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Am I being over-protective??

(22 Posts)
Myb0yrulez Sun 18-Jan-15 23:37:35

Hi Mums out there, bit of advice please as I am a first time mum and unfortunately just don't know everything smile

Basically we have moved to a lovely suburb with a lovely school with great grades and lots of happy kiddys, there is a pre-school on the school premises, not linked but you know the drill, it's next door, most kids go from pre-school to school.

I started my son a while ago, I stayed with him the entire time to make sure he settled and to check it out. It was ok, the kids were settling in (first week) One child was wandering around crying on and off, I found him at one point and told a helper and she looked after him, when his mum came to collect him at the end of the day he ran over to her like he had an awful day and there was a particular lady who said ahh, it's just pantomime, but he had genuinely been upset. Then there were some young ones on and off crying who were getting hugs from the nice staff members but at storytime this same lady said "that's enough now, stop crying" to them, which I thought was harsh and there was a boy who walked up to a train set and kicked gently one of the pieces and the same woman said don't do that with a raised voice and a pointed finger fairly close to the boy, it came across a bit intimidating and not my style, I would have told her not to do it in a less intimidating manner and explained why.

I didn't carry on with this pre-school but made the decision to try it again with an open mind in Jan so that little one can make some pals but this woman doesn't help them to settle, the first time my son saw her since Jan, she made a bit of small talk to us then when he coughed (fake cough, it's his new thing) she said "we like to put our hands on our mouth, can you do it," he looked a bit scared of her and came to cuddle me, I thought that the first time you meet a child and need to settle him into nursery, you don't need to be drilling in the manners and discipline straightaway, my priority would be get him settled then bring up things in a positive manner, we do the manners thing but you know what it's like, kids forget and he was just playing anyway...and then later on he climbed on a low table and lay on it on his tummy and she told him to get off it in a raised tone, I just lifted him off and explained why later he's a bright kid.

But it's not about the discipline as that is important, but my style is talking to him and explaining why not to do things rather than barking orders, a he really is a good child and I don't have any discipline issues, I fear that this abrupt old school manner will make him nervous and put him off school all together. (I'm sure she is very nice really and I know that everyone is different).

Most of the staff are a lot more 'nicer' to the children I get the impression that this staff member takes the role of the disciplinarian, she has worked there a long long time. I think that she is the old school sort but I don't know how that matches to my child and what he is used to, which also works for him too.

My other worry is that is was bitterly cold outside, probably not much above freezing and they all went out with no hat or gloves, they had coats on but one of them wasn't fastened. They are busy (very busy) so maybe it's not feasible but it would concern me.

Should I be concerned or am I being over-protective, would love some replies from mums who have been there done that bought the t-shirt.

Thank you!!!

insancerre Mon 19-Jan-15 06:58:59

You are being overprotective
Discipline for preschools is different to disciplining your own child
Part of preparing for school and life is following instructions and knowing the rules
If they were too busy to do up coats then how do you think they would have the time to explain why we musynt climb on tables
If this woman has been there Yeats then she probably knows what she is doing
I expect she felt a bit frustrated watching you and your son. I've stood by plenty of times watching ineffectual parents with badly behaved children. Good on her for saying something.
Why don't you look for somewhere else?

Myb0yrulez Mon 19-Jan-15 09:56:11

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

APlaceInTheWinter Mon 19-Jan-15 10:07:14

In my experience pre-school year is different from nursery so how your DS behaved at nursery might not be relevant. There is usually more free play when they are at nursery and tbh less expectation of them following instructions/sitting quietly, etc, ie all the behaviours they need to learn for school.

This is the time when you really need to focus on trying to get your DS to know how to fasten his coat, to remember to put on his gloves, which shouldn't be a problem since you've said he's a clever little boy.

School can't give DCs the one-to-one attention that you've been able to lavish on your DS so pre-school is a good opportunity for your DS to learn to adjust to the kind of interaction he's more likely to receive at school. So, yes, I think you are being a bit pfb about it all.

