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I feel excluded from nursery because of dd

(22 Posts)
MissesBloom Tue 26-Apr-16 19:42:01

I might bu here not really sure.

Ds is at a school nursery at present and started in Jan (a late starter as he is August born and didn't want to rush him). Have had several issues with his school so far as I'm unhappy at the lack of information and in general a lack of support with issues we've had.
Anyway it became quickly apparent after him starting that his school do not allow siblings to come along with parents to various activities they hold. For example this week they sent a snotty letter home saying they wanted all parents to go and do a road safety course with the kids because they feel it's important were all there. Of course I'm not allowed to go with 6m old dd. I have no childcare. Both sets of grandparents work full time and live 14 miles away.

Now I don't mind not attending every single little event, however what annoys me is parents evening. I almost missed his first one because I have no one to watch the kids. I also missed the open day where they let the parents come into school and see what the kids get up to while they are there (again because of dd). Ds has now started asking why his friends mummies are there and I'm not sad. I feel so out of the loop with school and I have no idea what goes on there.
Went into reception today to speak to them and see if they could do anything and office lady said she'd speak directly to head. Office lady called me later on and just basically said 'if we let you we have to let everyone and it's not fair' and 'nothing we can do'.

I just feel generally pissed off at them now. Have asked a few people whove got kids in different schools and nobody else seems to have this policy and don't really get why it's a thing at ours. I don't want to keep missing things but don't forsee I'm going to be able to magically conjure up some childcare. I'm not even close to any of the other school mums and definitely don't know any of them well enough to leave her with them.

Anyone else have this policy at their schools? What happens to parents who don't have anyone they can rely on for childcare?

Imfinehowareyou Tue 26-Apr-16 20:44:58

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It does seem really unfair to your son. It's pretty usual for preschool aged children to have younger siblings. My preschool is very relaxed and understanding so this seems a very rigid view to take. I don't know what you can do if the Head has been so unhelpful. Is moving your son an option? We have no support so I get where you're coming from. Especially with not wanting to leave your DD with a stranger. Hopefully someone with better ideas than me will answer but I just wanted you to know that I feel for you flowers

Just thought - is there a committee or governors you can write to?

Cabawill Tue 26-Apr-16 20:50:37

Our school does this too. At the Christmas they actually removed one mum with a tiny baby from the audience before the play started and she was livid.

I can see both sides, if I'm honest. Do you have a DP who could help out with the important things like Parents Evening?

MissesBloom Tue 26-Apr-16 20:54:50

Thanks imfine

I just don't get it. I suppose if dd was a toddler I'd understand more (in case she was disruptive). But she's a very well behaved little lady and I feel so excluded and peeved that ds is always the odd one out.

Thankfully he's been accepted into our first choice school (not the one he's in at present, new one is closer) but still unsure if this will be the case there too as I don't know wether that's just a common rule or just our current school being a pita.

I am tempted to just turn up to the next event with her and see what happens (if it's an important event). What could they really do? I wouldn't do it if I had another option but I really really don't.

When we looked round for backup schools (ds didn't get into any of his preferences at first) we saw two and they both said they were happy to accommodate younger children and couldn't understand why we weren't allowed to bring her. It's so frustrating

MaybeDoctor Tue 26-Apr-16 20:56:03

That is appalling.
I am an ex-teacher and have conducted SEN reviews, SLT meetings with parent governors and many, many parents' evenings with parents' babies in arms/prams/carseats and on laps. What is the problem?

Next time, just take the baby with you. What are they honestly going to do?

LIZS Tue 26-Apr-16 20:56:55

Given that you will have years of this ahead I think you need to find a few local babysitters. Alternatively with enough notice would your dh or the gps be able to take time off.

MaybeDoctor Tue 26-Apr-16 20:57:33

The only thing where I would draw the line is parent helper on a trip, because you need parents to be supervising other children within a particular ratio.

soapboxqueen Tue 26-Apr-16 21:01:46

I think for performances/assemblies etc I'm with the school. It's really distracting for the children if there is a baby crying out toddler being a toddler. You'd be surprised how many parents just sit their grinning while nothing can be heard over their child screaming.

However, for information evenings and particularly parent evenings, I think it is discriminatory.

BrandNewAndImproved Tue 26-Apr-16 21:02:06

How crap! Our school positively encourages siblings to come in and put on a special race at sports day for the younger siblings and do a nativity in the afternoon where younger siblings can come.

I'd be looking to change nurseries tbh, ialso worked in a nursery before and parents brought their other rdc in when doing special days and events.

MissesBloom Tue 26-Apr-16 21:02:07

Dh runs a company so does very long hours. He works 6 days a week and can't do anything during the day. He took dd for me for the parents evening so that I could go but of course this meant he missed his little boys first ever parents evening. Felt awful for him he really wanted to be a part of it.

I couldn't even get the head the head to give me a phone call to discuss this with me. She got the receptionist to call me and say no angry. I didn't press it as I was unsure if I was being a bit moany blush. Just seems unfair really. I am tempted to take her. She is very happy to just sit in her pram and I don't know what they can really do. I could just say baby sitter cancelled with a cheeky grin!

Imfinehowareyou Tue 26-Apr-16 21:06:00

In my DDs school they do what MaybeDoctor said and don't let younger siblings accompany parent helpers. However, assemblies/open days etc are all open to the little ones. Even on parents eve they put out a box of toys. This year they did a specific showing of the Christmas play for toddlers to attend and kept them out of the other showings, but at least they made sure to include them.

