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Pleeease help me feel better about DSs behaviour at nursery/pre school.

(25 Posts)
madmarchhare Mon 19-Feb-07 14:09:57

DS started nursery two (full) mornings a week in Sept 06. He was 3 in December.

Nursery closed in January and he is now going to a different one.

When he first started at the old one he was playing up, testing every member of staff until he got the idea. They were brilliant and told me not to worry (in lovely sing songy voices) etc etc..

Since he has started the new one he has showed the exact same behaviours but the staff dont seem to 'get' him and they are making a huge song and dance about it everytime I pick him up.

In the time he has been there he has managed to start using the toilet reliably and has been really happy to tell me this when I arrive, only for it to be over shadowed by the telling off hes had for other things.

I have made them aware of how he was at the other nursery but they are starting to make me feel like the worlds worst parent.

UCM Mon 19-Feb-07 14:16:33

Mine 3.4 started in January. I know this isn't possibly the best advice ever, but it's worked for us.

Our nursery also started telling us what a little s**t my darling had been.

I take a lolly with me (one of those boiled sweet type ones Chuppa chops or whatever) and he only gets it if he has behaved. It works.

madmarchhare Mon 19-Feb-07 14:26:01

I tried that at the first nursery, to no avail.

Notquitesotiredmum Mon 19-Feb-07 14:33:37

Loads of sympathy - it's awful when a good nursery closes isn't it? We lost a lovely nursery and ds2 had to go to three others before I was happy again.

I would:

a) start looking for a new nursery, since you obviously aren't the world's worst parent! You were able to work with the old nursery at which - reading between the lines - his behaviour seems to have improved after a while;

b) explain to the new nursery, if you haven't already done so, that this happened before and that he improved, with a lot of patience and encouragement;

c) sound sympathetic to them when they are complaining. Whilst he is still there, they need to believe that you are supporting them, and you may be able to get through this phase together.

d) ask for a meeting with his key worker to discuss strategies, since the end of the morning, in front of your child, is not the best time to discuss his difficulties.

madmarchhare Mon 19-Feb-07 14:44:05

I am really trying to avoid another change. I suppose if things dont improve we'll have to look at that, but it will be a last resort.

They loved him at the old nursery, or at least I felt they did. They accepted him in all his glory and just got on with it. They just dont seem to want to at the new one iyswim.

It doesnt help when DH thinks Im being paranoid about it all either.

LIZS Mon 19-Feb-07 14:52:56

Do they tell you in front of ds ? If so I'd ask them to be more discreet. Remember it isn't you they are blaming just his behaviour, what does he do and how would you handle it yourself ? Could you discuss consistency of approach, for both good and bad , with them so ds knows that preschool isn't an opportunity to do something he doesn't at home. If you are seen to be proactive as regards ds' behaviour then you are more likely to get the staff onside, if they can't/won't, look for a new one.

Hattiecat Mon 19-Feb-07 15:10:46

i would also try to get a meeting with his key worker at a time (possibly at the beginning of the session) where he will not be able to hear what is being said about him (he may very quickly learn that he quite likes the attention being afforded to him at the end of a session even though it is negative). find out exactly what the nursery is finding difficult about his behaviour and exactly what they are doing to combat it. don't be afraid to say that you are surprised by anything that they tell you he is doing. then put some strategies together for coping with it together as a unit, this could be stickers, lolly as you have used. tell him at the beginning of the session that he will get the lolly if his behaviour is appropriate (or if he doesn't do whatever it is that the nursery don't currently like) and make sure that the key worker is on board and constantly giving him praise for positive behaviour. i used to work in a pre-school and we had lots of cases of children behaving like this esp when they first started - little blighters were often only seeing what they can get away with (completely normal) and soon settled. you could even try phoning to see how he is getting on (with his knowledge) which he and the nusrsery can use as milestones during the session.

madmarchhare Mon 19-Feb-07 15:14:09

They do tell me in front of DS, yes, and I have made it clear that he does not get away with this kind of behaviour anywhere else.

If he pushes, throws etc at home or elsewhere, he is warned once or twice, then removed from situation etc.. and I am consistent. He does know that its unacceptable behaviour.

He is a very very, shall we say, boisterous child with an awful lot of energy and isnt as easy as some kids to look after.

colditz Mon 19-Feb-07 15:18:47

When they moan and whinge about him at the end of the day, ask them outright what strategies they are putting in place to manage his behavior while he is in their care.

madmarchhare Mon 19-Feb-07 15:23:00

I think then, if there is no improvement after next weeks sessions, I will go for asking for a meeting with them.

