Advice for single mum & pre school. PLEEEEASE

[umpalumpa]

Has anyone got any advice/tips on what I can do or say to my ds to help him settle in pre-school. Or at least share your experiences cos the rest of the mums & kids there don't seem to have a problem as such.

My ds started pre-school last week & its been a
nightmare!!!!!
He has cried & screamed & refused to leave the door i exited through until i return. Thus he hasn't lasted over 30 mins yet before they call me back.
I'm a single mum & he has spent 99.9% of his time with me since day dot, which now i know wasn't a good idea! Hindsight eh
He is only 2yrs 3mths & it could be he's just too young but he's otherwise a confident & socialable child so I thought he was ready for the pre-school experience.

Does anyone know an appropiate way i can explain to him that i'm not going to leave him there other than the "i'm going to the shops & will be back soon" statement?!
All tips greatfully & eagerly received.

[Donbean]

I would just stick it out to be honest.
My ds was 2yrs 2 months when he started and needed to be pealed off me crying for the first few weeks and now that he is 3yrs 3 months, he still does this at the start of term for a week or two.
Its a normal reaction to a "different" routine isnt it.
I just tell him that im going to get a cup of tea then i will come back for him.
If the nursery are any good, they will cope well with this and will instigate good diversional tactics.
It is also reassuring that they call you back and dont allow him to be needlessly upset.
Just stick it out, nursery is so good for them in every sense and is worth the initial upset IMHO.
HTH

[umpalumpa]

Thanks Donbean your reply has made me feel sooo much better, the nursery had suggested today that they would keep his place open till after christmas which got me thinkin - oh no he must be really bad & i'm unecessarily traumatising him. So i'm glad you think its normal & your ds was the same.

I'll stick it out till the bitter end. Thanks again

[sorrell]

Does he need to be there? Do you want him there? If not, and he doesn't want it, maybe he's not ready yet. You could try again after Christmas or wait until he's three and take up his free place at preschool. Or maybe he just doesn't like this particular nursery and would be happy at another one. Personaly I regret not pulling my two year old out of a nursery he was unhappy at quickly enough.

[umpalumpa]

He doesn't need to be there (i'm one of those stay at home mums) and i only want him there if he's happy but it's like ~ how do you judge if a two year olds unhappy or just flexin their proverbial muscles - this is the dilema thats bothering me.
I stayed with him one day last week and he was fine as long as he could look up & see me from time to time which makes me think its not the place more the separation.
But what were the early signs that you felt showed your 2yr old was not happy.

Is it worth taking the risk to upset their lives at such an early age or am i just a big softy.

[magicfarawaytree]

stick it out definitely my dd did not fully settle into preschool until the easter term. she wanted to go but seemed to lack the confidence to seek out other children to play. some of the boys cried for their parents until around christmas but by the end of the first term many of them only did it when it was time to go home. I used to get there early and they would still be on break and they would all be playing happily fast forward to coming out to meet parents and they were bawling again.

[Mala]

I think firstly you need to decide if you are happy with the preschool. It really can make a difference on how easy it will be for your child to settle in. If you are happy with his pre-school, then maybe you could arrange some playdates with other children, so that he gets used to some familiar faces. It is completely normal for you ds to take time to settle down. I'm not a single mum, but my husband works away and my dd was very attached to me. It took 6 weeks for her to stop crying when I dropped her off. It is heartbreaking, but I promise it will get better. I think a few hours away from you will do him no harm and I'm sure you definately need a break too.

[Loshad]

I personally think that 2y3m is a really bad time to try leaving them for the first time - it works ok if you've been doing it since they were tiny, otherwise i would be very tempted to leave it until after Easter, so that he is much older, hopefully forgotten about this trauma and just grown up a bit more, or else ask if it's ok if you stay with him for a considerable time - weeks rahter than once or twice. does he go more than once a week, because at that age a week is a long time to remember that this thing was actually Ok. hope you get it all sorted out.

[juuule]

I pulled my dd out because she was crying and upset every time I took her and was showing no signs of settling. She seemed okay when I picked her up but it just didn't feel right putting her through that every time she went. When she started at nursery she was fine and went in with no problems apart from a slight hesitancy in the first week. Personally, I think you have given your ds a good start being with him as much as you have and he just needs to get a bit older to be ready to be away from you. As you say he's otherwise confident & sociable so you can't have done anything wrong there. I think you have to go with how you feel and not be too swayed by others opinions. Listen to them and then see what, if anything, applies to your situation. Then do what you think is best for you and your ds.

[Orinoco]

Message withdrawn

[flack]

My youngest is also 2y+3 months and no way would he be ready to leave me and go with a room of strangers. I'm not even trying him in preschool until a year from now. I think the pressure (from govt. and on preschools) to start them so early is all wrong. Maybe some are fine but there's no need or real advantage in sending them so early if they're so unhappy (and evidently, so are you).