Smartiepants79 Tue 26-Apr-16 21:06:10

I've never come across a school who completely refuses to have parents with younger children through the door?! How can it be ok fora parent to not attend parents evening becuase of a sibling?
Most schools might try and dissuade parents from bringing small children to certain events and would expect screaming kids to be removed if needed. But to simply say they're not welcome at all is bonkers. Where to they think the next lots of kids for there school is coming from?

MissesBloom Tue 26-Apr-16 21:07:19

Glad not just me that thinks this is discriminatory.
Would think about taking this further again but as we will be putting him into a new school in September not sure if it's worth getting wound up over.
Definitely need to sort some kind of childcare but seems crazy to have to pay someone to help when it seems a lot of schools are happy to include the little ones rather than ban them entirely. It's just mean!

MissesBloom Tue 26-Apr-16 21:09:37

Smartie you've hit the nail on the head. The babies will be the next ones to go to the school so why are they not welcome?
A blanket ban seems very ott imo

Ditsy4 Tue 26-Apr-16 21:23:33

Do you have any friends who could do it? My friends and I used to take both lots of kids. We asked for appointments to support this. Neither of us had family then a third mum joined us. The three of us helped each other out. Dropping off , picking up, Parents evening.
Otherwise what about an agency annoying I know but paying someone does get you there. If you like the sitter you could ask for the same one and build up a relationship with them. That way your child would be happy and you could attend.

WhirlwindHugs Tue 26-Apr-16 21:43:31

That seems very unfair. I would have very rarely made it to anything at preschool if this was the case at my DCs preschool. At one meeting I went to recently, virtually every parent had a younger sibling with them, there would have been hardly anyone there if they weren't allowed in.

Arranging something with another mum seems like a good approach if the school won't budge.

MissesBloom Tue 26-Apr-16 22:07:08

Well the thing is I don't really know the mums yet. This is partly my fault for starting ds half way through a school year as everyone seems to have formed cliques. I do speak to some of them but don't really know them enough to take dd yet. Also they often attend the same things at the same time as me (unless it's parents evening). At least at new school there is no nursery so almost everyone will be new (except for siblings).
I just thought this was what schools do now. It's so infuriating. My mum did take one morning off to help once but had to take annual leave to do it which I don't think is fair so can't really make a habit of it.
Will make sure I get in a clique nice and early this September wink

nicp123 Fri 27-May-16 19:27:40

I agree with the non-babies & toddlers school policy to be honest. Teaching staff and the pupils spend important hours rehearsing, preparing for concerts or meetings... having them disrupted or spoiled by screaming babies & toddlers wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be fair on you either because a baby as you know can be very distracting.
Have you tried finding a childminder? I remember when mine were little, the school's office staff were very kind providing me with a list of local CRB checked childminders. Good luck!

uhoh1973 Fri 10-Jun-16 13:33:51

This is tricky and I see both sides. We have a toddler too. Our school puts on a daytime school play to which younger siblings can be taken but most school events are open to babies etc. The snag is there are parents who have badly behaved kids (I'm not suggesting this is you) but the problem is the school can't discriminate. We have a parent who has no control over their 3 year old so all school events are dominated by his thundering around and shouting. Its difficult for them to exclude this child without excluding all siblings so I do feel for the school. For the parents evenings could you not do a deal with another parents and take turns to watch one another's children? We have no parental support so have had to get a babysitter on more than 1 occasion. We have another family who we share childcare with whilst doing stuff for the PTA (and the kids love it!).

MissesBloom Wed 15-Jun-16 00:00:35

I completely see that this might be an issue. That's why they ban siblings...because of the little ones who are badly behaved. I think it's incredibly unfair when you have parents who are responsible and would of course remove themselves if their younger children were playing up. I am one of those parents and dd is fantastic. I'm very lucky she is a contented little girl but I'd love to be given the benefit of the doubt rather than my son have to be the one who misses out on his mummy coming to see his work, or doing the road safely with him. It just doesn't make sense that because some parents don't remove themselves when babies or toddlers are making noise that everyone else should lose out including the school aged children.
I wouldn't consider a child minder because I can't really afford it and also dd hasn't even been left with my own family members yet so I'm not ready for her to be left with a stranger. Sure she'd be fine (more my concern than hers) but have never had help with either of my kids other than my mum who I trust implicitly and i would rather not go than leave her with a child minder.

Some of the other mums in a similar position to me apparently eithe turn up withwith the baby anyway or take their older child out for that day so that they don't end up being the only child at school without their parent in attendance . I will be doing the same next time if it's for something that isn't overly important. I probably wouldn't just turn up with dd though as I'm not one for breaking the rules grin

Thankfully ds got into a school where siblings are very welcome and she's coming along with me tomorrow to meet his new teacher etc. Don't see how some schools manage it but others can't. Just silly imo

Pico2 Wed 15-Jun-16 00:14:07

We're really lucky - siblings are welcome at most things. Pupils can go to parents evening (and so can siblings). The school has even run a crèche so that parents could attend an important meeting.

MissesBloom Wed 15-Jun-16 00:16:34

Pico that sounds like a fantastic school. That's how it should be. I've never understood a child not being able to attend a parents evening that is there to discuss them. Very odd.

I think ours is in the minority (thank god).

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