Myb0yrulez Mon 19-Jan-15 10:28:31

Thank you, I appreciate your feedback X

sliceofsoup Mon 19-Jan-15 10:39:36

You are being overprotective and quite frankly ridiculous.

Climbing on a table is dangerous, not only for your son but for other children in the class, and it needs a swift, sharp response, both to deal with it quickly and to convey to your son that this is unacceptable.

You may chose to explain everything in detail but in a class with lots of little ones roaming around there simply isn't the time. I suggest that you allow your son to get used to this environment without undermining the teachers and other staff, as life is rather like this, and he had better get used to it now.

If you do not want to do that, then send him to a private nursery where you approve of their methods, or home school.

As for staying the whole time and alerting staff to upset children, I am sorry but that is absurd. They have a job to do. It is upsetting for children, but in more cases than not, pandering to it makes it worse.

I think you need to toughen up if you intend to send your son through the entire school system.

Honeydragon Mon 19-Jan-15 10:46:27

Pre school is called that for a reason. It is to help prepare children for pre school.

You are being extremely unreasonable toward the care worker. She ASKED him if he could put his hand over his mouth and explained why.

Climbing a table is dangerous and unacceptable, no exceptions.

I think unless you unclench you are going to have massive issues with any formal environment for your child.

SavoyCabbage Mon 19-Jan-15 10:51:12

I think everyone thinks their own child is well behaved when they are just at home with them. They get to do what they want to do a lot of the time. If they want to play with the train set for three hours then they can for example. I tried to prepare my dd by not letting her have the play doh out when she asked and not reading the same book three times. Things like that.

I think the lady was completely right to tell your ds about putting his hand over his mouth. And obviously she was right to tell him to get off the table.

Just go somewhere else if you don't like the feel of it.

NannyNim Mon 19-Jan-15 10:52:25

Talking to a child in the way you describe has never been my style - even when I've worked in nurseries and pre-schools. If it's very busy you may have to raise your voice to be heard from a distance/over loud, excitable noises but it doesn't take a minute to shout "Freddie! Off the table!" then go over/call him over and say "Freddie, we don't climb on tables because we might fall and hurt ourselves". I find you get much better results from being firm but that doesn't mean you have to be cross. I've had plenty of teachers like that and they just made me scared and miserable.

Having said that, the other, more friendly staff have always made up for that. If she has been there years then she may well not be as bad as she appears. Perhaps she was putting on a show for you - trying to look in control and to show that discipline and good manners are encouraged?

Pre-school is different to a nursery and while it's still very much play-based there are higher expectations and a focus on school readiness so your DS will be expected to listen to and follow rules (perhaps with limited explanation) and take responsibility for dressing etc (though nursery do have a responsibility for making sure dress is appropriate and properly fastened etc)

I think you'd be hard pressed to find a pre-school where there wasn't a member of staff or two who were firmer and "scarier" that the rest but it should only be a concern when this shoutyness seems to be the philosophy of the whole setting. But if you prefer the private nursery then take him there. He won't be the only one at school who hasn't attended the pre-school and will settle and make friends in no time!!

Myb0yrulez Mon 19-Jan-15 11:13:57

Slice of Soup, I was not pondering to an upset child, the child came up to me specifically and as I am not a staff member I felt it was appropriate to take the child to a staff member in the situation, I don't go round looking for upset children.

sliceofsoup Mon 19-Jan-15 11:28:01

Then there were some young ones on and off crying who were getting hugs from the nice staff members but at storytime this same lady said "that's enough now, stop crying" to them, which I thought was harsh

I was referring to this part. You think she was harsh. I think that at some point the pandering has to end.

I am not really sure why you seem to think you know best compared to all these members of staff that take in a new wave of upset and scared little children each year. I can understand that it isn't nice to have to let go, and leave someone else in charge of your son, when he is still so young. I went through it all with my eldest, and I will go through it all again in a years time when my youngest starts nursery. But at some point you need to let go and realise that him being told not to climb on tables is only going to benefit him in the long run.