Looking back I think my others were bored at preschool by the time they left, so many hours spent there. I'm going for "Less is More" with the last child.

[umpalumpa]

I never got chance to come on MN yesterday but I logged on briefly before we went to preschool this aft & was gobsmacked by all the messages & support. I was feeling sooo alone on monday with the whole thing but I felt so much more upbeat & positive today (thanks to you lot) & ds had his best day so far..Horray!!

I have been feeling that I've sent him too young since last week but in my defence I honestly thought/think it would be a good move for him. The first day he kissed me goodbye & waved me off so I was completly unprepared for the phone call half an hour later & how its all gone since.
I've asked him each morning if he wants to go & he has (so far) always said yes. I would definetly not have taken him otherwise. I would have gladly thrown in the towel at the beginning of the week given a good enough reason but also wanted to give it a fair chance. Plus I think it could be possibly harder for him to go back whenever it may be if he has had a negative experience.
I could pick several holes in this preschool already but i sent him there because its linked to a M&T group we go to & he knows a lot of the kids there, plus two of my friends kids, who he sees regular, were starting on the same day. I thought I had it boxed off!!

FloatOTM, they called me back because he was inconsolable, throwing himself around, wouldn't go to any of the staff & hitting out at them when they tried to talk to him(oops). But since that first day I'v not left the building I'v waited in the foyer where he can't see me but I can hear him & they can come & get me as soon as they decide he's gettin too upset. But today I was out there for the full session & he really enjoyed himself, singing away & joining in(yes yes I'm a totally neurotic mother who leaves her child & peeps through the window) and thats given me the confidence to carry on sending him next week.

What I think I'll do now with everyone's advice & seeing him today is, keep going to the ps but if he has 3 consecutive bad sessions after today I will pull him out till he's older

I cannott thank you all enough for sharing your experiences & advice. I can tell you I feel like a different person tonight than I did on Monday. But just one other thing, does anything I've said about this preschool not sound right or really unprofessional. I've only looked at this one & live in a smallish town & I do feel they could have distracted/engaged him better from the beginning. They say they let the kids come to them not wanting to invade their space!!! I mean they're not teenagers fgs. Is that normal? Or is it me thats wierd?

[umpalumpa]

I really hope your dd went ok this morning Floaty, I'm in a state of releif today cos ds only goes mon-wed, get a little bit of time to recover!!
It sounds good that take your dd off as soon as you get there & engage her but must be pretty gut wrenching for you as well. Maybe you could hire a fly suit & position yourself on the wall of the preschool, I would if I could
What are we like eh?
Let me know how she goes on today.

[Mala]

umpalumpa - Glad things are better now. My dd is 3 now, but she was 16 months when she started at a nursery. The nursery was okay, not great but not bad. It took her 6 weeks to settle there. After this she went to a childminder for a short time-awful experience. CM was totally inexperienced and did not know how to distract dd. She just would not settle there. She is now at a wonderful pre-school. She and all the other children have settled in so well there and there are hardly any tears there from anyone. Yes the staff should be distracting your child, but ofcourse that doesn't always happen. The point I'm really trying to make from this is, that you might not always be lucky enough to get a wonderful preschool. However, it is possible for your child to get used to and be perfectly happy in a not so perfect place. Dd is very happy now, but she was also fine at her first nursery and made lots of friends. The only difference was that it took her longer to settle there, so somethimes you do need to give it a good shot. At the childminder it was a completely different story and I think your gut instinct should tell you if something is very wrong. With regard to the distraction, speak to the staff and let them know what you think. Speak to the other mothers there and don't be afraid to let the preschool staff know if something is bothering you.
Really hope it works out for you. I used to spend 100% of my time with dd, just the two of us(no family/friends closeby)and I can't tell you how much good it has done for both of us by her going to nursery/preschool. Very hard at first due to the guilt and her falling ill so much, but very worth it in the end.

Good luck!(hope I didn't bore you with the long post)

[umpalumpa]

Cheers Mala, that is really encouraging. I think I loose sight of how good it will be for both of us once he does settle in.

[umpalumpa]

Hiya FOTM, I'm so pleased she had a good day, I totally share in your sigh of relief!! I hope she's been ok so far this week. There could be light at the end of the tunnel after all.

My ds has stayed the full session for the last two days & I even left the building today...wow.
The staff have found if they leave him to it he eventually calms down & really enjoys himself, so I take everything back I said about them not distracting him enough.
Last Monday seems a far & distant place I am very very pleased to say. I might even join a yoga class or something while he's there if he carries on like this.

Hurray for pre-school