majority of children develop typically and with good outcomes. Often the children who don’t there are other contributing factors. If you look at the Sutton Trust or The Fisher Family Trust then you can examine the data there.

My strong takeaway though is that there are direct lines of correlation between poverty and educational outcomes for children when there are no other health/SEN issues.

[Atalune]

However, this is the exact kind of discussion I wanted to get going and generating ideas at the same time. The point is, not everyone will have tried these things in exactly the same way - and that's interesting in its own right, right?

No one will disagree with you as what you’ve said is OBVIOUS and the only discussion you’re going to generate is one about how condescending you’re being. Which to be honest is off the scale #mansplaining

[FrugiFan]

I think many parents do this without thinking. For example, I don't sit down and teach my child to count but when she was 2.5ish I started saying things like "let's count how many cows you can see" or "look there are 2 buses".

I don't think you need to specifically say "today we are going to work in gross motor skills", they just learn those skills through play and experiences.

[Mumdiva99]

I'm not really sure the purpose of your post. Do you want ideas? Do you want validation?

We (the MN collective) don't need to debate the theory of thus for no reason . .believe me I don't have time as I have kids to raise. However, giving you the benefit of the doubt that your rather clumsy post was a genuine ask for help..

The most important thing is to play with your child. Get on their level and play. Talk to them. Look at them. Communicate with them. Read them stories. Talk about the stories. Get them to do usual things around the house - please pick up the socks off the floor (bam....following instructions and physical skills covered). Eat with your kids. Talk them out and show them a flower growing, a puddle to splash in, another child to copy and talk to. Sing to them. Sing with them. Bash saucepans with a stick. Touch the mud. Let them see the world is comprised of different people going about their business in different ways. Watch TV together. Take them paddling or swimming. Then give them space to try all these things themselves again through play. So after a trip to the river and a picnic when you get home "Teddy and dolly want to go to the river. Can you take then? Pretend this is the river...."

And talk talk talk. Listen. And answer question.

[AnotherEmma]

Patronising much

[CarolineMumsnet]

Sorry to those who have posted here in good faith but we've got a couple of things we need to check out on this one - we'll be removing the thread soon while we do that. Thanks for the reports.

[ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings]

Hahaha, great reply OP. No attempt whatsoever to engage with the question of exactly who is supposed to be implementing this intensive learning program instead of "outsourcing it to nursery". Just straight to "calm down, love". Classic. Nevermind, as you were. I'll just be over here with my mansplainer bingo card. We've already had "angry women need to chill out" on page 1. I predict we get "hysterical" and "man haters" by page 3, and a flounce to NetHuns by page 5.

[ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings]

Awwww but Caroline, I wanted to fill up my bingo card

[Deadringer]

Learning through play is as old as the hills.

[Elisheva]

What’s interesting is that in all your reading/research you have completely missed a key area of child development, in fact the most important area in terms of future academic achievement, and that is language and communication. This is especially interesting because it is an area which is stereotypically weaker for boys and men. Instead you have focussed on motor skills and mathematics as the areas to develop in your son.