Its so frustrating as I know he is more than capable and feel that it is the staff (mainly the manager actually) that are struggling with how to handle him, thus letting him down.

FGS, this was meant to be something for him to enjoy.

amidaiwish Mon 19-Feb-07 15:23:24

remember you are paying them a lot of money for expert childcard and they are meant to be the professionals

don't just take them "moaning" at you about him. Ask them for their suggestions... and set up a meeting to put together an action plan with them. you can't be expected to sort it out on your own.

amidaiwish Mon 19-Feb-07 15:23:55

childcare even!

madmarchhare Mon 19-Feb-07 15:24:33

x posts there.

Yes, good idea colditz. I have wrongly assumed that it would be appropriate.

madmarchhare Mon 19-Feb-07 15:26:01

amidaiwish, I do feel like that is what is expected tbh.

amidaiwish Mon 19-Feb-07 15:37:03

well just turn it back on them. i would say "i appreciate he can do x, y and z. what are your strategies for dealing with this?"
then you can discuss what you do... remove him etc.
but ask them first! put the onus on them to have a plan not just for them to do what you suggest. make them take ownership for it.

if they don't, i would move him. as you say, it is meant to be something they enjoy.

colditz Mon 19-Feb-07 15:42:00

That's ridiculous - what on earth do they expect you to do to a 3 year old to make him behave for 3 solid hours while you're not there?

Seriously, a mate had to do this with her son't playschool. They were coming to her at the end of each session with "he's done this, he's done that, this has happened, we've had such a bad day with him, wouldn't sit still, blahblahblah"

In the end she snapped and asked then precisely what they expected her to do about it? And if they had nothing positive to say about her son, don't bore her with the negative. She moved him to another in the end.

NAB3 Mon 19-Feb-07 15:50:57

I would remove him. If all they can do is tell tales on a 3 year old then I think they are acting childish. Kids play up, it is what they do. My daughter was in a playschool for about 5 months which was great for my son but not for her. Her new nursery got her immediately and have gone well beyond the extra mile for her. She now goes 4 mornings (I wish it was less) and she is very happy there.

Honneybunny Mon 19-Feb-07 23:19:26

Hi! Funny, I started a very similar thread a couple of days ago about my 3.2yo ds (He was also 3 in December). We didn't move nursery, but he did move from the 2-3yo to the 3-and-over room in January. Some of the staff in his new room have an attitude towards him that's very similar to what you described about the nursery staff in your nursery. I got some good advice on my thread, and as a result we'll wait and see how it all develops, but if things continue the way they are we'll also go to talk to the manager.
Hope things will sort themselves for you, but if they don't, do consider moving him.

madmarchhare Tue 20-Feb-07 10:57:40

Thanks for your posts.

Bad thing is, its the manager who I think is crap. She seem to intervene in a headmisstress kind of way when things get a bit tricky.

I rally hope their way of dealing with his behavour isnt going to stop what happened naturally at the old nursery.

He is there this morning. Im rehearsing my lines in my head.

ScottishThistle Tue 20-Feb-07 11:04:25

As others have said I'd request a meeting & ask how they are dealing with x,y & z behaviour...Perhaps they could start a star chart for your son, focus on the poitive not the negative?

ScottishThistle Tue 20-Feb-07 11:04:48


madmarchhare Tue 20-Feb-07 14:11:16

Well bugger me backwards, he was a star today! We'll see how it goes...

ScottishThistle Tue 20-Feb-07 14:15:26

Excellent, hopefully the beginning of great things!

madmarchhare Tue 20-Feb-07 16:37:24

Honneybunny - How are you getting on with it all?

Honneybunny Wed 21-Feb-07 16:38:23

Hi, thanks for checking! And excellent news that your ds was behaving so well. We decided we are going to wait and see: some of ds's (girl)friends have just moved up to his room, and we think that they might have a "calming effect". If things still don't improve we'll go and have a chat with the staff in the room first. The last thing we would want is for them to feel 'corrected' (which they might feel if we go straight to the manager) and start acting things out on ds. He's been at home for a couple of days now, as my mum was here, and today is his first day back in nursery. Dh dropped him of today, and apparently ds really hugged his friend (the one he fights with), when he saw him crying. I hope he's had a good day!

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