I also think you will find it very difficult to find somewhere that doesn't have that one member of staff that is stricter than the others. I am dreading my eldest going up into next years class as that teacher seems like a complete nightmare. But it has to be done.

Firstly my child is definitely NOT badly behaved, he does loads of activities and has attended nursery and they have always commented on what a happy well behaved boy he is so do not say such a thing.

This kind of attitude is not going to help you. Seriously. You need to be prepared to take feedback on your child without reacting like that. In my book climbing on the table is bad behaviour. Yes it could be put down to excitement at being in a new environment etc, but it is still unacceptable.

Messygirl Mon 19-Jan-15 11:38:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sprinkfest Mon 19-Jan-15 11:41:18

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Myb0yrulez Mon 19-Jan-15 12:57:46

Slice of Soup, if you can read properly I didn't say he was climbing with his feet he was lying on his tummy and it was a foot high, even still I do not have a problem with discipline as long as it isn't barking orders, done in the correct manner discipline is important.

Thank you Madrigals, you sound like a responsible caring parent. I know someone who had a bad experience in school so I am just trying to give him the best start.

I will not be checking the post again.

insancerre Mon 19-Jan-15 13:15:26

I missed op's reply to my post before it was deleted
Wonder what she said?
I was too busy at work barkig orders at toddlers

Honeydragon Mon 19-Jan-15 13:55:33

I think understanding an individual child means letting them know that being on a table is unsafe and unacceptable, tbf.

I missed it too Sancere, but I think we'll have to just trust in the judgement of MNHQ, that the op misunderstood the guidelines wink

Messygirl Mon 19-Jan-15 14:23:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sliceofsoup Mon 19-Jan-15 14:23:54

I'm not really sure why that post was deleted. AFAIK it didn't obviously break the guidelines.

As for this

Slice of Soup, if you can read properly I didn't say he was climbing with his feet he was lying on his tummy.

Climbing on a table is climbing on a table regardless of how high it is or what body part is on the table. And I can read. Though I am not sure why there is a need to give personal insults.

You asked are you being overprotective, and you have been told you are by the majority of posters that replied. You have reacted defensively to those posters, insulted them and discounted them. You have then picked the replies you want to listen to, that validate your behaviour, and now won't check the post again.

It is simply bizarre. I hope that once you have calmed down you will come back and post again and take on board what has been said. The world of school can be very daunting the first time round.

sliceofsoup Mon 19-Jan-15 14:28:14

And can I just add, that the staff members tone may have been harsh, or the OP may have deemed it harsh. Judging by her reactions on this thread, those two scenarios could be very different.

Messygirl Mon 19-Jan-15 14:30:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Honeydragon Mon 19-Jan-15 14:51:41

We encourage the children in preschool to try and do up their coats. Then help if they are struggling.


If they can do them up they can undo them wink. In places I have worked deemed outstanding we've often had running children with flapping coats. usually repeatedly five minutes after doing them up again. We've not yet lost one to frostbite or hypothermia. grin

Also in regards to hat and gloves, we request they are present and have spares as they are often not supplied by parents. Just like parents at home we use common sense as to whether they will be required smile

I find it hard to be emphatic to the op as she's judging treatment of children that the staff member may well know better than she does, and I don't think a "raised tone" equates speaking harshly. I took that to mean the op did not like her child being loudly singled out, to get down from the table. I should imagine I often to use a raised tone when I'm worried about an action that may be about to cause harm if injury, I'll still explain why they need to stop, and I'm always on hand with cuddles.

KatieKaye Mon 19-Jan-15 15:03:51

She raised her voice presumably to make sure he could hear and told him to get off the table. I don't think that is wrong at all - your son should not have been using the furniture like that. What was wrong was you then going over and lifting him off, rather than telling him to get off the table too - with an explanation if you felt it was necessary, although surely he knew you don't lie on tables?

You say you are worried that this "old school" manner will make him nervous and put him off school. But have you ever considered your very obvious fears might do exactly that? he wil be able to sense your nervousness. I could be reading your post wrongly, but it sounds as if you were the only mum to stay for the entire first session.

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